Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Heroes of the Lance

"Stupid Lance! Stupid Heroes!"

The day of reckoning has finally come; time to ''rate'' the worst game ever made for NES: Heroes of the Lance. Remember when you were a kid and you had to go shopping with your Mom for something REALLY boring, like clothes or spatulas? And remember the boredom that you felt down into the very marrow of your bones, so much it hurt? Or how about that time your sister closed your hand in the car door? That kind of pain is nothing compared to the horrible, horrible experience of Heroes of the Lance.
I know what you are saying: ''How bad can it be? It's a D&D game right? They must have SOME kind of quality control!!'' Actually they did: a group of well groomed Globus Monkeys. Scientists reported the monkeys ''screeched at the bright lights and swung thier arms about violently. One of the test subjects also ate a controller.'' As for the fellow at Nintendo who put the ''seal of quality'' on this cart, he must have been bribed with some very large bills. Either that or someone stole his stamp.
Yes, Heroes of the Lance, the one game the developers of Bebe's Kids can legitimally make fun of. It features terrible graphics, the worst play control, and terrible music but on the other hand it is also extremely boring. You play as one of the Heroes of the Lance who must go into dungeons and get attacked by little bald midget men. You also fall down into pits. I suppose eventually you save a princess or something. I'm not quite sure how these characters became heroes of the lance. Maybe they got an A on the written section. In any case these guys are about as qualified to be heroes as I am to be Miss America.
Words cannot describe how bad this game is. Have you ever wondered what the inside of an NES cart looks like? Here's your chance!! Simply slam a rock against the cart until it splits!! Yeahhh!! Other uses for this game:
*Skeet shooting
*Speed Bump
*Paint Brown; use as ''toast'' prop in school play
*Sell to local neighborhood kid who refers to himself as ''Questor''
*Use as rudder on surfboard
*Use to prop up uneven couch leg
OK, here go the ratings:

Graphics=0.3 I had to give it SOMETHING because it is not just a blank screen, though a blank screen does have better graphics and play control. You are something, possibly a woman, and you run around in a dungeon that never changes. After seeing this game, anything else looks good! Text adventure games from the early days of PC have superior graphics.

Play Control=0.2 Trying playing HotL holding your controller upside down!! And then sideways! With your feet!! It doesn't matter!! You'll get the same results! The characters responses apparently have nothing to do with the buttons on your controller. The best way I can describe the control is ''intermittent.''

Story=0.4 You are a hero of a lance!! haha what fun!! You must do something! HAHA weeeeee!! Apparently, there is a plot, but I never figured it out. Maybe it was one of those make up your own story type of things. You are a hero, who must fight midgets in order to heroicly fall down pits!That sounds about right.

Challenge=9.5 Anyone who has played through this stinker deserves some kind of pain threshhold award. I sure didn't do it.

Overall=0.1 Because it exists, I give it a .1. Man does it stink though! Yargh! If ye be findin' HEROES OF THE LANCE, ye should be sendin it to the briny deep.

*Bru's Must Get Ometer*=7 Get this and all your other games will seem one notch better!

Yes this is the cream of the crap, the stuff you don't want to step in, the bottom of the barrel. It had to be something and HotL is it. Play it only if you hate yourself!

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 03/03/00, Updated 03/03/00