Bad Street Brawler

"In Victory, Malice?"

If you're reading this review, chances are you've already heard about the towering mountain of badness that is Bad Street Brawler, and how it stars "DUKE DAVIS, former punk rocker and martial arts vigilante," whatever that means. You've heard that it's terrible, you've heard that it's unplayable, and of course, you've heard of its awkward moralizing statements before each stage. Oh, but it can't be that bad, you say to yourself; how many games are? My friend, you're going to get what's coming to you. As the first screen of the game indicates, the game was proudly produced by Mattel, not exactly a company known for its brilliant games. My only explanation for this game's existence is that it was produced during that all-too-brief period of the NES where video game consoles were only considered "toys." As is the trend with most toy companies, every so often they have the inexplicable urge to produce garbage and hope enough kiddies pick it up.

Yes, the graphics are terrible; Duke's sprite looks like a refugee from a '70s Doonesbury strip. Yes, the music is awful; there's practically only one theme throughout the game, and the only way you could enjoy it is if you're a fan of infinitely repeating piano scales. But brave yourself past all of these factors, and you'll see that Bad Street Brawler also fails on every other possible level.

Not being bad enough to rescue the President, Duke settles for clearing the bad streets of its scum. You've also probably heard of said scum already: bulldogs, bat-wielding punks, gorillas, and midgets dressed like 19th century musclemen. The instruction manual admits there are "circus renegades" about, but you can't explain away the breakdancers and skateboarders who are out to kill him. Apparently, Duke is a firm believer in "Skateboarding is a Crime." Take that, Tony Hawk!

Unfortunately, Duke has another problem: his metabolism. You see, Duke only has 110 seconds to complete the stage before his body rebels and his health shoots down to zero. This means Duke can't fight every bad guy in his path; the best course of action is just to run past all of them to the boss, for fear that he will otherwise collapse out of hunger. He really should have brought some snacks with him.

If, somehow, you manage to work past the ridiculous villains and defective bodily functions, you'll find yourself in front of a dumpster. You collect the villains' weapons as you defeat them, and Duke tosses them all in for extra points. This might seem logical from a certain point of view: you know, clean up the streets and throw away weapons for the good of humanity. Unfortunately, with some of the villains you fight, you throw away some odd items, including basketballs and bananas. It seems less like "cleaning the streets" and more like "getting rid of the evidence." Is Duke really as noble about his quest as he lets on?

I'll give Bad Street Brawler some credit - it tries to keep its gameplay fresh; that deserves some kudos. In every stage, you get three new power moves to aid in eradicating your foes. Some of them are pretty useful - like "Trip," which should have been called "Sort of Grab at Your Opponent's Feet." Others aren't quite so helpful, like the ones where you have to hold down buttons while your other opponents smack you around. Yet this was a good concept. Of course, in Bad Street Brawler's quest to completely destroy all of its positive aspects, with each new set of moves you learn, you somehow forget all of your old moves, useful or not. It must have been all that trauma to your head from that wailing you got from the gorillas. How many gorillas did that circus have, anyway?

Of course, all Bad Street Brawlers have to have an attitude. Add a pair of sunglasses and a former occupation as a punk rocker and your attitude levels fly off the scale. Every three levels, you get but a mere sampling of Duke's carefree responses to the various accolades he receives. "I'd like a hamburger instead," Duke says as he is honored at City Hall. Damn, Duke, what won't you say?

I'm really not sure to whom Mattel was marketing this game. No one over the age of seven could have possibly tolerated it, and yet among the sage advice it gives before every stage, it contains this little gem: "In victory, malice. In defeat, revenge. Don't get mad. Get bad." That sounds more like the paranoid ranting of a gun-toting lunatic, and most certainly not what you should teach children. But of course, giving a child this game and calling it a "present" is an offense worthy of losing custody. Please, avoid Bad Street Brawler for the good of the children.

This review of Bad Street Brawler for the NES is Copyright 2004, Ian Pugh.

Reviewer's Score: 2/10, Originally Posted: 11/15/04, Updated 11/15/04