Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Heroes of the Lance

"Please... Make the pain STOP!!!!"

When I first heard about this game, all I remember being told was that it was one of the worst games ever made. Of course, me being the genius that I am, I just had to see the badness for myself. I now attend therapy every week to help me forget the pain this game has inflicted.

Okay, Let me get one thing out of the way. I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, an AD&D fan. This is the only game from that series that I have ever played, and after seeing the nightmare that this game is, it will be the last. Okay, on to the review:

Gameplay: 1/10
Okay, even if this game had an outstanding story, incredible graphics, soundtrack-worthy music, and over 10,000 hours of gameplay, it wouldn't mean anything if the game wasn't any fun to play. Sadly, the truth is that the game ISN'T any fun to play. It is VERY easy to get lost, and it's impossible to map out the world. It's physically impossible. In some places, going North takes you to the same place as going south! How do you map this? Also, there are so many invincible enemies that it isn't funny. Now, if you've read any of the other reviews of this game, you've heard about the infamous Naked Gnomes. Yes, the stories are true. Well, mostly. They actually do have loincloths, but they are as invincible as can be. Even when you use the shortest character, they are still far to low to hit. They just stand there and do this stupid dance and kick you in the shins, and there's nothing you can do about it. Oh, yeah, about the characters. You have eight of them, but you can only control one at a time. You pick the one you control, and the other ones are invisible. Wow, that's really annoying, since they can still take damage.

Graphics: 3/10
Disgusting! I can't even tell what I'm looking at! Normally I don't care about graphics as long as they get the job done, but that's just the thing, they DON'T get the job done. The characters look like a kindergarten art class gone wrong, and the world has so many doors that are just for decoration (but still look just like real doors) that it's ridiculous. Many a time I've lost my character because I tried to get away from an invincible gnome (the only thing you CAN do, if you don't they kill your whole party with their shin-kicking dance) and found out that the door I was trying to run through didn't lead anywhere.

Music: 1/10
Okay, it's not all that bad, but it doesn't fit the medieval sort of mood that the rest of the game is trying to show. It's some sort of techno-sounding loop of doom that will make your ears bleed. Now, before you start talking about "limitations of the NES," let me show you what's behind door one: Shadowgate! Now, I don't expect sound of that quality in every game, that wouldn't be fair, but I expect SOME quality.

Story: 1/10
It's supposed to be based on a book, but you wouldn't know that from the game. In fact, from the game all you know is that your in a side scrolling dungeon and you're reaching for the off button on the NES. Guess what I do now, being the fair reviewer that I am, I BUY THE BOOK!!! Wow, now I know that this game is based on an outrageously small part of the book! Are you kidding me! When you make a game based on a book, wouldn't it occur to you to make it about the ENTIRE BOOK, not just a tiny clip?

Control: 3/10
I heard that the control was terrible, so I'm expecting Sword of Sodan style movement. Not quite true, you can walk fine, but to jump you need to be running. GENIUS! PURE GENIUS! Now when I'm stuck between two Death Gnomes I have no hope of living, since jumping over them is the only way to survive!

r8ing: I keep telling myself that owning this game is really a bad dream, and when I wake up I'll have the money that I spent on this game back and the game will be somewhere else. Sadly, that isn't the case.

Overall: 2/10

Buy/rent: NO!! STOP!!! PUT THE MONEY BACK IN YOUR POCKET, AND LOOK FOR AN ACTUAL GAME TO RENT!!!

Reviewer's Score: 2/10, Originally Posted: 02/28/05