Bad Dudes

"This is about as eighties as it gets..."

Taking a cue from countless action flicks of its time, Bad Dudes pits you and a friend against a seemingly endless series of ninjas headed by a guy with David Bowie hair that has, for some unexplained reason, kidnapped the U.S. President. The usual NES side-scrolling antics follow, but there's one thing that sets this game apart from the glut of similar titles that flooded the market: it's the most forgettable game you're likely to play.
Bad Dudes isn't a terrible game, but it can't really be considered good, either. The premise is cool (although unoriginal), the Bosses seem menacing (there's even a cameo by video game hero Karnov), and the levels are unique. The only problem is that the game is so poorly made that you'll probably lose faith in technology altogether and want to go live out in a grass hut somewhere.
When I say this game is horribly designed, I'm not joking in even the slightest. I'm hoping this was whipped up by a bunch of drunk college boys in a frat house somewhere, because I refuse to believe an entire production team spent any time at all on this.
Drab is the only clean word I can think of to describe this game's graphics, which look like they were done with maybe six colors. Your literally faceless hero punches and kicks a continuous flow of ninja stereotypes until he reaches the super cheap Boss. Now, let's talk about the animation, shall we? I've never really considered this aspect of a game important on the NES before, since everything seemed to work just fine on a three or four frame median. In Bad Dudes, though, the movement is so stiff and jerky, so horribly awkward and annoying, that you'll have a headache after the first ten minutes from trying to follow your character. The only way this game could possibly be any choppier is if some guy came in your room, seized the TV from the shelf, and shook it violently in front of your face.
The sound isn't as bad, but it still manages to suck ass. While the music is actually alright, the sound effects are too quiet and seem randomly assigned to events. For example, the spin kick move sounds like applause and the elevator near the end sounds like somebody screaming while playing the violin. Really.
Here's another game element that's small in the overall picture but is nonetheless ruthlessly pushed to the forefront by the fact that it's so godawfully annoying: the voices. Brace yourself at the end of every level, because you'll be hearing a scream of ''I'm bad!'' that's so loud and irritating that the closest possible sound in reality I can imagine would be two drunken men belching at each other in a small tunnel. The other grunts and groans are strangely muffled.
Well, they're two for two, and guess what? The control bites, too. All of the movement is slow and clunky (although this is in part due to the horrendous animation), and landing a charged punch on a Boss is near-impossible. It's also hard to align yourself with the items on the ground to pick them up. Most of the damage you receive in this game can rightfully be attributed to the poor control scheme.
Although I make it sound about as fun as neurosurgery, it's easy to get used to these flaws. But why would you want to, when there are so many better games out there that don't require you to do that?

Reviewer's Score: 6/10, Originally Posted: 06/07/00, Updated 02/22/01