Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

"California Love..."

Stealing a car is easy. It doesn't really matter what kind you choose; it could be the little red corvette waiting at the stoplight, that jeep making a turn over there, or just about any of the other dozens of vehicles around. All you've got to do is walk up to a car (the ones waiting for the red lights to change are so wonderfully vulnerable), yank open the door, then toss the driver to the curb. Ta-da! Instant transportation. Since some of those fools will try to get back up and kill your ass (this is San Andreas, after all), you better be ready to kill someone. Don't be shy about it; just grab your submachine gun and blow their damned heads off. Or try roasting them with some Molotovs. Not good enough for you? Fine. Try my personal favorite: knocking them to the pavement, pinning them down with my designer shoes, and hacking their limbs off with a chainsaw. I love the way they writhe in sync with the blade.

But then those damned cops get in the way. Don't trust any of those blue-suited bastards; they frame innocent people and roam around the city like it's their own personal playground. They'll always stick their noses in your business, be it jacking a car, mugging a prostitute or beating the **** out of some random businessman because he gave you the finger. Whenever you do something bad, your wanted level will go up and prompt the SAPD to come and arrest you…Or at least try to. The funny thing is, they actually think that you're going to the answer to the law. In fact, that's just hilarious. So when Mr. Random Policeman (they all look and act the same thanks to some crappy screen resolution and glitchy AI) comes up to you, be sure to bop him in the face a few times, steal his nightstick, and keep bashing his brains in until his blood runs along the pavement.

Of course, that means that all his little doughnut-junkie pals will arrive to back him up. It's really a numbers game; how long can one man last against an infinite army of jackasses? As you keep mowing them down, you'll attract so much attention that other authorities will start coming for you. It'll start with the city police –running them over with their own cars is always so rewarding - then it'll escalate into machine gun-wielding SWAT teams, and helicopter assaults. Things can get so crazy that even the Feds want a piece of the action. Some people start begging for their lives around that time. But if you're smart, you'll dig into your vast arsenal of blunt objects, semiautomatics, and explosives to get the job done. There are few things more pleasurable than annihilating a blockade of police cars and helicopters with some well-aimed missiles.

What? You actually want to run away from the cops?! Fine. San Andreas isn't all about gory shootouts and rampant homicides, anyway. When you create your own crime scene, keep an eye out for the special vehicles that show up. The police will descend on you in their standard squad cars, SUVs, and motocycles…all of which can be stolen if you work fast enough. If you happen to steal one of them, you can become a temporary (and obviously more badass) member of the police force and hunt down fellow criminals for fun. Or if your crimes have a little pyrotechnical flair, you can steal the fire engine that'll inevitably show up and help put out fires across the city. Perhaps you think you can drive better than the city taxi drivers (and rightfully so, if you ever watch them), prove yourself right by nabbing a taxi for yourself and picking up fares. If you like slashing pedestrians into poorly rendered ribbons (and who doesn't?) try jacking the ambulance; you can roam the city and help people in mortal danger.

How's that for irony?

Okay, okay. Let's be honest here. That kind of stuff is old. Kiddy stuff, really. We've all been there, done that. But there's one thing you've got remember: This San Andreas, and we have our own way of doing things. You think you're hardcore just because you can pull a trigger? You better practice with all your weapons to get some real skills; your accuracy and abilities will steadily improve. Or if you just want to kick someone's ass with more than just a pair of brass knuckles, you can enroll in a martial arts class and learn some new moves. Besides, you're just a man that needs to eat, sleep, and exercise. You can spend your days cramming fast food down you're throat, but you're going to regret it once you start packing the fat. Working out, swimming, and generally being active not only builds your physique – you'll see the changes in no time, if one of your many potential girlfriends doesn't first – but increases your stamina as well. And get some new clothes, dammit. You're a gangsta, so you better look like one.

You having second thoughts? Face it, man. You're a gun-toting, cop-killing criminal. Forget all of that moral crap; go out there, get some guns, and enjoy yourself. Wreaking havoc all over the place is more fun than you can possibly imagine. Feel like sniping random pedestrians? Go for it. Want to blow cars up? Get a rocket launcher and roast their asses. Once you've gained enough respect around the neighborhood, you and your friends can jack a car and drive-by anyone you want to. Or you can get some spray paint and tag all your territory. You'll need to; once you've taken over another gang's territory, you better defend it with your life. The more property you own, the more power and resources you've got at your disposal. If you keep doing missions for others, and establish relationships with other gangsters, all of San Andreas will be you empire in no time.

That's right. I'm not talking about small-time stuff; I'm talking about owning a state. San Andreas isn't just limited to the city of Los Santos, you know. This place is huge. Sure, you'll start off in some ghetto, but you'll expand all over the damned place. San Fierro and Las Venturas are just as big, but with their own attractions and layouts. Go on, you know you want to blow up a cable car. Pier 69 is loaded with tourists just begging to be massacred. Or maybe you feel like doing a drive-by on the Venturas Strip, or screwing over one of those mob-owned casinos? If you think the cities are huge, just you wait until you make it out to the countryside. There are smaller towns, farms, and other buildings for you to terrorize. The fields stretch on almost forever (that's more a problem of your glitchy perspective than it is a saying), and rivers, forests, and hills make up for a diverse landscape.

That doesn't mean that you should spend all of your time killing everyone. You need to appreciate the little things in life. Things like stealing your favorite car, cranking the dial to your favorite station (rock and rap circa 1992 only, though) and going on a joyride across the state. Nothing beats a San Andreas sunset; it lights up the sky in an orange-yellow glow that makes you think life just might be livable after all. There's comfort in seeing those flashy neon lights, the trash-talking pedestrians, and gritty urban sprawls that make up the three cities. There's something magic about this place; cars will randomly appear and vanish, reality slows down to a crawl whenever things get too intense, and you can't see anything but a few jagged lines if you look past a few hundred yards. Of course, that's because this place is so damned glitchy.

You don't get what I'm talking about, do you? You must be thinking that I'm some serial murderer or raving psychopath. Hah. You'll understand it all in time. You'll learn the art of being a criminal, from basic carjacking to some of the most violent shootouts you'll ever see. You'll challenge old rules, make friends and foes, and build a network unlike anything in San Andreas. You'll murder hundreds - thousands - of innocent people…if you choose to. Who knows, you just might enjoy it. You don't understand a thing yet, and that's okay. Rest easy tonight, kid. San Andreas will be yours someday.

Reviewer's Score: 8/10, Originally Posted: 09/10/07

Game Release: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (Greatest Hits) (US, 02/01/06)