Jaws Unleashed

"If Satan himself rode in on a magic carpet made out of screaming babies, we would still be in awe at how this game can possibly exist in our realm."

Oh my God, this game is awesome. It's better than my family. Sure, Jaws Unleashed is a piece of crap, but it's the best piece of crap I've ever played.

You play as a sentient mutant shark named Bruce. Here's an example of how genius this garbage is: key cards and stealth missions are enough to make seasoned gamers wince at the mere mention of going through such commonly mundane tasks, right? Well, they're here in this game, and what was previously uninspired level design is suddenly a work of art - just by adding a shark. Good gravy, it must be the answer to all of life's problems. Poverty? Climate change? War? Just add sharks. In one level, you have to sneak up on a scientist, like Solid Snake, and then suddenly jump out of the water to pull him in. Then, you take his bloody carcass over to the locked underwater door and swipe his body in to open it (he has the card key in his pocket).

The only way that could be made even better is if there were Metal Gear Solid-style lockers to hide in when the alarm goes off and the guards are looking for you. Your shark wouldn't actually be able to fit in the locker, of course, so just his head would be crammed in while the rest of his body is layed out. This would mask your presence from the guards entirely while they're looking for you (as they carefully step over your tail), and you would wait like this until they give up. I swear that I can make out faint fingernail etchings of a desperate message that the child laborer who shoved this thing on a conveyor belt in Malaysia tried to write on the front packaging: "Enjoy it...for me..."

As if that wasn't enough to convince you that this game is worthy of assembling an entire religion around, just take a gander at the screenshots in the Pics link above this review.

This title fared pretty poorly with critics, even for Appaloosa's standards (sorry, but the evil of their Contra games is greater than anything that Ecco accomplished). However, that's because none of the reviewers "get" it. They don't understand Jaws Unleashed. It's not just a simple action game; it's a metaphor for the various stages of life. With the highs come the lows. One of those lows is in the aquarium level, where your massive behemoth can die almost instantly to a seemingly unseen force. I couldn't understand it the first time around. It turned out that I was being mauled to death by piranhas. PIRANHAS?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I'M JAWS! /logic

Still, the mere fact that piranhas have sharp teeth and can therefore kill you is, as much a ridiculous stretch that is, probably the most sensible aspect of the game. My primitive mind can actually comprehend that. Sharp teeth = harm. Okay, that checks in. Everything else in the game is just a blur of kaleidoscopic images because humans cannot possibly wrap their brains around what's ensuing on their screen.

Are you in the blessed minority of those who have experienced this phenomenon? (Calling it a "game" would be oversimplifying the concept.) No, of course you aren't. If you were, this review would have already been made. Just take it upon yourself to do whatever means necessary to play this. Rent it. Buy it. Hell, trade for it. You don't really need your baby, do you?

Reviewer's Score: 6/10, Originally Posted: 05/12/08

Game Release: Jaws Unleashed (US, 05/23/06)