Destroy All Humans!

"The aliens have arrived and they've got an anal probe with your name on it"

I don't think anybody would dispute the fact that Earth is the most dangerous place in the universe. No matter what medium you look at, be it books, movies or video games, Earth is always on the receiving end of something bad. And, much to our misfortune, the trend continues with Destroy All Humans. But this time the visitors don't just want to kill us; they want to stick things up our butts!

STORY
The main character Crypto, has been sent to Earth in order to save his dying people, the Furons. The cause for this, as Crypto's commander Orthopox explains, is due to eons of nuclear warfare that has left the Furons with a complete lack of genitalia.

The reason for the expedition is that human beings all have a small piece of Furon DNA in their genetic code. Thus, by extracting it the Furons will once again be able to replicate and survive. And in this case “extracting it” means pulling brains right out of skulls, usually by way of an explosive anal probe.

SOUND
The first thing most people will probably notice is that Crypto sounds like Jack Nicholson, albeit a version of him more likely to be found on the Simpsons. As any fan of Jack Nicholson can probably imagine, this leads to some side-splittingly hilarious dialogue.

There is also an overwhelming amount of ancillary dialogue to be heard throughout the game. Most of this can be found by using Crypto's Scan power, which reveals a person's thoughts, but there is plenty of it to be heard during cutscenes. Everything is centered around fifties era satire and the topics of the time (communism, sexuality and Valium) are all on the list of things you'll be hearing about.

GRAPHICS
It's obviously that Pandemic was striving to recreate that idyllic paradise feel that most people think of when the fifties are mentioned. Everything is bright and at times the environments seem almost cartoonish. Throughout the game you'll work your way through a farm, a peaceful suburban feeling, a secret military installation and ultimately, Washington DC. Each environment contains a surprising amount of detail, given how large each one is. But this game no doubt looked a great deal better when it was first released. Since then the graphics have taken a bad hit, with muddy textures all over the place and so much pop-up that you'll wonder if the game was even finished properly.

GAMEPLAY
As Crypto's ultimate mission is to wipe out humanity and steal brains, it should come as no surprise that most of the missions revolve around learning about the social hierarchy, creating chaos and undermining the government in order to create more chaos. As the story progresses, Crypto will learn things that occasionally cause him to deviate from this formula, but it is a rare occurrence.

For the most part, I found the missions to be quite boring. Initially it's pretty cool to run around blowing things up. But eventually the whole formulaic process of finding one person, using mind scan, then killing some other person wears pretty thin. It also doesn't help that Pandemic apparently hasn't heard of a little thing people call the “checkpoint” that allows you to save your progress during a mission. Guess what? If you screw up and die at the end of a mission, you get to start over all the way at the beginning.

Aside from the main story missions you can also check out the side missions. These ended up being the most boring missions I've ever endured in my gaming career. Basically they all amount to killing people and collecting brains, racing from place to place on foot, or destroying the area in Crypto's space ship. However, they do award you DNA upon completion, so they do have a purpose.

Luckily, my dislike for the missions was helped out by the weaponry Crypto has. Unlike most games, the weaponry of Destroy all Humans actually deserves some discussion. The base weapon, the Zap-O-Matic is basically a mobile bug zapper. It shoots out a stream of electricity that fries anybody in its way. The Disintegrator Ray shoots out balls of energy that turn a person into carbonized ash. The Ion Detonator is like a grenade launcher with a much larger blast radius. And my personal favorite, the Anal Probe. At full charge, it shoots out a whip of green energy that enters the nether-regions and causes a person's head to explode, freeing the brain inside. Crypto is also telekinetic, so he can pick people up and toss them around like ragdolls. As his telekinesis levels up, he'll be able to pick up cars and tanks. While this is pretty cool, it has no practical use within the game and unless I was just screwing around, I ignored it.

In some missions Crypto will also be able to use his flying saucer, which comes equipped with the standard Death Ray, as well as a Sonic Boom and the Quantum Deconstructor, which vaporizes anything around the blast site. While the saucer missions should have been the highlight of the game, these too are dragged down by some poorly implemented ideas. Anytime you take to the skies, countless military vehicles suddenly appear and you'll have to try and dodge all the homing missiles flying around, as well as the tanks that are firing.

I've mentioned that Crypto's main mission on Earth is to harvest Furon DNA by taking the brains of humans. This isn't just some plot device meant to give you a reason to run around killing people. Well actually it is, but it figures into the gameplay pretty heavily. After using the Anal Probe or killing someone and using telekinesis to rip their brain right out of their head, you can collect it and it registers almost like currency. As the game progresses, Crypto's boss Pox will unlock upgrades for guns, the saucer and telekinesis, which can be bought using the harvested DNA. It's not a bad mechanic, and it actually gives you a reason to slog through all the crappy side missions and go on homicidal sprees of destruction. The problem is that many missions require you to have a certain amount of DNA in order to start them. This means that the story is often put on hold until you can acquire enough DNA to continue.

Due to the open world, a tiered wanted system and the fact that Crypto can shoot people, this game will almost certainly be compared to Grand Theft Auto. I won't argue that certain aspects of the game seem to be taken from that franchise, but as a whole the game doesn't feel like GTA (which, in this case, is a good thing).

THE VERDICT
At its core this is a fun and unique game that offers some hilarious American satire and amusement by way of liberal Anal Probe usage. However, there are plenty of stupid flaws that get in the way of this fun (no mid-mission checkpoints, having to contend with the entire US military when you get in your flying saucer), and ultimately make the game an even split between fun and frustration.

HIGHS
- Hilarious 1950's satire
- Cool weapons (Anal Probe!)
- Crypto sounds like Jack Nicholson

LOWS
- Boring mission design
- No mid-mission checkpoints

Reviewer's Score: 6/10, Originally Posted: 07/28/08, Updated 02/20/09

Game Release: Destroy All Humans! (US, 06/21/05)