Silpheed: The Lost Planet

"Shooting blanks"

"A vertical-scrolling shmup! On the PS2! And it's co-developed by Treasure and Game Arts!"

Such were the asinine thoughts that ran through my head as I plopped Silpheed: The Lost Planet and $25 down at my local GameStop's front counter. As I gleefully skipped out of the store like a ****ing git, I started to wonder why I hadn't heard anything about this game; I mean, it's developed (or co-developed, rather) by Treasure, one of the greatest companies in all of video gamedom. Why wasn't it lavished with love and adoration by critics and gamers everywhere? How come nobody talks about it? It isn't because ... Silpheed: TLP sucks, is it? Nah. Impossible. This is Treasure! These fine folk can do no wrong ... right? Right?

I want my damn $25 back.

Silpheed: TLP is a mess. Slow-pacing, uneven challenge, and the absolute worst selection of weapons I've ever seen in a shooter. That this game was even released should offend gamers worldwide.

On a positive note, Silpheed: The Lost Planet has quite possibly the greatest plot ever conceived: A beautiful gang of busty, underage anime babes have taken a planet hostage for their own sexually deviant plans, and it's up to you to rescue them! Are you a bad enough space pilot to rescue the hostages?!

Well, that's how I think the story goes, anyway. I mean, how the hell should I know? I skipped through all the cut-scenes, and I still have yet to open my instruction manual, and if you think I'm going to check, well, **** you. This is a shooter, people. No shooter, sans the excellent Bangai-O, has a noteworthy story, and I'm pretty positive S:TLP is of no exception. And even if it was, I doubt anyone would care, as nobody plays shmups for their stories - it's all about that ball-bustin' gameplay, my friends. Unfortunately, Silpheed: The Lost Planet is rather sedate.

Your ship, Silpheed, comes equipped with your choice of five or ten shields, which basically means Silpheed can take five or ten hits before blowing up. It also comes strapped with two guns, one on each side of your ship, and they can be armed with either the Vulcan (straight shot) or the Vvulcan (V-shaped shot), both of which are weak, useless and cannot be powered-up (there are no power-ups in this game at all, actually). Regardless, this is what you have to start out with. The only way to expand your selection of weapons is through S:TLP's unique "In yo' face, sucka" point system: the closer you are to your opponent when you kill them, the more points you receive, and the more points you receive, the more weapons you can arm yourself with. It's a neat concept, to be sure, but the armaments it coughs up are pathetic. The nine weapons look dull (lame variations on your typical 'burst' shots and lasers, basically), they're hardly effective, and a third of them don't even fire straight-forward. Even the best - make that least worst - weapon, the Plasma Ball, which looks neat with it's damaging bubble-bullets is severely crippled by its molasses-like speed. You can also mix and match weapons, though it hardly helps matters.

And as if all that isn't bad enough, there isn't even a real bomb in this game. I mean, Christ, that's like a porno without a face-splattering money shot. Boo.

Silpheed: TLP could have survived, though. Weapons aren't everything in a shoot-'em-up, and S:TLP could have still been an enjoyable blaster, but the developers somehow managed to screw just about everything else up as well. For starters, the ship moves slow. Not as slow as that Plasma Ball, but slow enough to cause problems when trying to weave your way through enemy fire. Not that there'll be much bullet-dodging action going on, as there's hardly any enemies to battle. Yes, my friends, for the first five levels, just about the only flying object on screen will be your ****ing ship. Enemies come in every now and then, try to gun you down in the most half-assed of ways (these five levels might have been challenging had the enemies actually bothered to fire at your ship), and then you blow them away with your own sorry weaponry. Mid-bosses are also easily dealt with, and the bosses themselves - some of which are intimidating-looking beasts of entire-screen filling size - are more bark than they are bite. Yawn.

I could probably use these first five levels to lull myself into my mid-afternoon nap; they're just that uninvolving. Ironically, the sixth and final level is quite the ass-kicking challenge: blazing lasers coming from every angle, swarms of never-say-die enemies and waves of bright-colored bullets await you. This is, easily, the finest stage of the game. And although I did get some enjoyment out of it for a bit, the level can get frustrating at times due to the slow-speed of the ship. Can't dodge gunfire in a tank, you know.

Graphics are the one thing S:TLP does do right, and, thankfully, it does them pretty damn well. Really well. In fact, this is one of the best looking shmups I've ever seen. Granted, it's all conventionally-designed fare - space backgrounds, lava level, factory stage, etc. - but it's so gorgeously rendered, with dazzling special effects, little slowdown and some truly awesome enemy designs. (Check out the third level's boss! ... too bad it's a pushover.) Sharp stuff. The last stage in particular left me in awe, as Silpheed continuously spiraled into a large tree, with gorgeous trunks and tentacles intricately wrapped around each other in the background.

But visuals are just about the only thing Silpheed: TLP has going for it. The gameplay is broken, there's no incentive to ever play through it more than once, and even the synth / orchestral soundtrack is flat and all too quiet. Also, let us not forget that wretched roster of so-called weapons ... no, actually, let's.

I know I should cap off this review with a slew of inane insults to drive my opinion home, but I think I'm going to pass. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to slap Silpheed: The Lost Planet with some insipid remark like, "id rathre hav sex wit my mom then play tihs sthtoopid game1 :P j/K! lmao," but I have a line much, much more vicious than any third-grade insult:

This game just isn't any fun to play.

Reviewer's Score: 3/10, Originally Posted: 03/05/02, Updated 06/05/04