NASCAR Thunder 2003

"Um . . . Vroom! Vroom! Ah, screw it. Make your own car noises"

NASCAR is, well, cars driving in circles. Think of it as the morning commute. There’s just as much traffic; it’s only five or six times faster. Moreover, it’s just about as interesting. 100 laps of driving around differently shaped ovals. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Before you can drive around the differently shaped ovals (Pocono Race Track is a TRIANGLE, though. Talk about edgy.), though, you must decide trivial details like how tight the spark-plug must be screwed in to affect air intake through the catalytic converter. And you must sign the guy who carries the gas cap to a contract for an entire season. You wouldn’t want it dropping on pit road, now, would you?

Of course, the key to NASCAR is a good crash. We all know that’s the only reason why the entire population of the former Confederacy watches Jeff Gordon and company. They want to see some smoke and fire across the water at Daytona Beach. (Cue ''Deep Purple.'')

Oh, I hope that cue didn’t make you think there would be any decent music in NASCAR Thunder 2003. You see, EA Sports responded to their musical critics of the previous installment, by including a whopping four songs. NASCAR Thunder 2002 featured only Lynard Skynard’s “Sweet Home Alabama.” Naturally, EA felt that including 4 crappy songs would be better than one. So I was compelled to turn all of the songs to off, with the exception of Steppenwolf’s “Magic Carpet Ride,” perhaps the only song on earth with more drug references than “In-a-Gadda-da-Vida.” What on earth is EA doing including a horrible nu-punk song by Fenix TX in a NASCAR game? It doesn’t fit!

The NBC-sanctioned commentary doesn’t fit either. NBC doing commentary on NASCAR is like ESPN commentating on a fishing tournament. Why bother? I’m sure EA likes advertising “NASCAR Thunder 2003 features the official NASCAR commentary team, straight from the studios at NBC!” But it’s really not worth it. You get to hear the thrills of a balding, fifty year old man saying “It wasn’t a good day for the Easy-Care car. Number 117 just couldn’t take the turns well. Jeff Burton must be thrilled with his fifteenth win of the season!”

Thrilling commentary isn’t all that awaits you at these tracks. You also are entitled to some of the most pathetic looking crashes since Speed 2: Cruise Control. Most crashes consist of a bit of smoke seeping out from under the hood. If you’re lucky you may see a spark under the car, which is instantly covered by a prompt box asking you to press square to repair the damage. Even when cars flip, they don’t explode or do any cool stuff like that. They roll over again into the correct position and proceed on driving down the lane. The only benefit of all of this is the yellow flag that inevitably emerges. It’s the only thing that can bring you back to the pack.

I’m certainly not the best video game player in the world, but racing games are my personal area of expertise. But, I tell you, EA Sports tripled the difficulty from NASCAR Thunder 2002. The only way I can stick with the pack in Career Mode is to artificially create a caution flag every couple of laps. If you’re lucky you can con the other racers into taking a pit stop when there’s only one lap left.

Until you get through about five seasons in Career Mode, your car doesn’t have a real good shot. It takes 5 seasons, 180 total races, just to stick with the pack and actually compete. Sure, you can win a couple races here and there in that time span, but those will be flukes. Admit it. I know you spun out Tony Stewart.

The only time that NASCAR Thunder 2003 advanced beyond “FRUSTRATING” into “MILDLY ENTERTAINING” on the Fun-O-Meter™ is when I turned off damage, turned on unlimited gasoline, and drug a friend into wreak some havoc at Talladega. What good is a NASCAR simulation anyway? If you want a NASCAR simulation, go talk about it to some guy from Alabama while sitting on his front porch in your underwear. You can talk about making the suspension loose enough to compare to Anna Nicole Smith all you want. If you want to figure out what angle to tighten the bolts on your Monte Carlo’s axle to, be my guest. EA allows you be as anal as you want about the nuances of your vehicle. But count me out.

Speaking of anal, have fun with the cars. Count the decals on them. Think of the conspiracies as you try to figure out which riders had a Muppet car. Collapse in shock when you realize that there’s a Kodak logo on not one, not two, but three identical looking cars. (All of the cars are identical, with the exception of their garish paint jobs. Joan Rivers might even find fault with these color schemes.) Then you can listen to these powerful machines start their engines; engines that sound as if they’re recorded from an RC car. Yes, EA went all out on this one. They raided the nearest Toys ‘R Us for recording tracks and design ideas.

Go watch your Dukes of Hazzard reruns. Go ban people from entering Augusta Country Club. Go protest people protesting South Carolina’s obsession with the Confederate Flag. Go be anal about your own 1983 Citation. I don’t care. If you want to waste your time with NASCAR Thunder 2003, you have been warned. There’s better things to do, even in the heart of Dixie.

PROS
*60 licensed NASCAR drivers!
*23 licensed NASCAR tracks!
*Enough car options to make Henry Ford swoon!

CONS
*Richard Simmons gets more action than there is in all of NASCAR Thunder.
*Those crashes are fender-bender caliber.
*The inclusion of Fenix TX drains what little credibility the game had in the first place.

SCORE SUMMARY

GAMEPLAY--4
GRAPHICS--4
MUSIC--3
SOUND--3
CONTROL--6
FUN--4
CHALLENGE--HIGH
REPLAY VALUE--LOW TO MEDIUM

OVERALL--4

Reviewer's Score: 4/10, Originally Posted: 12/30/02, Updated 01/03/03