Britney's Dance Beat

"Take the princess of pop's gaming virginity with your fingers as the blonde dumbshell hits PS2"

All of the hours I've wasted looking at pictures of Britney on the internet would stretch to the Moon and back if time existed in a physical form and was measurable. The hours I've spent listening to her music wouldn't stretch to the bakery across the road, but that's not really what she's there for, is it? She exists to sell things and make money for major corporations. Hence this.

Earth-shattering surprise number one: It's not rubbish! I enjoyed playing it! It's (kinda) good!
With the memory of the Spice Girls game/money machine still able to make me retch with disgust, hopes were overwhelmingly low for this seemingly blatant pop cash-in. But playing like the PSX's greatest dancer Bust-a-Groove and looking ten times as sexy, Britney's Dance Beat is a simple-yet-playable press-along game that's had the whole building going dance crazy.

Well, not the whole building. Most of its inhabitants complained about having to listen to Baby One More Time nine times in a row, while a couple of people threatened to smash in some windows if a pair of headphones wasn't incorporated into the gaming process.

That's the only real problem with Dance Beat - you just get five tunes to play along with. The gameplay consists of many press variations within each song, sp playing repetition isn't much of a problem, but you may find yourself getting a little fed up with the slightly abridged tune selection. Although, with the music videos playing in the background of each stage (although puzzlingly out of sync with the music) the avid Britney fan or the slobbering pervert should be more than satisfied. Is it possible to see the Baby One More time video too many times? No - we have it playing on a loop at work to raise morale.

It's not a tough game. I completed the Audition challenges in an hour, then took a further 45 minutes to whack the scoring targets and open up the backstage sections. But then I am a fully grown gaming professional of advancing years - the younger audience this game is without a doubt aimed at will find it a lot trickier. Those Britney kids will also love the extra features, especially the interactive clips that let you watch Britney and her dancers, or zoom around and watch the stagehands milling about in the empty stadia.

These five immersive sequences are added to six standard video clips that let you watch her dancing in hotpants, relaxing in trackie bottoms, and being polished by make-up artists. They'll also have you gasping as she occasionally reveals her G-string knickers out of the back of her jeans as is the fashion among female youths these days - it is so a good look.
It seems every second of her life has been videotaped for the Backstage footage section, plus there are plenty of audio clips within the game to encourage you. ''Way to go-oh!'' she says, in her irony-free American tone should you play particularly well. ''Now you're getting it!'' she adds blissfully unaware of how much I laugh at hearing her say that.

Unfortunately, you don't get to select Britney, but you are allowed to enter a personal, one-on-one dance with her once you've tapped through the eight Audition rounds. She also pops up mid-game should you perform particularly well, replacing the two battling dancers and doing it just for you. Especially for you. Because she likes you.

She looks good too, moves well and thankfully shakes her tits at the camera on at least two separate occasions. She wears: pink strappy top, tight blue jeans - classic Britney. Is it arousing? Depends on your mood, but the pop sensation and her team of hunky/buff dancers all look pretty, with enough meat on display to amuse both male and female players that don't get out much. Even so, the inherent flaw of rhythm action raises its head once again - for the most time you're looking at the little radar rather than the jiggle action.

Voyeurs will at least enjoy the Preview section, where you just get to watch. Pick one of the six dancers - or Brit-Brit as this is the only place you can choose her - then watch them dance. It's here so you realize just how perfectly choreographed the music and sound is. The dancers move in perfect time to the music, pausing in the right places and shuffling with a huge entourage of moves. Besides that, it's a useless feature.

The game is short, sweet and inoffensive. You don't need to be a Spears fan to like this...but it helps. You listen to her music constantly, your rewards for doing well are seeing video clips of her - there's no escaping Britney of how hard you try, much like life itself. So just give in and enjoy it.
Like Britney herself, it's as cute as a button but slightly lacking in substance. It's simple, mindless and disposable fun, but won't last much longer than Shakira's career. Short, but sexy.

Reviewer's Score: 7/10, Originally Posted: 01/15/03, Updated 01/15/03