American Idol

"I've always loathed American Idol... and this garbage just escalates my hatred."

Anyone who's lived anywhere besides the center of Mount Everest knows what American Idol is. I sure do... and I'm regretting it to this day. Despite what the mass populace may think, I honestly believe American Idol is the worst show on television to date (even Jerry Springer is higher than this). Apparently, FOX networks has still failed to realize that America is not comprised of 90% multi-millionaire record execs, and my feelings were proved in the results of American Idol 2, when runner-up Clay Aiken ended up outselling the winner, Ruben Studdard. Honestly, folks, if you were in a race knowing that first prize was $500, but second prize was $1000, would YOU want to win?

But enough of my tirade about the show. I'm here to review a game, not a TV production.

Sure, the show is bad, but how is the game? Normally, games licensed on popular TV series, movies, superheroes, or any combination of the three are pretty bad, and considering the quality of the show, my expectations weren't terribly high. Surprisingly enough, the quality of the game is well BELOW what I expected. I mean, this game makes the show look like ''All in the Family'' (compared to it's gaming counterpart). A rule in gaming is that it's tolerable to clone a popular game, but it's taboo to clone a clone of a popular game, and that's exactly what American Idol: The Video Game (hereafter AA: TVG) does. There's a clone of Dance Dance Revolution (if you don't know what that is, I'll shoot you) called Gitaroo Man, and American Idol clones THIS. It's proof that the developers of this worthless trash are simply trying to cash in on American Idol's success, and nothing more.

But enough of my babbling, let's go on to exactly what makes this game so god awful.

Cel-shading: I don't like it, I don't hate it (but in AA: TVG's case, I hate it).

Graphically, AA: TVG suffers. BAD. Everyone and everything in the game is cel-shaded, and as mentioned in the tagline, I'm quite impartial to it. But this game abuses it to the point of absurdity. There's so much shading, you can barely tell if the singer (if that's what you want to call it; more on this later) is actually a person or a dancing black blob. I'm sorry, but do the actual people on the show look like badly-drawn comic-book characters? Oh, wait....

Even without all the fancy shading, the graphics are still downright ugly. The characters themselves are so blocky and pixellated, you'd wonder if they were worthy of the Super Nintendo's Super FX chip, much less the PSX or N64. I swear to God, Paula, Randy, and Simon have never looked uglier. There is a nice bit of customization to your ''idol'' involved, but, as explained later, when the game's largely based around it, you have a problem.

If this is a game based on a singing contest, there'd BETTER be good music!

Thankfully, AA: TVG doesn't disappoint in this field (if it did, I'd go absolutely ballistic and consider suicide). Sadly, however, it's the ONLY place where AA: TVG doesn't disappoint. There's over 40 piano renditions of popular hits like ''Bye Bye Bye'' and ''Genie in a Bottle'' that span over the last 2 or 3 decades. You also have a ''voice'', but surprisingly, it doesn't react much if you press the wrong buttons. Wah.

But enough of the good, it's time to go back to the horrid. And trust me, if you enjoy basking in goodness, stop reading here. There will be no more of it from here on out.

Since WHEN was American Idol judged on dancing and attire?

I must say, folks, American Idol has some of the WORST gameplay I've EVER seen in this genre. Remember that game ''Gitaroo Man'' I mentioned earlier? Well, if you know and/or have played that game (yep, all 22 of you), then there's no need to further explain. For the rest, allow me to demonstrate:

You use either a controller or a dance pad to press the corresponding button as it moves to the center of a crosshair in the center of the screen. This doesn't sound so bad when simply explained. But, when the buttons move slower than a snail suffering from lack of sleep, it makes for an almost non-existent challenge. Sure, sometimes you'll have to press two buttons at once, but that's the deepest AA: TVG's challenge goes. Compare it to the fast-paced, somehow-find-a-way-to-hit-all-four-arrows-at-once gameplay of Dance Dance Revolution, and you've got a dull, boring, slow game on your hands. Those of you looking for a challenge, seek thy prize elsewhere. You won't get any here.

In fact, the biggest challenge lies in... get this... dressing your character up?!?! That's right, folks. You'll most likely be spending the vast majority of your time figuring out which outfit to wear than actually playing the game. And considering what you wear largely makes up your final score, it seems like the developers of AA: TVG are trying to massively overcompensate for something (Gee, I wonder that that could be). Honestly, many a time you'll find yourself losing simply because you didn't pick the right outfit. People, this is an aspect of play worthy of a Barbie game, and nothing more. And this is NOT Barbie. Thank you, moving on....

As you'd probably expect, Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and the much-feared Simon Cowell are also there to judge your performance. But their comments are nowhere near as harsh and bitter as they are in the actual show. Honestly, since when has Simon said something as wimpy as ''There's bad, and then there's you''? Sure, those kind of comments are worthy of Paula, but nowhere near fitting for Simon, or even Randy for that matter. It makes you ponder about the age group this game was intended for.

Of course, for all of you wanting to play this game for singing, you won't be left empty-handed. There is a karaoke mode included, but what you see is what you get: simply karaoke and nothing more. You're not even judged on how well you sing. For a true masterpiece of a karaoke experience, try Karaoke Revolution, also for the PS2. This game is exactly the same as AA: TVG's karaoke mode, except it actually JUDGES you on how well you sing, adding up to a much more enjoyable time. You'll walk away from Karaoke Revolution smiling, not screaming. And considering that the aforementioned game costs about the same as AA: TVG and even comes with the requisite mike, you're much better off spending your money on Karaoke Revolution. It's much more satisfying, and much worthier of your hard-earned moolah.

In short, AA: TVG is nothing more than a lousy attempt to cash in on American Idol's success. If anything could elevate my hatred for the TV show, it's this lousy excuse for a game.

Should I Buy or Should I Rent?

Come on, Sherlock, didn't you just read the review? Thank GOD I didn't have to purchase it (I played it at the home of a poor fool who did, though. Betcha he can't sleep soundly at night anymore). Honestly, there's not enough good qualities in this game to even warrant a rental. Even die-hard American Idol nuts will leave crying after playing this mess. It just goes to show you that, no matter how successful and popular a TV show is, and how well a spin-off game sells, it's not always good (I mean, Enter the Matrix is another clear example of this). AA: TVG is an insult not just to the show, but to me personally. I'm filled with rage, now, so I'll end this review as quickly as possible.

THE MARILYN MONROE

Lots of good songs.
I found one good point. Congratulate me.

THE MARILYN MANSON

Graphics are awful
Gameplay is awful (and possibly copyright-infringing)
This is American Idol, NOT ''Barbie's Dress-up Simulator 2000''
Bad comments from the judges are nowhere near as satisfying as they are on the show
''Karaoke Mode'' is extremely hollow
Leaves you wanting more
Not worth your money (even your 8 dollar rental fee)
I hate the show (but I SWEAR this did not influence my review in any way!)
There are so many other games in this genre that are far superior to this
No challenge whatsoever
And anything else that wasn't covered in ''The Marilyn Monroe''

Final Thoughts

It's simply awful. That's my final thought. Good day.

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 04/19/04