Final Fantasy X-2

"Disasterrific! Completely disasterrific Square!"

Lately, I've had time to think and I've decided - I don't like this game.

I don't even like the good points that aren't even good anymore.

I hate my previous review that I'm about to edit.

WHY DOES RIKKU SPEW SUCH NONSENSICAL IDIOTIC TRIPE!?

Yeah, I really don't like Final Fantasy X-2.

I think it happened from the moment the brainless girly ensemble burst onto the screen with that terrible Eurovision song and Rikku had just taken out some poor bastard from behind - his last words were probably "Damn that thong must be causing you pain!". Even if it wasn't the real Yuna 'singing' that odeous song "real Emotion" with those suggestive lyrics "What can I do for you?" - did she really need to ask? Did Rikku have to be severly mauled at with her hair being mangled as if some birds have used it as straw for nests? Did Paine have to look so retentive and cliche in her outfit? Back to Rikku - was it so neccessary that she was wedgied beyond belief and decorated like an unwanted birthday present? But anyway, before I attempt to rest my throbbing head by answering these questions, there is more important news to tell!

Open the windows, hear the fanfares, skip down street in your nightgowns and bedhair, linking arms with the milkman and do the twist with the postman - there's sublime news! Square have released a first ever sequel to a Final Fantasy game and check this; the lead role is a female who bares, tee hee, flesh!

This is gonna be rough.

Sex appeal. Lara Croft had it and we all know what happened to her under the pressures of computerised showbiz - her chest inflated and her stomach was hacked at Eidos' expense. The same theme is unleashed upon us to once again creep us out that annoying stereotyped bimbos made out of polygons are supposed to turn us on. Any moment now, you're waiting for candid camera to pop out and say it was all a big fat joke - but it isn't. Oh yeah, the sequel is to FFX. Hey, don't ask me, Square know what they're doing right? It's not like they would want to tarnish their perfectly preened products of perpetual RPG's. Right?

Well in fact, if this game is anything to go by, they don't. For this is just a cheap marketing ploy which only benefits the pockets of Squaresoft. Oh sorry, Square-Enix

I believe that if in this business, every game company should always strive to be the best and unleash the best games onto us adoring fans. I mean, why would you sit down at a drawing board and simply say "I have these plans and we're gonna make a game, and uh, it's gonna be good.". No, no, no. You walk into that room unleashing airwaves of cool from your deodrant alone and say "Hell yeah!. We are gonna make the best game!". And by no means should a game be released without tried potential. Well, Square has created a game that seems to have the subliminal insult for all the fans who loved Final Fantasy X: "This is what you get for loving our games so much, you fools!".

Yeah, thanks Square. We'll keep that in mind.

So, let me sum up the reasons why most of you people want this game:

It's the first ever sequel to a Final Fantasy game - 38% (if you're being honest)
Yuna, Rikku and Paine resemble your soft cyber dreams - 62% (if you're lying)

Seriously though, for a company that is usually flamboyant with it's budget, putting other RPG's to shame, the content of FFX-2 is admittedly cheaper than the thrill of Yuna wriggling around in a mini skirt. The real problem with this 'thing' is that Square conceived the idea over a cash problem - and what better way to milk money from us all by turning two likeable female characters into a before and after advertisement of perverted minds. What really made my skin itchy and caused me to later bite it was the fact that most proclaimed that this game was the best Final Fantasy game ever - before it was released. How nice.

You see, FFX-2 is easily accepted because of the girl-on-girl action people think the game is about. I mean, the comparison to Charlie's Angels is hardly complimentary if you've bared the cringe worthy movies. Then again, Rikku does resemble the annoying and stereotypically stupid Farrah Fawcett. Very well, Yuna and Rikku are the golden exception of the first ever returning playable characters, chosen over the likes of favourable heroines such as Aeris Gainsborough (Yeah, she's dead but the dudes at Squaresoft could pull it off) or even Rinoa Heartilly. Now, if we recall on the likes of Yuna and Rikku, do they actually compare? No. Yuna remains the repressed, soft spoken and naively good and angelic girl who sports new hairdo (well it flares now) and her legs. Rikku, who was merely likeable in the last game has transformed into a pipped squeaked gypsy looking carcrash who has transcended from mechanical genius to illiterate 3rd grader in the space of two years. Then you have the goth token Paine, whose hair is tinged with grey at only eighteen and is styled ala Cloud Strife. That and her leather outfit that is more like a dominatrix contraption is the only masculine feature about this game.

Where do I start? Rikku's outright bufoonery? The abscene of Yuna's brain? Or the abscence of Paine's tongue? So many boo boo's to chose from - ah! The whole game's a boo boo! That'll do.

The story of Dancing/Singing/Summoning/Annoying Yuna and her two buds. That's buds, not buns.

After vanquishing Sin from Spira two years ago, Yuna returned to Besaid and was jabbed into leaving with Rikku to lead a new life. What does this entail? Shedding her kimono pyjama's and swapping them for sluttish v-shaped bodice and denim hotpants that should keep her popular with the Ronso during mating season. Rikku's worse mind you with the pigtails perched on top of her bandanna amongst the furry beaver that looks as if it was caught in the microwave. She then joins Rikku's sphere hunting group named the Gullwings who- what? The name? Och, they got the name from a seagull they hit with the airship-

I know, I know. Bear with me.

Before Yuna did join, she was shown a sphere of a man that resembled Tidus being held captive. Yes, the Tidus from Final Fantasy X. The Tidus who fell in love with this poor clueless woman. Taking for granted that everyone knows that Tidus sacrificed himself to save Yuna, her appearance through the whole game will make you generally think: "Man, Tidus wanted to save that? God, what an ungrateful tramp!". Her motivation throughout the whole game is to find out if Tidus is really alive, and reunite with her love. Now, Tidus is a good guy. He really is. In Final Fantasy X, I grew to like him and urge him to finally admit his love for Yuna and my heart choked when they were passionately kissing underwater without drowning. And by the end, I was upset. However, how shocked would Tidus be to suddenly arise from wherever he is at and to find Yuna with very bad vocabulary, hideous fashion sense and under the inspiration from the Spice Girls? He'd probably have a heart attack and still be better off. Yuna's wimpy sense of faux pas emotion and nervous and exaggerated gasps do not make her a heroine rather than a nonentity product from MTV.

Plus, she's become a right trollop - although bested by none other than Paine. At sixteen she was hanging around with older men and probably getting up to unimaginable things that her parents would disown her for. So now we know two of her vices - sex and silence. Rikku and Yuna seem to be casual to the odd flirty dirty with one of Paine's conquests, Gippal. Again, ungrateful cow.

If you think that is bad, wait until you hear the dialogue that would make the campy efforts of Resident Evil seem like an epic. In times of crisis, Yuna will muster out a "disasterrific" and when in doubt, she'll splurge out "I don't like your plan. It sucks!". Was this the sophisticqted beau that flaunted a serene and impressive nature two years ago? Who captured Tidus' heart? Oh, but what really takes the biscuit is her little quip after being robbed "Oh poopie!". Great, we're playing Final Fantasy from the nursery years. You know what makes Yuna's "Oh poopie!" worse? She borrowed it from the idiotic of the braindead, Rikku. We all knew that Rikku's naive nature often made her less perceptive than the others (such as her fear of thunder, yet she declared this right before they entered the 'Thunder Plains'). But back then, she was only fifteen. Well, now she's seventeen and I've heard of immaturity, but I've also heard of no excuses either. Her obnoxious use of inane words and cutey-not comments are almost unbearable. And then you have the sincere Paine, who often prefers to keep her mouth shut and is fully aware of Rikku's annoying banter.

Wait, there's more to be said for the other characters who have been shoved into the moving van for Final Fantasy X-2. Wakka has impregnated Lulu who never really shows under that tight dress that would probably suffocate the baby. Dona has shacked up with Barthello, Shelinda has become a reporter but is still annoying, Kimarhi's become the elder of the Ronso mountain and New Yevon is at war with the Youth League which includes members such as Clasko, Lucil and Elma.

You progress through the story by chapters which have their own missions to be completed in order to gain more percentage for the "perfect ending". It's a bit of a shame because most of the missions are quite fun and great, having good dialogue, good humour which could be easily missed. If it was the mainstream story of the plot, then this game would have been much stronger all around. The story level completion is one of the most absurd features in the game. It is virtually impossible to do this because of the flow of the game. You have to activate miniscule scenes sometimes for percentage points and at times, they must be done in order. And some of the mini games you'd rather not dabble with are obligatory such as a 'maths' game called Sphere Break (which is one of those bothersome games you'd want to break). The mini games are poorly executed also. If only the card game was kept - now that would have been worthing requiring to do.

Come on girls, let's go play with Dancing Yuna!.

The last Final Fantasy game that dealt with independent class change was Final Fantasy V. Personally, I found it a innovating challenge but very complicated. For the benefit of costumes and sex appeal, I presume, Yuna, Rikku and Paine can change their classes. For instance, Yuna wields guns per ce but can change to say - a dancer (excited? wait until you see how she dances like a dyslexic chicken and her awful voice). These classes all represent different abilities in battles. Rikku, a default thief can change to a black mage or a white mage or whatever costume you want to see her in. Paine is your leather clad warrior but can vamp it up in a different class. It is a nice feature and very fun although it sometimes make it confusing to your plan of strategy, it will push you to fight more battles though sometimes you need each character to be more than one class, and with that against you, you would generally think the difficulty increases. It doesn't. However, that's not to say that changing the way a character looks and making them a different class cannot be fun. It's more than that. Having classes such as an alchemist and a samurai really does sound like fun. Doesn't it?. You learn the dressphere's individual abilities, which needs EXP and AP from battles. Although an important factor, it is flawed in itself though. Why learn abilities when it's sufficient enough to just attack the enemy?. Sadly, this is true.

For the battle system, it has changed systematically. Battle actions will happen instantly after entering the command which is both handy and infuriating because the ATB is very fast and all characters could be waiting for commands while you carry out say, a trigger shot. Being hit could easily interrupt that, delaying your own turn. Sometimes the menu is bigger than the time you are given to decide, leaving enemies lined up waiting with glee to smack you about (But hey, damage can make Yuna go on all fours right?). But on the front of battles, mostly, a plain attack is all that is needed to defeat enemies and bosses. So why bother with class changes?. You probably will be able to tear through this game in half the gameplay time without ever changing a class. It's unreasonably sad. And believe me, if you ever do lose to an enemy, it will be either because your brain switched off and took it for granted or you just weren't concentrating. Most of the enemies, including bosses pose less challenge to that of normal enemies. The most thing consisting in Final Fantasy X-2 would be the vast amount of mini games that are included.

There is a bizarre use of action whilst travelling around in dungeons though - you can jump, climb and that sort of stuff. But the sudden interaction with the surroundings is muddy and very clumsy as you need to hold a button constantly while you move Yuna around trying to figure out what you can climb or jump from - merd. They have even occupated the sounds of bumping into a wall and climbing that you would really only find the first lady Lara Croft doing. It's nice but Yuna runs about like she's just realised she's in a bad game and can't get out of her contract. I couldn't put my finger on it exactly, but something felt wrong in the way she moved, the way she handled and the whole feel of Yuna. It seemed really less in richness and she just felt like - whatever!. See?. An example of the level of "camp ness" in this game. A minor confliction I had with the game was that you can easily build up your money to buy items and accessories because you don't have to buy any weapons in the game. The problem with this is the fact that you can acquire items and the accessories by defeating enemies making the millions of money useless. And the major confliction would be the game's length is equally pitiful to the challenge to beat it - and proof of this would be the appalling and abyssmal final bosses that you are pit against. Was this supposed to be an insult?

But if you chose just to level up by fighting random bosses and actually moved with the main storyline, ignoring the extensive side missions, you really could complete this game in a matter of a day - and don't get started on the a thousand reasons not to use other dresspheres considering the unfair and illogical A.I the enemies are given and the fast pace of the battle system. And lastly, this is the shortest Final Fantasy game ever if you discount the missions.

And it just goes like La la la la la la la la la la la la la, then a squeak and an eardrum bursting. Possibly. I had cotton buds in at the time. I asked my friend but she can't hear me....

There's only one way to describe the voice acting of the dreaded trio - abyssmal. Hedy Burress has no conviction as an actress and when she actually does pick up acting lessons, she'll probably look back and cringe like the rest of us. Tara Strong's puts in one of the most annoying performances ever, she's really surpassed her stint as the Rikku from two years ago. Reflecting on the inemotive cliched dialogue and backed up with weak and irritating performances, subtitles would have been better. And if you need evidence from the child friendly script then enter LeBlanc and her two goons that complete the "Team Rocket" outfit. Her lines include "Oh look, it's the 'Dullwings!'". God. It get's even worse than that with the tone of her voice sounding as if she's in panto taunting the kiddie crowd.

Nobuo Uematsu's absence in this game is probably his best career move yet. Takahito Eguchi and Norkio Matsueda present only one memorable tune throughout the whole game. One. "1000 Words" is the theme song sung by Yuna (but really by Jade from Sweetbox). Full of emotion and deeply sad when delving into the core of the story concerning Lenne and Shuyin, it really is a great song. However, if the camp disco Eurovision fodder lite "real Emotion" wasn't enough to horrify your eardrums then be prepared to hear funk and disco at it's worst. Disconcerting fills play through and you're subjected to some of the worst compositions ever. The synthesisers are used crippingly and the marching swing is so awful - and please don't get me upset when trying to describe the horrific cheesy jazz themes that they've crammed in the game. Inane, unmeaningful and a slur compared to Nobuo Uematsu. Square would be wiser never to let Takahito Eguchi and Norkio Matsueda near a soundtrack again.

Beauty is skin deep, which is why the girls have washboard stomachs, white teeth and no boob tape. Yes, no boob tape.

Graphically, let's be honest - when has Final Fantasy ever failed? The quality of the graphics does not disappoint but the most part that is disappointing is that nearly all the locations replicate those in FFX and hardly any new locations are in this game. However, the enemies, monsters and characters are all very impressive and this is the other standout point of the game. The other light criticism on the budget (now a well known factor) is that usually every Final Fantasy game has a new graphic system and a whole new vamp. This isn't exactly a bad point but it would have been nice all the same.

While Final Fantasy X sneakily got away with this, with X-2, I discovered that with the less facial movement and boring cutscenes of turning around, flapping arms and Rikku jumping, seriously looking as if she's on virtual valium - the graphics seem like the same engine for Final Fantasy VIII except converted to the PS2. It's not neccessarily a bad thing because the graphics are technically the best in the genre but it only compelled me to reflect back on the FF games as a whole, and since Final Fantasy VIII - Squaresoft/Enix have seemed to create their own "feel" using graphics, mainly westernising characters. But by doing that, any element of suprise is banished. I thought for instance, Final Fantasy IX had a combination of VII & VIII in the graphic engine. But Yuna made me think of Selphie while Rikku reminded me of Quistis and Lulu to Edea as did the Celsius ship remind me of a Edea's SeeD ship converted into a flying Harley. Okay, point made and I'm betting you're confused and have brain freeze by now.

But guessing ahead, I'm sure that after the developers made Rikku bare the uncanny resemblance to Christina Aguilera and Paine a much more sultry Pink, they decided to tone down Yuna's likeness to Britney Spears. So instead they gave her a rubbish song to keep the similiarities intact. Really though. One more thing which bugged me was the less of the emotional facial features that have been replaced for the three girls just blinking after a few seconds. The finesse seen in the previous game has been banished along with Sin. I did expect a little more FMV also, which is rumoured to being cut from in game scenes to simple intro and ending sequences. Bor-ing. Also, you'll notice the distinctive FMV in FFX has been changed. Moving onto the conclusion then.

What Final Fantasy X-2 is and has to offer.

For the masses of Final Fantasy fans, this is a game that prefers the girls. Ironically, they have marketed this game to mask that. Although it may seem obvious, where does the fanbase for this game rely on? Males will buy it because they think it has "babes" in it, girls may not but should because it is a girl's story, narrated by a girl who's basically serving up her "love" for a boy and the friendships she has with Rikku and Paine. It would be unfair to dent the title for this alone, and I'm not giving the impression that for what it is makes it bad. But girls may find it too cutish and too girly and some guys may find the lack of machoness in the game may deter ultimate enjoyment. But it's the fact that Yuna and Rikku's charm is completely stripped and converted into a mindless and shallow cyber orgy.

If you are a comfortable manufactured pop music fan, being male and feeling secure in admitting Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are your number one idols - then you will have no problem accepting this game. And with no descrimination, it's just that this can be a teenybopper game designed for girls to enjoy, the fashion, hair styles and anything else about them reinforces that trends were set from culture to the Final Fantasy girls, and them to us. Evidence would be the teenybopper-esque intro FMV.

Above anything else, despite my ranting in the review - you could and most likely will get a more mellow and fun experience with this game. Call it Final Fantasy on it's holiday, or something. No seriously, for what this game publicises and because of the massive hype it's emerged, I'm not going to feel sorry for the game or be nice to be polite. The game will be dissappointing compared to the hype, no doubt about it. And this is probably my most controversial review.

And she lived happily ever after at the centre of attention for all the wrong reasons!.

Overall, FFX-2 was a project that was easily achieved critically and comercially because of the "sexiest" title it was given with it. It was hailed as the greatest FF by people before they even played it. I'm sorry to say that it's the complete opposite. It's a nice offering and not too shabby but the characters are boring (and only three you get) with dull and cliched personalities with the gameplay being far too easy, limited and shortlived. The wait was not completely worthwhile but not too excruiating. It is likely you'll play this again because it is simple and fun in it's prime with it's many mini games and the multiple endings you can receive. Once you have complete the game the first time round, you can play "New Game +" which allows you to carry over your items, dresspheres and story level completion over to a new game to improve.

I'll give you the worst things about the game. Lame missions such as moseying monkeys to find soul mates and the rendition of the fun Blitzball game is almost crass. The 100% story completion is absurd and the scattered cutscenes make the game even harder to digest than Tobli's exclamation of "Yunapalooza". Yes, sweet Jesus, the game really does scratch upon disasterrif- damnit! I knew it was contagious!

I wanted this game not because the girls looked good or because it celebrated how realistic computer technology could make their boobs be. I wanted this game because I expected Yuna to capiltilise on something RPG's have sort of lacked - strong female leads. This and the fact that the game's message of "Forgetting the past" when Final Fantasy X's was "Hold onto memories" is not only ironic, but it makes the journey of finding Tidus insipid and you really wonder if Yuna actually cares about it, let alone you. The game is just not emotional enough, frustrating enough, hard (I'll rephrase that..) difficult enough or even remotely interesting compared to other FF titles to be absolutely honest with you. What I did get out of the game was an easier venture that very slowly grew on me. I could come out and say I liked it. But I won't. As a sequel, it seems to be based on the word loosely as the game is very slippery in terms of how Spira and the events of FFX are dealt with.

One last thing though; the day you can turn to a Final Fantasy smart arse and say "Well I beat the last boss with a single fire spell!" may be dawning soon.

Reviewer's Score: 5/10, Originally Posted: 06/14/04, Updated 11/27/04