Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

"For all of the hype, it just doesn't cut it."

As most of you know, San Andreas was originally an M-rated game. The game is wrought with violence, sex, and foul language. I won't go into much detail on that, as I gave my speech on that when I talked about Vice City. Sufficive to say that these sorts of things aren't any bother to me- I say that as long as the parents have full knowledge of what their kid is playing, the parents are welcome to let their kid foul their minds with such a horrible example...

However, San Andreas crossed that fine line and hit the "AO" rating. Apparently there was old lines of code hidden in the disc for the game, and these old lines of code included a mini-game that was cut from the game. In this mini-game, dubbed by many as "Hot Coffee", your character and his girlfriend have sexual intercourse, and while you stay clothed, the girl is entirely nude.

Naturally, leave it to computer hackers to find this little "gem" and bring it to the attention of the world. Now, it is a playable modification on the computerized versions of the game, and with the use of a cheating device, it can appear on the PlayStation, also.

Well, our country can't stand such things! As our lovely moderator Tiger once said, "Yea, kill off the people all you like! Drop some F-bombs! Bang some sluts! It's all good! Our kids should definitely be exposed without our concern! BUT, don't you ever show someone naked! The consequences would be dire! That's why we must definitely make San Andreas AO, not because of anything else!"

Anyhow, the game was branded "Adults Only", and now it is all but impossible to find. Many people are rather upset by this news. People who haven't bought the game yet are feeling as if they aren't able to buy the game any more, and people who already own the game feel that their baby is being ruined by the slap on the wrist.

Me, I have only one thing to say: So what? Working at a game store at the time that the game got its new rating, I admit I was disappointed; I can't sell the game anymore, and it sold really well, too. However, I won't miss the game whatsoever, and I absolutely fail to see what everyone is going to miss.

Today, I'm going to go where no one has gone before; I'm going to give you a review from the perspective of someone who liked the previous games, and found this new to not be anything to compare with what the others have been. I warn you- it's slanted, and it's wrought with opinion. Don't look for one of my unbiased reviews here; in this case, I just can't give one.

Gameplay- 9/10

The gameplay has taken some overhaul since the last Grand Theft Auto game. In this game, you take the role of CJ, another man who's recently decided Liberty City just isn't for him.

Let's start with his appearance. Tommy Vercetti could change his clothes, provided that you were willing to hike halfway across the globe to the clothing shop where the style of clothing can be found. In San Andreas, you purchase clothing and it hangs in your closet for you to change into later. This means that changing your appearance is no longer a massive headache. They've also added haircuts, giving you the option to make CJ a badass buy with a goatee, or a gangsta with a 'fro. However, your design goes farther than that. Depending on your outfit and hairstyle, you gain/lose sex appeal, affecting how easily you get a girlfriend (For the "hot coffee" mini game, among other things.)

However, it goes even farther than that. You eat food to replenish health, but you can't eat too much food or you'll get fat. If you're fat, you look fat (which may or may not be a good thing) and your stamina decreases. You also can build muscle to increase you ability to perform physical manuevers.

You also now have "skill." Each ability has a skill level; your ability to drive, your ability to shoot a pistol, and your ability to swim. As you perform whatever action it is that you're performing, you gain practice with the skill and you slowly but surely become more proficient at whatever skill you're practicing. Eventually you're able to corner at 50 MPH on a bike without doing the classic Vice City wipeout.

I mentioned swimming. That's right! You can swim! Unlike previous games, you won't flounder needlessly and die whenever you touch water. CJ can not only swim, but he can swim well. Now there's nothing you can't do!

Weapons and vehicles have been added to the arsenal, giving you more customization than ever. (As if the previous game didn't have enough!) There's also a much larger map. This is a good and bad thing. It's good that you get some change of scenery, and bigger maps means more different stuff, but on the flip side, it makes memorization TERRIBLE. WITH the large-scale map, it took hours to learn the Vice City map well, and this one's 5 times bigger. Not to mention the fact that the world map is less than helpful this time around. SO many streets; you'll go nuts!

There are other features, as well- I'm only just scratching the surface. However, as with all games as massive as this one, you'll just have to pick up the rest yourself!

Graphics- 7/10

According to our rating system, a 7 out of 10 is "good", and that's what these graphics are; they're good. They aren't great, by any scope of the imagination. Even for a PS2 launch title, they wouldn't have impressed me. However, the game IS awfully big, and the graphics are good enough to get a point across. I mean, if the graphics had been spectacular, then "hot coffee" probably would have caused RockStar to have to remove the game from the market...

Sound- 3/10

Sound effects were fine, so I won't discuss them. Instead, direct your attention towards music and voices.

Music - Well, I am not really in any position to complain about music, because that's a taste issue. The focus of the previous game was in rock music of some form or another, and in San Andreas, there doesn't seem to be a focus. They've got a little bit of everything for you to choose from. On one hand, it mean that no one feels left out, even the lovers of country. On the other, it means that people who like a type of music are woefully limited in their choice, because any other station will leave them feeling disgusted. That's a matter of taste, I suppose- if you have a tolerance for all music, I suppose this game is amazing, but my personal opinion is that Rock Star tried too hard to appeal to everyone, and in the process really didn't make anyone happy.

Voices - I've been reading reviews, and they all are very much a "high-low" situation. Usually, the lows share something in common, but oddly, I generally disagree with the lows, even if I disliked the game. In this case, I'm with the lows. What is it that the lows are saying, you ask? They're saying this- the voices were garbage.

Now, the voice ACTING was great. Samuel L. Jackson, among many others, was a fun addition to their cast. Yea, it's not Burt Reynolds, but hey, Sam's awesome.

However, that's not the problem. The problem is the dialogue. While it may often be witty, and it might make you laugh, it is by far the most foul stuff you'll EVER hear.

Everyone swears- it's a fact of life, and it cannot be avoided. However, there's a fine line between keeping it real and going way overboard. San Andreas has crossed the line, and it's WAY past it. Their language is absolutely terrible, and frankly, it doesn't add anything to the gameplay. I mean, when people are dropping F-bombs every other sentence, you're bound to get tired of it. F- this, F- that... you can tell RockStar just wants to be edgy. Yes, using it once or twice won't hurt any more than everything else, but use it with moderation, and try to keep it real, you know?

Story- 2/10

The story for Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas goes in a brand new direction from other GTA games, and that's where this game loses its fuel in a hurry.

As CJ, you're back in town for a funeral and catching up with your boys. You're a gang member from the 'hood, and you learn that your gang, which used to be a big name in the area, was down and had been taken over by rival gangs. The purpose of the game is to deal with the gangsta wars and become the top gang member in Los Santos.

Basically, it's a weaker version of previous titles. Unlike before, where you're a mobster trying to run a city, you're just a lowly gang member who's in charge of street gangs in Los Santos. No more high-time drug dealing, no more mass murdering of people... no, it's small time now, and it really bites. You can't help but feel as if you're nobody when you think that you're just a gangsta from the 'hood. No matter how badass you are, you're still just a punk.

The game also lacks the destructive feeling. The vibe you get from Vice City when you kill the cops is just... different. It's more of a "Damn, who the hell do those cops think they are? I'm in charge here- you can burn in hell, sucka!" In San Andreas, there's just not that feeling of power. The first few missions of San Andreas involve your character peddling his ass off riding a bike while gang members shoot you from their car. In Vice City, you didn't stand for that. If someone shot at you, you took their gun and shoved it down your throat; you didn't run like some sort of a pansy...

Even the main character is weak. CJ wants to be a good boy, and isn't about killing people. He does things in this game because it's for the good of his family in the 'hood. He's not in it for himself, he's in it for the others... it's too "Good"; it's too heroic, and it's DEFINITELY not RockStar.

I suppose the bottom line is that it's a new vibe, and it's a vibe that I personally don't like. If you don't find it to be ruining the RockStar tradition, then by all means, I give this game high regards for you.

Grand Theft Auto 1, 2, 3 and Vice City were all the same; be a crime lord and don't pay attention to the rules. San Andreas never leaves the rut of "Play By the Rules." Despite having better graphics and far better gameplay, this change of pace that deviates from the utter mayhem of earlier Grand Theft Auto games really drags this game down. 3/10 means the game was poor, and that's how I most definitely feel about San Andreas.

Reviewer's Score: 3/10, Originally Posted: 08/01/05