Enter the Matrix

"An unholy abomination set loose upon the world to consume the souls of the innocent."

Remember that time before the second Matrix movie came out? It was a wonderful time. We all still thought the Matrix franchise was good. After the intense psychological thrills of the first movie, we just assumed that the next two would be just as fun. It was with this same sense of blind naivete that I walked into Best Buy to get a copy of Enter the Matrix. Well, you know how the movies turned out, and you can probably guess how the game turns out.

On second thought, you probably can't. No matter how bad you think the game is, it's worse. When I started playing this game, I was literally struck speechless by the complete lack of functionality, or even anything that could be qualified as “entertainment” in this piece of software. This is licensed schlock at its absolute worst.

Normally, to be labeled as a “game”, software must have some sort of compelling content. Maybe it has a good story (Final Fantasy VIII), or maybe it has great gameplay (Grandia, Star Ocean). Whatever it is, every other game that has ever come out has always given you some sort of reason to play.

For whatever reason, the developers of Enter the Matrix decided not to include any of this compelling content. They have managed to somehow assemble a collection of ones and zeroes that is less entertaining than gouging your own eyes out with a white-hot shard of metal.

I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to learn that the developers spent the entire development cycle sacrificing animals to summon demons which poured gallons of pure, unadulterated evil straight into the DVD's later packaged as Enter the Matrix.

It's so incredibly awful, in fact, that I'm shocked that an army of angry players hasn't already assembled and laid waste to the headquarters of Shiny Entertainment, the home of the sadistic beasts who slapped this horrendous title together and tried to bill it as a game.

Let's find out what makes this game so bad, shall we? Let's start with the first thing an innocent victim will see: the box. At first glance, it looks like just an ordinary video-game box. On the front it says “Enter the Matrix” and the iconic green letters of the Matrix are behind it. (My guess is that those little symbols are actually the runes of binding that chain the satanic forces inside the DVD)

Underneath those words you see “Written and directed by the Wachowski Brothers.” Oh my gosh! Something made by the Wachowski brothers is terrible? I never would have guessed!

After seeing the Matrix franchise cruelly and unmercifully beaten to death by the second and third movies, it's hardly a surprise that yet another Matrix product has been utterly ruined by the Wachowski brothers.

Turn the box over, and the question, “In the war to save Zion, what part will you play?” stares back at you.

Given that this is the tagline of the game, you'd think there would be some sort of system that would let you shape the events of the game, right? WRONG! All it means is that you get to pick one of two characters. They each have a couple of different missions, but that just means you get to experience true agony in two different ways. It's like getting to choose between performing an amputation on yourself or diving head-first into a pool of razor blades. Sure, you have a choice, but neither one of them is particularly appealing.

I just have to ask, why the heck did the developers choose these characters for the protagonists? One of them (Niobe) has just a bit-part in the second and third movies, and the other (Ghost), I never saw once in any of the films. If I'm going to play a game based on a license like the Matrix, I want to play Mr. Whoa himself, Neo.

I think maybe the board-room conversation went something like this.

Guy 1: “We need to decide who's going to be the main character in this game.”

Guy 2: “How about Neo? He has all the cool moves and is the most developed character.”

Guy 1: “Naw, I think we should pick two lame characters no one cares about. Their kung-fu isn't as cool as Neo's, and they have less personality than a rock, but we won't have to pay Keanu Reeves to do voice-overs!”

Guy 2: “Sounds good! Do you think I should sacrifice this goat or this chicken?”

Guy 1: “Goat, definately.”

However it happened, it was just as bad an idea as everything else confined in this DVD.

Okay, so we've finally made it past the box. What unspeakable horrors await you in the game itself? Let's just say that it takes an inhuman level of evil to create something like this.

When you start the game, you might get your hopes up because the cinematics look fairly nice. Once you actually pick up the controller, your hopes are brutally dashed against a rock and left out in the sun to die a horrendous and miserable death.

As the game starts, you are given incredibly vague mission assignments that give you next to no clue as to what you should actually do. Nevertheless, you decide to set out and see if you can figure it out somehow.

Unfortunately, moving the on-screen character results in one of the most hideous and unnatural movement animations ever put on screen. Your digital avatars run like they have loads the size of a Mercedes crammed into their no doubt black leather underwear.

As they run, the stick their arms out stiffly so they look like SS troopers from WW II saluting Adolph himself. Everything about the character models is stiff and either screams, “I am part of a rushed product,” or, “I am possesed by a demon and have no control over my own limbs.”

How can a game they threw so much money at possibly look this unpolished? As previously mentioned, the character animations are so bad they pass the level of comical completely and go straight into out-and-out horrifying. The environments are uniformly some of the most bland and uninspiring you'll ever find in video-gaming, and even the colors are boring. Everything is dark, meaning there's nothing intersting to look at.

If you ask me, though, it's not dark enough. If they had simply made the entire screen black, I could have at least imagined I was playing a good game. Then, as my character cavorted about like a constipated monkey, I could have at least said to myself, “I'm playing Final Fantasy 8! Woohoo, I just beat Omega Weapon! I'm the best!” Instead, I actually have to look at it. More's the pity.

The story is flat out terrible. I can hardly even remember what it was about. There's some half-baked philosophy and sophomoric plot twists that will bore you to tears. It's so agonizing that you may find yourself wishing for the wonderful release of death. At least then, you wouldn't have to endure this steaming pile of poo.

Okay, so now we've managed to awkwardly maneuver our stiff mannequin of a character near an enemy. What follows is nothing short of the most bland and boring action gameplay imaginable. Literally every single enemy in the game, with the exception of some bosses, can be killed with the same move. So, basically, you just spaz your way up to an enemy, use this move, and the enemy is dead. Fun? No.

What if you want to use guns instead? Well, then you just point at the enemy and press a button. Excitement! By the way, keep in mind that all these fights can only occur if you somehow manage to decipher the cryptic mission requirements. I literally had to retry one mission over a dozen times simply because the instructions I was given were so vague I had absolutely no idea what to do.

Theoretically, you do get some depth out of the “Focus” gauge. This meter lets you do special karate moves like from the movies. At least, it would in a perfect world. We know this isn't a perfect world because this game was set loose upon the general public.

In practice, the Focus gauge just makes everything go in slow-mo and lets you jump off walls. Yeehaw. It's still more effective to just (clumsily) maneuver your lifeless character over to the (equally clumsy) enemy and kill them in one move.

I just have to give a big shout out to the driving missions. I mean shout out in the sense that I'm warning you to stay away from them for fear of your life. I suspect that every minute playing these abominable train-wrecks of missions drains one year off your existence with their hideous putrescence.

Basically, you steer and press a button to shoot. They would at least obtain the accolade of “more fun than surgery without anesthetic” if that were all there was to it. At least then, it would just be pitifully basic.

Instead, the developers actively tried to make them as painful as possible. First of all, this portion of the game is infested with just as many inscrutable mission objectives as the rest of the game is. Secondly, the streets are so confusing and poorly laid out that these unclear objectives are only magnified. I could go on, but the mere memory of these portions of the game will no doubt trigger indescribable nightmares in me for the next two weeks or so. Suffice to say, playing the driving portions is even worse than playing the on-foot portions.

If the presentation was nice, at least there would be some enjoyment to get from the game, right? Unfortunately, it isn't, and there isn't any. As I mentioned earlier, the character models move like stiff, lifeless mannequins and they deliver their lines with all the grace of a dying duck. Simply looking at stills of the game, you might think it has above average graphics. Unfortunately, you would be wrong. Everything moves so unnaturally that any redeeming value the visuals might have had has been buried under an avalanche of pure evil.

How about the sound? BORING. You'd think firing a gun would make a satisfying “thud.” Not in this game. Guns sound entirely unremarkable. Hitting somebody with a devastating karate attack? I hope you don't expect to hear anything much accompanying it.

Is the music okay? No. Have you been paying attention this whole time? Nothing in the pile of fetid animal feces has any redeeming value whatsoever. I can't remember a single bit of the music from this game, only that it was painful to listen to. Better to save yourself the torment altogether and just have a priest perform an exorcism on the disk to banish the unholy forces holding the game together.

There is no replay value. In fact, there's no reason to even play it the first time. Just stay away from it, okay?

In the end, this “game” has no value of any kind, either as entertainment or as a companion piece to the movies. The fact that a game like this rocketed to the top of the sales charts while sublime masterpieces like Star Ocean and Grandia barely make a whisper among gamers sickens me.

So... rent or buy? Neither, for the love of God. I already wasted money on this, don't you go and do it too. Even paying five dollars to rent the game is five dollars too much. Give that money to the poor and hope it makes up for the sin of ever considering buying this game.

Final Scores
Graphics: 1/10
Story: 1/10
Sound/Music: 1/10
Gameplay: 1/10
Replay: 1/10

Overall Score: 1/10

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 04/03/06