BlackSite: Area 51

"It's awful, Henry. It's awful."

Why is the title of this review an irrelevant quote from the 1982 movie “Creepshow”? Well, because I can't really put it any other way: Midway's Blacksite: Area 51 is awful. An in-name only sequel to the OK 2005 PS2/Xbox game, Blacksite is the very definition of rushed, horrible, mediocre garbage. Not only is this game just terrible, this is probably the first game I've played since Galarians: Ash that actually made me feel bad for actually playing it. As a matter of fact, I feel like crap just having to write about it. But I'm a trooper, and I feel it is my responsibility to let gamers know to stay far away from this…atrocity.

DREAMLAND STORY

You play as Sgt. Pierce, a soldier in the US military who apparently never speaks and the game will never leave his perspective, even during cut-scenes. Gee, no other MUCH BETTER sci-fi first-person shooters have ever done that before. Anyway, the game starts three years ago in Iraq for no apparent reason, with Pierce and his squad, who is made up of black guy, hot chick, guy who will end up dead in the first 15 minutes of gameplay but may not really be dead *wink, wink*, and Macho Man Randy Savage. Of course, this isn't their real names, but I could give a crap what those are. While fighting the Iraqi troops, Pierce and co. come across a big floating crystal, and then aliens attack!

>.>
<.<

Fast forward three years later, and the same aliens have broken free from their government super secret hidden facility in Nevada, which is actually a huge domed building that actually isn't hidden and can easily be seen from space with a pair of Wal-Mart binoculars. After the government curses their inability to foresee that the giant alien laser can smash through weak-ass concrete, Pierce and company reunite to take back the town of Rachel, Nevada from the invading alien militia. Wow, the amount of “don't care” I have for this story and characters is astronomical. The story could have been interesting if they reeeeeally tried. The game also tries to be all political-like on us, with Pierce's squadmates talking about such hot-button issues like torture and government scare tactics, while naming levels in the game such things like “Stay The Course” and “Mission Accomplished”. Yeah, sorry, it's kind of hard to take that crap seriously while I'm shooting the giant worms and neon-green glowing men. Also, Area 51 is NEVER mentioned in the game. Is it supposed to be the domed building? Because the game sure as hell doesn't let you know that. Geez.

DREAMLAND GAMEPLAY

Blacksite at least features a normal and responsive control scheme that is par for the course for FPS's. Those who actually want to play this crap should have no trouble with controls. However, Midway apparently thinks that most gamers out there haven't finished the second grade, so they flash gameplay tips during loading screens that include: “your pistol will fire as fast as you press the fire button” and “aim for the enemies heads for maximum damage”. Why thank you Midway! My tiny, under developed brain could have never figured such things without your help!

Anyway, you'll be fighting against giant worms, Starship Trooper-like bug aliens, and other generic crap, but most of the time your enemies will be these humanoid alien commandoes that glow neon green. In alien commando boot camp, these guys were taught the best combat technique ever: standing out in the open and getting shot! Occasionally, they will RUSH you as well as you pump them full of lead. Those are some intimidating alien dudes all right! Of course, Blacksite uses the most generic FPS way of compensating for AI stupidity, and that is making every enemy deadly accurate from any range. It's too bad that deadly accuracy doesn't transfer over to your allies, who you will be commanding for most of the game using the….ahem….”awesome” squad command system. Basically, at any given time, Pierce is joined by two of his comrades who can be given orders using the aiming reticule and the R1 button. Just point, press, and they will move to or target the enemy you are currently pointing at. They will also open doors for Pierce, since Pierce obviously never overcame that life hurdle. Long story short: crap AI makes this feature, well, crap. Your squadmates will most likely NEVER kill anything except for the small exploding bug things that die in one hit. They take forever to get anywhere you tell them, and because of the crummy job Midway did actually making this game, may not even be there when you need a door opened! Three times…THREE TIMES my squad just up and disappeared for no reason, and of course Pierce lacks the brainpower to pull switches and open doors himself. I had to reload my last save to make my squad reappear, losing precious crappy game playing time. There is also a squad morale system that seems to do absolutely nothing, as I noticed no change in stupidity form a high or low squad moral. Also, your squad will never die, they will just get knocked out and get back on their feet after about a minute. Yep, it looks as stupid as it sounds…

Pierce's arsenal includes the very useful assault rifle, grenades, a sniper rifle you should use on certain occasions, and a rocket launcher for some of the bigger aliens. That's about it for the weapons you can actually use, as every other one is completely and utterly useless. Your pistol does jack crap, the alien pulse rifle actually goes THROUGH enemies instead of killing them, and the alien scatter gun is not only useless, it wins my first ever “most useless weapon in any game ever” award. The only thing your going to hit with this gun is a wall…when you're right in front of it. The environments you'll be using these weapons in are no picnic either. Very linear, very bland settings and locals wait for you to explore them. Granted, some of these environments are interactive and feature destructible cover, but I strongly emphasize “some”. There is not one eye-catching or memorable set piece in the entire game, and that includes the alien base at the end. Think the total opposite of a good FPS, and you'll get the idea.

Besides drudging along on the ground shooting aliens and getting from point A to point B, Blacksite will also give you a couple segments where you man a turret on a helicopter. Too bad these parts are brief, not much fun at all, and have been done a million times better, most recently in Time Crisis 4. You also get vehicle-driving segments that are so linear and boring that you may actually pause in the middle of them just to find something more fun to do, like stepping on a rusty nail or carving a smile face on your forehead with a ice pick. There is also an online mode for up to…nevermind, it's not worth mentioning. Bottom line: gameplay is broken, boring, generic garbage, enough said.

DREAMLAND GRAPHICS

I give the game the benefit of the doubt: It does have some OK events. Who doesn't like seeing an army helicopter batted out of the air by a giant alien octopus thing, or see some guy get eaten by a giant worm? Besides that though…god help us all. The best way to describe the way this game looks and runs would be a train wreck, followed by an airplane crash, followed by a fireworks factory exploding. Despite some OK looking mountains, this game in no way, shape, or form looks like a “next-gen” game. Crappy looking environments, bad alien and character models, and nasty-looking effects made me feel like I was play the original Area 51 on the PS2. Actually, scratch that, because at least that game ran good. Here you'll get various glitches, screen tearing, jaggies galore, and worst of all, an unstable framerate for the ENTIRE game. Whether it's half-second hiccups, or full minute slide shows, you'll be cursing the day you put this game in your PS3. Oh, and don't give me that “the PS3 is hard to program for and the Unreal Engine 3 doesn't run good on it” speech, because I'll just point you to Rainbow Six: Vegas and Unreal Tournament 3 and tell you to save it. The game also froze on me twice.

Midway should be ashamed, very ashamed of themselves.

DREAMLAND SOUND

Let's see: voice acting is pretty good, music is fine, and sound effects get the job done. Don't see anything wrong with…oh wait, Midway's sub-par porting job causes the sound to skip every 5 minutes. You almost got one in the good column, Blacksite! Almost…

THIS GAME NEEDS TO BE BLACKLISTED

The best part of the game: if you must play it, it's over in 5-8 hours. There is only replay value if you didn't listen to a word I have said this whole review.

Seriously, stay the hell away from this game. If you have a hankering for shooting aliens, replay Resistance or Half-Life 2 instead, as a matter of fact replay those games at least 10 times instead of even THINKING about this one. After replaying those games, there are many other much more fun activities you could do. You could hurl yourself down a flight of stairs, swallow broken glass, or pay a homeless guy to repeatedly kick you in the groin. Take your pick, because anything is more fun than…this. I mean, when the director of this game came out not too long ago and admitted this game was feces, you know you just got to stay away.

I can at least take solace in the fact that I did not pay for this game (got it for Christmas), and now you can take solace in the fact that you can ignore this game forever.

KEWL
+Controls work
+Some OK cut-scenes and events
+If you come in contact with this game, you can make sure no one else plays it by jamming the disc down a garbage disposal

LAME
-Story and gameplay is boring, generic garbage
-The game runs, looks, and sounds like it was programmed by Courtney Love
-The very sight of the game box now makes me physically ill
-Gamestop will probably only give you 10 bucks for it. I hear Blockbuster actually gives you quite a bit for trade-ins. But then again, you should have destroyed the game in the first place!

Reviewer's Score: 2/10, Originally Posted: 01/09/08

Game Release: BlackSite: Area 51 (US, 12/10/07)