Spawn the Eternal

"A Beat-em-up which would fall flat if it wasn't so unintentionally humourous"

Spawn: The Eternal
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You know, sometimes I get games just because they look so damn funny, because they are so damn bad. If I had an N64, for instance, I'd probably consider getting Superman just for the comic appeal (joking!). But let me just say right off, I didn't buy this game. Really. My sister went to Hong Kong, and let's say she visited a certain kind of shop there. Anyways, she gave me a ton of games, and this was one of them.

I don't really know much about the Spawn storyline, but it involves something like time's frozen and you're in a kind of spiritual/netherworld. You're Spawn, of course, and it's your mission to bash up every enemy in sight.

My expectations weren't high. I'd seen the reviews. Sure enough, my suspicions were right - the game is very, very bad. Basically, imagine if you lifted Tomb Raider 1's engine, took away all the versatility, replaced it with downgraded textures, a decidedly polygonic Spawn, and about three or four enemies, you'd pretty much have this game.

Basically, you run around TR style, until you come across an enemy. Then you go into a 2d fighting screen, but perhaps fighting isn't right, more like button mashing. Because there's two moves. Kick, and punch. Sure, there's some special items you can get, like power up and so on, but I really can't call that versatility.

The sound, naturally, isn't that spectacular either. Some droning beat in the background, and the fighting sounds actually sound archaic, like they were pulled from Double Dragon on the NES.

But there's some sort of pleasure gained, because the inherently humourous nature of the enemies you're fighting. One's a salaryman. No kidding. Well I think it is anyway. The other one's a punk. And a not too interesting one either, as far as I can remember. Anyway, this is great to play with some friends, because that way, you can at least pass the controller around once you're bored with it and instead make quips at Spawn, the enemies, the graphics, the sound, pretty much the whole game.

But the fun wears off pretty quickly. I could only put up with it for about half-an-hour. After that, I got sick of the repetitive gameplay and uninspired level design. Needless to say, I haven't finished it.

So the verdict? Don't buy, don't even consider it, unless it's in the $4.99 bargain game bin. But I'd suggest renting it with some gaming buddies, because it's a great half-hour of laughter.

--- 3/10 (would have gotten 1 if it wasn't so unintentionally humourous)

Alternatives? If you own an N64, Superman. That should be in the bargain bins soon. Or on the PS, Mortal Kombat Mythologies - the cinemas are an absolute cack. Or on the SNES, James Bond Jr. Serious alternatives? Try Granstream Saga, if beat-em-ups are your style - be warned, though, it's an RPG as well.

When playing this game, look out for: Angry Japanese businessmen! They've been jostled on the subway one too many times, and they're out for revenge! Watch out!

Reviewer's Score: 3/10, Originally Posted: 11/01/99, Updated 11/01/99