Bubsy 3D

"No synopsis will do this game justice"

The first crappy 3D action game in video game history, Bubsy 3D actually came out at the same time Mario 64 did, proving that there was still plenty of work for all of the people laid off at Nintendo. The game is so bad that it makes Howard Scott Warshaw, the creator of the video game ''E.T.'', a game so bad it almost ended the whole market, look like the President of Mensa.

Despite the game's extreme difficulty, due to bad controls, one of the hardest things was having to sit down and watch the whole storyline! It basically goes like this, an animal that looks like a hand with 2 finger hand (with a head on each finger) explains to other animals that Bubsy was captured, but that he was then lost on another planet. For some reason, Bubsy then magically teleports on stage right in front of the 2 finger looking like alien, says something in Latin, and runs off. Your guess is as good as mine.

Gameplay: 1/10 - The worst gameplay ever in a 3D video game as well as any regular video game.

Here's a short story:

The first enemy I approached had a question mark next to it, after many tries, I actually touched it and it told me to press the square button next to an enemy and see what happens. I followed the game's advice, pressing the square button. Nothing happened. After pressing it 20 more times, I got close to the enemy and tried it again. No success still. Then the enemy blew a kiss at me and it looked like Bubsy died, I wasn't sure though. The enemy blew another kiss. At this point I was really confused, so I tried jumping on the enemy and I died. Apparently I got killed by the very first enemy in the game.

Now with the rest of the gameplay, Bubsy moves like Frankenstein. He can only move forwards and backwards, to turn left, you actually have to stop moving, turn left and THEN move forwards. Only by playing the game will you realize how frustrating this really is. If that wasn't bad enough, if you take more than 3 steps, you'll actually glide a long distance past your objective.

Graphics: 10/10 - Finally a refreshing break away from the rest of the game, the graphics treat you to finely tuned scenery and objects and enemies that look exactly like cartoons!

The above paragraph is what I would have said if the developers of this game took their time on it, that wasn't the case though, so here's the *real* graphics rating:

Graphics: 1/10 - I didn't know hell only had 16 colors and a lot of pixelated platforms! And no, you didn't leave your fog machine on, that's just the game. If you look at an object and take 15 steps away, you literally won't be able to see it on screen. To get an idea of how Bubsy 3D looks, minimize this webpage, right click your desktop and go to properties. Go to settings and change the colors so there are only 16. Add a few dabs of white out on your monitor and you will finally get an idea of what it's like to play Bubsy 3D. The worst part is the opening sequence, which will make you want to bury your eyes in gun powder and then light them.

Sound: 1/10 - Bubsy sounds like Urkel if he were Italian. Make your own joke. Perhaps the worst part is the music, which sounds like the theme to ''The Legend of Zelda'' being played on an off key kazoo that that's being played by a woman going through labor. You can find some of the tracks in this game on the ''Glitter'' soundtrack.

Fun Factor: 1/10 - Not even playing this game while sled riding down a hill with the Man Show Juggies would make this game enjoyable. The enjoyment factor of this game can be compared to working in a sugarcare field for 17 hours a day and then, for your labor, being paid in Bubsy 3D discs.

Final Thought: Kids: if you got this game from your parents, they hate you.

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 09/11/02, Updated 09/11/02