Ballz 3D

"I could have made fun of the title, but that would have been too easy."

Well, it's the start of a new year. It's the start of a new chance to live a year stress free and possibly full of joy. I also dream of such a year. Unfortunately for me, I'm stuck writing a review for the game equivalent of an Uwe Boll movie. You know, for your enjoyment (and for my horror).

But then again, let's face it? Who out there hasn't played a crappy third party developed fighting game? Most can tell you that not one of them can stack up the greats which are now franchises of their own. You know, like the exclusive SNES game Street Fighter 2 or the violent arcade bloodbath Mortal Kombat. Actually, most of these third party games can't actually be called a game but broken piles of crap designed to rip off many video game fans for their money (Shaq Fu, anyone), and nowhere is this more present than in Ballz 3D, a game so heinous that it could be the worst of the worst fighters in history. So, let's share the agony and review this stinker.

GRAPHICS
Let's get this out of the way at the beginning. Ballz 3D uses the most overused game mode on the SNES. That's right; you guessed it, Mode Seven. Seriously, what's with all the mode seven games out there? Furthermore, why can't the many craptastic TPD games who use this mode at least try to make it work?

So, the game basically looks like ever mode seven style game out there. Endlessly rolling landscapes with absolutely no third dimensional objects present except in the distance background. Each level has its own distinctive backgrounds which really don't make a lot of sense. For example, in one level, you fight in an amusement parks mono colored parking lot. This also happens to be the longest parking lot I've ever seen because it's the size as West Edmonton Mall, and keep in mind, your fighting in the middle of the map, so at every degree you turn, it all the same distance, and much like many other TPD mode seven games, the backgrounds are all just the same generic image, much like in the Flintstones cartoon when their walking down a straight road. Great, that's what we need in a terrible game; looped images.

Plus the game straight out lies to you about controlling 3D characters. Instead, your just a mess of 2-D pixel circles, colored differently so you won't get confused on who your controlling. Actually, may I ask why you're controlling a character made of balls? Were the developers so crippled in dept that they couldn't afford art designers, so they when with balls? You know, it would be around this point that I would make some immature 12 year old comment, but I'm bigger than that. (Ha, balls, something that the developers wish they had). Sorry, I couldn't resist. Actually, is it just me, or is this game trying to promote those nasty thoughts? Possibly, because one of the characters that you can pick is a dancing clown who pelvic thrusts the air. Uh-hu...OK then.

SOUND/MUSIC
My theory of disturbed programming commences forward as I advance on to the audio. The music in this game is just, well, creepy. The intro starts off with this extremely horrid porno track. It's like music you would find in an S&M club. Need I say more? You just have to listen yourself to understand. Still, there isn't much in terms of in game music. It's basically the same song looped over again for that particular level. It total, there are only about 6 songs and most of them are so bland it almost painful to hear...or it could be the fact that each song has the world's worst quality on any SNES game ever made. Every song is so painfully digitized, it's dreadful. My guess is that instead of making new songs for the game, they just ripped of the music from the Genesis version and proudly proclaimed that they had a soundtrack.

As for the sound, it's also incredibly poor and well, “interesting”. Basically, all that's presented is some random public domain sounds from countless other video games. For some odd reason though, I feel my SNES is going to explode sometimes because this game actually has digitized sounds unnatural for any game I've ever played. Honestly, it's like there a ghost living in my game. Someone called an exorcist and condemn this horrid game back to the pits of crappy third party game hell.

GAME PLAY
Ha, game play? Don't make me laugh. This game is so crippled that it would make Chuck Norris cry in mercy.

First of all, forget any type of variety you might have expected, because there are only two modes in this uh...game; One Player and Two Player. Even for a SNES game at time, this is absolutely pathetic. No mini-games or anything worthwhile. HOLD ON, WERE IN FOR ONE WILD RIDE! (To hell)

So you choose one of 6 different colored “ball” characters and the game begins.

Right off the start, you will just realize how horrible the games physics are, that it will leave you incredibly snowed. No matter what character you choose, you will not see any different in performance. They move slowly, have incredibly weak attacks and will die faster than a rechargeable No-name battery. Plus, the control design in this game is ridiculous. Getting special attacks to work properly is impossible. Even jumping is a chore on itself. The only way to beat your opponents is to do nothing but wail on the punch button and just pray that you win.

Also, the AI in this game is incredibly cheap and will over power you no matter how good you get at the game. Each time you play, they will do nothing but wail on you with punishing, god-like combos which you can't even perform no matter how hard you try. This is probably the cheapest fighting game I have ever played it's not even funny.

Anyway, you have to fight 8 different fighters to get to the end boss, and probably experience the most broken ending in any video game you'll ever see.

REPLAY VALUE
It would just be easier to say that the game doesn't have any. Although the game has cheats, each of them are completely uninteresting to say the least.

GET IT OR PASS IT: Really? I need to actually answer this question? Save yourself the agony and skip this game at any cost.

CONCLUSION:
This game is just utterly pathetic. You know that the worst part about this game is thought? It was released in 1995, at the end of the SNES life. You would think that by this time, they would've learned how to make a great fighter. Ballz 3D could have been a fun Street Fighter clone with some nice 3-D elements added, but instead, it churned up as one of the worst games on the SNES. Yes, this game is way, WAY worse than Stanley Cup. However, could this game be worse than Shaq Fu? It could be.

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 01/26/09, Updated 11/30/09

Game Release: Ballz 3D (US, 04/27/95)