The Ren & Stimpy Show: Fire Dogs

"There's a very good reason you will not see John Kricfalusi's name on this abomination."

Ah, where to start? Maybe after I've stopped grating my teeth and that vein in my forehead stops sticking out, I can continue.

Well, I know you're just dying to know a couple of things about this game :

1 . Why oh why did you give a game associated with one of history's greatest cartoons such a poor rating?

2 . Who the hell is John Kricfalusi?!

I'll answer the second question first.

John Kricfalusi is the creator of Ren and Stimpy. Apparently John K, as my friends and I like to call him, was suckered into signing over the video game rights to Ren and Stimpy, because this game really should be outlawed by the Geneva Conventions.

His name appears nowhere in the slow credit crawl at the beginning of the game, which means he is free from the stake-burning that I plan on giving to the rest of the morons responsible for this game.

Now as for the first question, I want you to take a fair-sized piece of sandpaper.

Rub the sandpaper vigorously over your retinas.

You have just experienced half the pain that I have playing this game for a MERE HALF AN HOUR. Also, you have been effectively spared from ever having the misfortune of actually PLAYING the game.

On to the meat of the review...

Gameplay - Ever been to the Mountain of Lost Left Socks? ****ing DISNEYLAND compared to playing this game. 0/10

You play as Stimpy. Stimpy is very slow. Stimpy can jump, pick up items that he needs to glue onto the fire truck, and also can utilize a fire extinguisher and paint himself up like a dalmation dog to avoid being smushed by the creepy fireman (more on that later).

Did I mention that Stimpy is very slow? This wouldn't be SO bad if, say, the game didn't have a time limit. A time limit of 2 minutes and 40 seconds. Why 2 minutes and 40 seconds?

BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY FIVE SECONDS LESS THAN IT WOULD TAKE GOD HIMSELF TO BEAT THE FIRST LEVEL.

Did I mention that you have a life meter? Yes indeed. When you are damaged by a bucket of fire (of course there would be buckets of fire in a firehouse) or random wandering bit of animated flame, you lose half your life. Thankfully the game compensates for this by placing bags of cat food or something fairly frequently about, usually right next to a bucket of flame so when you pick up the powerup, you lose half your life again.

Oh, and that life meter is moot if you come into contact with the creepy fireman. If you are not painted to look like a dalmation, he hunts you down mercilessly and kills you. Oh, you can also shoot him with a fire extinguisher, which has about three uses and stuns him for about five seconds. Unfortunately, Stimpy is so slow that in five seconds you can get about three feet past the creepy fireman. Then he kills you.

You get four lives, which means you get four chances to fail miserably before you realize that you have better things to be doing, like chewing tin foil.

Story - Uhhhh... errrr... Stimpy is very slow.

Story? Well, to be honest, I don't have access to the instruction manual to this game, so I'll improv.

''One day, Ren and Stimpy decided to become fire dogs. They decided the best way to do this is to jog at an agonizingly slow pace and pick up random firehouse-related objects, which they will then place onto a fire truck, except they don't have nearly enough time, so they lose and have their show cancelled.''

Audio/Video - Spleen phleansing makes a more pleasant sound, I'm sure. 5/10

The graphics are faithful to the show, insofar as Stimpy is recognizable as Stimpy and Ren is recognizable as Ren, and the disgruntled beaver that you have to glue onto the fire truck looks like a disgruntled beaver that you have to glue onto the fire truck.

The creepy fireman is creepy, both in-game and on the Game Over screen, where you will spend most of your time. Well, the Game Over screen and the ledge of a skyscraper with policemen urging you not to jump - until you tell them you've played this game.

As for music, the actual theme from the cartoon seems absent, which is good, because the people (yes, it took THREE people to program the music in this game; it's in the credits that play at the beginning) who composed the music were all tone-deaf 'shroom freaks.

See, the cartoon often used classical music pieces in the background whilst Ren and Stimpy commited all sorts of hilarious antics and felonies.

The game is no different, except the felony here is ''Attempted Murder'', as all the pieces seem to be little more than a sonic weapon designed to shatter your skull.

Okay, they're not that bad, but they're not that good either.

As for the sound effects, the only thing I heard while playing this game was a little snapping noise at the back of my head. I'll get back to you when I figure out what that was.

Replayability - I'd rather eat hog jowls. 0/10

If you can beat this game, friend, I highly advise you to try playing it after the PCP wears off. If you can still do it then, you are clinically brain dead.

Or at least you will be.

To buy or to rent? - No sir, I don't like it.

Much like that cursed monkey's paw that granted wishes in that story about that cursed monkey's paw that granted wishes, you can find people nation-wide GIVING this cartridge away, if they haven't already had it exorcised by the Pope himself.

In other words, don't even play it. ESPECIALLY if you love Ren and Stimpy like I do. All the rest of you will play it and think it just another bad game.

As for myself and my fellow Ren and Stimpy fans, I will cry for you, so you will not have to do so yourself.

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 03/21/02, Updated 03/21/02