Shaq-Fu

"1/10, likes Shaq's foul shot average"

It was just about a year ago when we reviewed Shaq Fu for the Sega Genesis, which you can find on Da Ass Man review section but only Genesis owners could get a deep outlook into the game known as Shaq Fu. A Super Nintendo review of Shaq Fu was much needed, after all, a lot has changed since last year. Shaq released an even worse album, the Lakers are close to a third title run and Shaq's missed even more foul shots, and he's been staring in Emmy Award Winning Nestle Crunch and Burger King commercials. Did I mention he has a new album?

A long time ago, the only man who can handle a ''Shaq Pack'', the chosen one himself, was destined to defeat Sett Ra, a man who controlled the ''second world'' completely with his mighty beasts. I think something about Nestle Crunch bars is mentioned too. At this point I feel obligated to mention that this was the best story Shaq could come up with, seriously. I think the worst part is that he could have been practicing free throws with all that wasted time.

Graphics: Shaq, sloped brow and all, looks as appealing as Roseanne in crotchless panties - get the point? In the opening screen, a picture of an slender intelligent looking man is shown... why didn't they just show Shaq?

Sound: Once again, I'm just happy that they didn't use any of Shaqs albums in the game. About as aurally pleasing as Mike Tyson chirping about how he will ''EAT EVANDA HOLYFIEL'S CHILLEN''.

Gameplay: The only thing more painful than a ''Shaq-urikin'' is trying to execute it on the controls. Did you notice that the Gensis' controllers have the letters ''A'', ''B'', and ''C'', they specially designed it that way just because Shaq confused the ''X'' and ''Y'' buttons with his home phone number.

Secret Codes: Besides the lame blood code, there is another code that makes the game all that much sweeter, it involves hitting the A button 350 times then hitting the off switch. My friend told me Shaq can throw Nestle Crunch bars too, but he was probably just lying again.

Rent or buy? The real question you should ask yourself is ''How can Shaq learn martial arts when he can't even learn how to shoot a free throw?'' You'd be better off throwing your money away on a ''Shaq Pack'', approximately $3.99 plus tax. The only people who will foolishly buy this game are the same people that will pay for the special edition releases of ''Kazaam'' and ''Blue Chips'', both containing special never before seen videos of Shaq staying up all night to study for a blood test... and still failing.

Final Thought: Unless Shaq writes a book, which he himself admits is unlikely since he is ''illegitament'' (I guess that means illiterate) there is not much more to talk about. Shaq if you are reading this and forgot already: DO NOT QUIT YOUR DAY JOB, FOR THE LOVE OF YOUR FANS!

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 05/26/02, Updated 05/26/02