Captain Novolin

"Stop it, you're driving diabetics to their deaths with this game."

For the sheer amusement value, I downloaded this abomination to see if it was as bad as EGM made it out to be....and it is. I apologize ahead of time for only being able to give this game a 1, but ''Oh lord, it hurts, it hurts, I pray for my sweet death'' wouldn't fit in the box.

God help us, this game has a plot. Aliens have taken over some town, and have disguised themselves as sugary, diabetes promoting snack foods in an effort to either kill people (apparently, they touched down in DiabetesVille), or waste a couple of hours to work off the excess crystal meth they've taken; I can't tell. =P So, you assume the role of local superhero Captain Novolin to vanquish the fiends!! But first, you have to set some diabetes related stuff, and listen to some evil-looking black doctor or some other badly drawn person give you diabetes tips as they tear out your soul with the steely gaze of Lucifer.

It only gets worse from this point on, because this is when the gameplay kicks in.

You take to the streets, hellbent on wiping out the alien scum, who are cleverly disguised as walking soda cans and bouncing donuts. What clever weaponry has Captain Novolin brought with him to vanquish these fiends? Laser gun? Baseball bat? Riding mover? Nope, he's brought along his incredible power to DODGE!!!!! That's right, he can't touch the damn things! =D It gets better. If you don't pick up the fruits and crackers randomly placed throughout the level, you pass out/die/I can't tell. Apparently, Captain Novolin HIMSELF is diabetic. Boy, did HE get into the wrong line of work.

After actually beating the first level, you enter another scene with, of all things, a big honkin' needle. You get to set your insulin level. The Fun-O-Meter just jumped an octave, until I realized you can't set it ungodly low or high. Way to ruin it for us who don't take this game seriously (i.e. everyone). At that point, more freakish demon heads began to force diabetic tips upon me, so I jumped out the window screaming.

This game was apparently supposed to educate me about diabetes. The only thing I learned from this game was which household cleanser deadens your senses just the right amount to make this game entertaining. Educational games have always resulted in being horrible ideas, but this one just tops them all in the level of idiocy (well, Mario's Time Machine is pretty close).

I don't recommend this game as a source of entertainment, OR education. Get your kid a book. I DO recommend it, however, to threaten your children if you want them to take out the trash or do the dishes or whatever. Or, just set the cartridge on fire and run it over several times in a minivan; you'd be doing us a public service.

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 02/14/03, Updated 02/14/03