Barbie Super Model

"Shallow and tacky, like Barbie herself"

I could use this review as a platform to voice my disgust at the piles of crappy “girl-games” that the videogame industry thrusts onto the young female population, and how it insinuates that female gamers either couldn’t or shouldn’t play “real” games, or are simply too stupid to realize that most “girl games” are horrendously awful in every way imaginable.

But I won’t bother, because a garbage game like Barbie Super Model isn’t worth that much effort. It’s an attempt to capitalize on the fact that all little girls apparently like to play with Barbie dolls by making a Barbie videogame that all the little Barbie-owning girls would want to play. The catch is that this game is barely a game at all. Perhaps it was designed and developed by the factory workers whose usual day-jobs would be to poke the smiling Barbie heads into the little plastic bodies all day. At any rate, the game is frighteningly bad.

Ahh, the busy life of a super model. Cruising Hollywood Boulevard in her gaudy pink sports-car, roller-blading on the beach, walking through a mountain ski resort, or biking along the boardwalk. This is how Barbie spends her days, and how the player spends the ten minutes of her life that it will take to complete these four levels.

There isn’t much to do in the levels. Basically, Barbie moves from one end to the other, picking up useless blue and yellow stars that give her more points. After she reaches her “destination” (in other words, the other end of the scrolling screen,) there will be a brief interlude at the gym where Barbie has to practice her runway routine. Press four buttons on the controller and a few directional arrows, and Barbie is done. Then, she heads back the way she came, across the same screens except traveling in the opposite direction.

The most excitement any of these levels has to offer is in the obstacles that try to get in Barbie’s way. Hollywood Boulevard has cars that suddenly appear from the bottom of the screen and try to side-swipe Barbie’s car. Or sometimes Barbie will just get boxed in by several cars, and since her car has no breaks (merely a button to slow down the car…but nothing to actually stop it) sometimes she has no choice but to rear-end the car that is in her way. Either that, or she must break the law by straddling the yellow line and inching in between the two cars.

The other non-vehicle levels aren’t as hectic, but there is still a fair share of seagulls, snow mounds and random frisbees. There is no jumping or anything exciting like that. Barbie Super Model is not a platformer. Though it is fun to maneuver Barbie into a puddle or rock and watch her fall on her ass.

There are two “mini-games” that happen if Barbie touches the camera or suitcase icons (or purse…or something…it’s rather hard to tell) that appear at some point during the level. Both involve having to look at a picture of Barbie on a magazine cover, then matching Barbie to the picture by fiddling around with her appearance. In the first mini-game, you have to find the correct outfit for Barbie in the fitting room, then adjust the colors so it matches the magazine cover. If you can ever remember back that far to recall what the magazine cover looked like. Press a button on the controller, and Barbie will slide behind the curtain, then slide out again seconds later with a new outfit. She doesn’t even move her legs or anything as she walks. Neat trick.

The camera mini-game is similar, except now we’re only dealing with a head-shot of Barbie, and have to choose things like earrings, hairstyle, and the color of Barbie’s lips and eye make-up. Thrilling. Of course, if you get it wrong, there are no consequences beyond the fact that you don’t get any points. Then again, who cares. Points don’t get you anything in the long run except “bragging rights.”

Each level climaxes on the runway, where Barbie must shake her little touche just like she practiced in the gym. Then points are calculated, and the whole thing begins again somewhere else.

Graphically, Barbie Super Model is as tacky as most of Barbie’s wardrobe. Pinks, yellows and light blues abound in starkly horrible combinations. Picture a 10 year old girl from the 80s messing with Mommy’s make-up for the first time, and this is what Barbie looks like. The background scenery is flat and populated by lifeless scarecrow-like people who don’t actually move. Musically, things are not much better. Plain light girl-band pop beats that has no substance. Much like the game itself.

Barbie Super Model is just a stupid game. There’s really nothing more to say. Only the youngest, most naïve of people would get any enjoyment out of this whatsoever. Girls can do better than this garbage.

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 03/19/03, Updated 05/06/03