Wolfenstein 3D

"Who approved this stupid game?!"

Yes, the SNES actually had a version of the early PC first-person shooter classic, Castle Wolfenstein 3D. Whether you knew about it or whether you simply blocked the existence of this game out of your memory banks, it's real... and it's worse than you can possibly imagine.

STORY: In the orignal PC version of Wolfenstein 3D, you were fighting the forces of Nazi Germany in six episodes, each consisting of ten levels. Not in this game. In the SNES version of Wolf-3D, you're fighting the forces of some doofus named Staatmeister, a guy who suspiciously looks like a clean-shaven Hitler. 1/10

GRAPHICS: The graphics are, for all intents and purposes, bad. Mind you, the PC version didn't have great graphics either, but they were far better than this. Anyone who's played Wolf on PC should recognize everything, although some pictures had been changed for obvious reasons. Everything seems to have a choppy feel to it, something I never experience on the PC version. And to cheapen the experience further, a couple of the bosses are from the Wolf-3D sequel, Spear of Destiny. Bleh. 2/10

SOUND: ACHT... Hey, wait a minute! Since when did all the soldiers speak English?! Everybody says ''STOP!'' in various tones instead of more familiar German taunts. The sound is fuzzy at best, not exactly an endearing quality. The only strong point would have to be the music which sounds better here than on a PC. That's not saying much. 3/10

GAMEPLAY: I can never get used to play Wolf on an SNES D-Pad, as I am more accustomed to using a keyboard. Nonetheless, control is fairly decent; something they haven't managed to completely cripple. On the other hand, they replaced dogs with giant rats for no other reason than censorship. 2/10

CHALLENGE: PC Version gave you the ability to choose one of six episodes to play; each episode progressively got harder and harder. In this version, that luxury is removed. You play levels in order. They are challenging levels, but they're... well... bad. 1/10

REPLAY VALUE: You've just purchased a game based on a popular game. After a few hours of gameplay, you finally beat the game that was WAY below your expectations. Would you want to play the game again? Didn't think so. 1/10

OVERALL: Who in the right mind would approve this abomination of coding pretending to be a video game?! Everything about the PC version that made it a hit is either badly converted or removed entirely! Easily the worst game I have ever played, which is ironic because the PC version was actually excellent. Avoid this game like the Black Hole. 1/10

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 07/09/03, Updated 07/09/03