Spider-Man & Venom: Separation Anxiety

"Don't blame the symbiote--I would've "Seperated" too..."

Spiderman. One of the greatest comic book Superheroes to have ever existed, with extraordinary abilities, a witty string of one-liners, and what can I say? A suit designed by the ultimate superhero illustrator; Todd McFarlane.

Venom, one of the most powerful and badass villains to have ever graced the Spiderman series and even further, a walking tower of inky black muscle with a shark's grin and a tongue with the adept mobility of a striking anaconda.

With these two superhumans tossed into a game... How could anybody screw it up? Acclaim did. Let me walk you through how, and let's start with the basics.

The Storyline

Few side-scrolling fighters have a storyline to write home about, some with such a hideous lack thereof it's laughable, and Seperation Anxiety is no exception. Apparently, a hopping-mad Government faction/Religious cult/Liberal Organisation/Branch of Mothers Against Drunk Driving--it isn't specified--entitled ''Life Foundation'', which hints at an international Charity Foundation or The Genocidal side of Greenpeace has kidnapped Venom through means later shown(More on this further), and has extracted a small number of Symbiote lifeforms from the alien monster as, I assume, he was eating a McDonald's Cheeseburger; unable to defend himself from their wimpy soldiers, and plan to bind the Symbiote spawn to their own soldiers in order to:
A) Rule the World
B) Save the World
C) Destroy the World
D) Stop Drunk Driving in its tracks
E) Save the Children
F) All of the Above

It is not specified. Moving on, Spiderman happens to find(if you're playing the Webcrawler's storyline) Venom wounded in the streets, and they pair up to take down the threat. Or to prevent a better future for humanity. Whatever. The story is simple, and, surprisingly, could have been good if it had been played out better. *Spoilers Ahead* The opening stage pits you against a sea of brainless, unimportant thugs, who you gladly beat the piss out of without second thought to the fact that Five Symbiote Spawns are bonding with human hosts and are about to go on a blood-splattering Holocaust in the city. After pounding away the social rejects, you, assuming that you had done this because the Symbiote Spawn was in the area, prepare to fight the first boss.

Which, funnily, is a walking robot called the ''Digger'' that looks like a cross between Sesame Street's Big Bird and a Radiation Suit. Ooooookay? Lucky for you, the rest of the game plays out against the Super Soldiers of the Life Foundation, simultaneously fighting them and the Symbiote Maniacs. *End Spoiler*

The dialogue between levels is much, much more bland than the Comic Strip feel from Maximum Carnage, and most of it will make you say ''Why the hell am I on a Bridge? WHY THE HELL AM I FIGHTING THESE IDIOTS??? WHERE ARE THE SYMBIOTES?''

All in all...

4/10

Graphics

If anyone has ever played Spiderman: Maximum Carnage, they will be awestruck by how cheap the graphics are in this game. The sprites were ripped off from that game, and I mean EVERY sprite. All the thugs are pretty much the same ones as in MC, and all of your moves are animated the same way. The ''Call a Superhero'' hotline isn't as cool as it was against the Six psychos in the old game, and the backgrounds, while similar to ''Super Turrican(SNES)'', are pretty plain, though they fit the mood exceptionably. The shading is suprisingly well done... Excluding how Spiderman and Venom look. They have been heinously downsized from their imposing Maximum Carnage selves. Venom, the once Dark Goliath, is turned into a squatty, grinning pansy covered in what seems to be... Baby oil? Not going to touch that one with a ten foot pole. His tongue looks like a silk scarf. *shuddering violently* Spiderman, funnily, looks like he's waiting for some intense male-on-male action, beckoning for his enemies to come a little closer. How the mighty have fallen. The fighting is still as action-packed as it was in the first game, so I won't bring down anything on that account.

5/10

Sound/Music

Oh... My... God...

Listening to the background music of this game is about as pleasant as sitting through 7 24 hour days every week of Nazi psychological torture. It's a race to see what will happen first--will your panicked tears short out your controller or keyboard? Or will Satan bang on the bottom of your floor and scream ''TURN IT DOWN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!''. That or you'll go insane. I'm willing to bet the heightened suicide counts all across Northern America were partially caused by this game's soundtrack. The opening theme is rather exceptionable; you'll briefly nod you head and mentally say ''At least the music's good,''. Playing the game, however... There is no background music. What plays in the background is a weird combination of dissonant noise that sounds like the repeated plucking of broken electrical guitar strings coupled with someone eroding a chalkboard with rusty nails. The same, simple, irritating tune(if that hell-born music can be called a tune) will play constantly, changing in every level, still equally mortifying. And when I look back at the catchy, techno rock from Maximum Carnage... tears of joy... roll down my face...

The sound effects are acceptable. As recycled from Maximum Carnage as the graphics. The punching sounds like punching, and the text that blinks up(WHAM! SOCK! POW! CRACK!) seem to fit right in with the sounds.

But when the music makes your eyeballs throb and leads your mind to contemplate selling your soul to make it stop... Sound effects go unnoticed.

2/10

The Gameplay

Spiderman and Venom have the physical strength of demi-gods. Spiderman can lift a bunch-and-so tons of Children-filled School Bus, showing only some effort. Venom is much stronger, though slower.

So why the hell can gimpy crack-head teenagers using only their skinny, lifeless arms and Street-Life-Born muscle punch... AND HURT YOU SO MUCH? The first level is quite literally murder, and the rest of the game makes slightly more sense, because you're fighting superhuman soldiers and not Wannabe-Thug junkies armed only with... their fists. Playing this game is a chore, and requires a certain degree of skill, unlike its marvelous predecessor, which was of normal difficulty(excluding the fights with the Supervillains) and simple. Not to mention fun. For one, you will automatically pick enemies up, leaving your flank wide open and allowing the ''ambitious punks'' free kidney shots(The miracle of drug-abuse gives them super strength. It's the only explanation) while you head-butt the dumbass lying screaming in your arms. Luckily, they drop hearts often, and usually are stupid enough to group up, allowing you to punch many at once, somewhat dampening the mind-bending difficulty. But if you think getting proverbially raped by drunken hoboes is annoying... wait 'til you meet... The Semi-Spawn and Ironman rip-off.

Spoilers ahead.

A little into the game, after having to get to level god-damn three before ignoring random soldiers and the Homeless and taking on the alien threat, you will fight the first Symbiote Spawn. He isn't the Prize Pig in coolness, but that quickly changes as you see the rest. Anyway, after you make him eat his own gonads and leave him for dead, a flying moron shoots across the screen, picks you up, and places you in one of like ****ing twenty ''Traprooms'', where you will be condemned to break free and fight killer robots. He does this every two or three stages. You will want to pull off his arms with more fury than you ever wanted to kill the Laughing Dog from ''Duck Hunt(NES)'', I guarantee. Eventually, you fight the airborne gimp, and take him out with one flying jump kick, which makes you scream at the TV at how stupid it is you couldn't do that every other friggin' time he zoomed in--

--right before he, adding insult to irony, captures you--through some unknown, miraculous fashion--again. You will stare at your monitor in mute hatred for about ten minutes, watching Venom/Spiderman writhe in irritation, strapped to one of vivisection slabs on the wall.

Fun. Fun. Fun-diddly-freaking-un.

End Spoiler

The hit ratio is, mercifully, sensitive, and it's easy to take out the creeps when they don't gang up on you. When the flying green Idiot begins kidnapping you, however, the game will get repetitive faster than Resident Evil: Code Veronica Hyper Gold Platinum Edition X 2.0, and you will rarely see the Symbiote bosses, instead battling Somehow-Stronger-Than-They-Should-Be humans.

2/10

The game is a very mediocre title, in my opinion worth playing only so you and your friends can laugh it up at its sheer crappiness. Or when you are very, very bored. Rental? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! No. Get the ROM; sweet revenge on the company that made this cartridge of a thousand nightmares. Or steal it. It's not worth spending any money on it, at all... unless you want to duct-tape it to a Plywood wall and use it for Marksmanship target practice. It is a bad, bad game.

This is Wander, signing off.

Reviewer's Score: 3/10, Originally Posted: 12/07/03