Ballz 3D

"Ya Gotta Have BALLZ To Play a Game This Bad!"

Once in a while, a game comes along that's SO bad, it's crossed beyond the realm of a simple bad game. It's excruciatingly awful- the kind of train wreck that makes you wonder if the developers thought mid-way through production, "You know, this really sucks. We should shut down and re-tool." Sadly, they didn't, and as such, Ballz 3D remains one of the worst games ever released for any system.

1) Graphics. Low framerates, choppy and lumpy animation, average-at-best backgrounds, and characters that are just a heap of balls glued together. Seriously, who thought that a fighting game starring a group of characters made of non-detailed spheres was a good idea? If it weren't for different color schemes, builds, and animations, there'd be no difference in them. As it stands, the differences are pretty slim. They have no facial expressions, heck, they don't have faces AT ALL! Talk about no attachment to the protagonist.

The game gets a few points for trying to imitate 3D arenas with (I assume) the help of some mode 7, but it doesn't make a difference since all fighting is done on a 2D plane anyway.

2) Music/Sound: The music is abysmal. Uninteresting melodies that repeat over and over and consist of the same musical instruments. It's like they programmed these in 5 minutes over a lunch break. Heck, the "melodies" aren't even exclusive to any one character- they just play randomly for whatever background pops up. So any kind of attaching melodies to a particular fighter (like you do in Street Fighter II) is nonexistent. And the opening theme, which consists of an Australian belting, "Oyyy!", followed quickly by a woman sexually moaning, will haunt you. Forget GTA San Andreas- I would NEVER play Ballz 3D around my mother for that specific tune.

Sounds are generic battling noises- pows when you hit someone, one or two sound bytes for each character that are repeated ad nauseum, a jump button sound, and not much else. Weak.

3) Controls. Wait- this game HAS controls? For a second there I thought I was piloting a bus. This game breaks a cardinal rule of fighting games, in that the characters walk unbearably slowly. It also breaks another rule, in that the characters jump with the action buttons, not with the direction buttons. And since two of the buttons are reserved for jump (why they needed TWO is beyond me, since they both do the same thing), that leaves you with less for actually attacking. Well, yes, you CAN jump on the opponent's heads to attack, but the lagging framerate and confusing depth perception make it extremely difficult.

And regular attacks- what is this? Some sort of joke? Most attacks consist of stretching your arms until you hit the enemy. That's it. No in-close and far-away strategy like in Street Fighter II, just a bunch of mindless button mashing to make dull moves happen until you win. Sometimes these attacks will send your opponent flying far to the edges of the arena, which means, guess what? You have to walk up to them, which takes an eternity.

And then there's the ever-popular "hopping on someone's back and beating them until they break loose" strategy, and it's literally possible to win an entire match by doing this, because the AI is so dumb to take abuse.

4) Gameplay. First of all, if there's actually a backstory to this game, I'd be completely surprised. Not like it matters for the actual game, though- you're just picking a badly-designed fighter made of balls and beating up another badly-designed fighter made of balls for two rounds, then you move on to the next badly-designed fighter made of balls. And so on, and so on. Yes, eventually you will face all opponents and win, but it's not worth the trip since the fighting is so horribly designed that one MATCH will bore you. To make it through two matches takes incredible endurance, and to make it through eight? Nothing doing. A game should NEVER be a chore to play.

This isn't helped by health bars that are made of... you guessed it, balls. Fighting games should adhere to the standard rectangle with yellow representing available life and red meaning damage. But when you have a lifeline made of balls, it's not as easy to tell how much life you have with a quick glance to the upper left, because often the balls will be halves. So you pretty much have to pause and do math. It's like when people who are used to analog watches try to tell time using a digital watch. They can't see all the hands at once, so it confuses them for a second.

If you actually lose a battle (which isn't hard, because the AI is simultaneously dumb AND cheap, which I didn't think was possible), no sweat- the game continues for you. That's right, unlimited continues, and you don't even need to press Start to keep going. The game is just stuck in an endless loop, forcing you to play until you either win or hit the power button. This kind of shoddy programming makes Ballz 3D feel like a beta game for testers.

Also, good luck getting someone to play this in 2-player mode. I'm positive they'll be annoyed after one battle. And if you actually happen to make it through a match, you'll get a badly-designed replay mode, which doesn't even tell you that it's coming. One could assume that another match is starting with the way the game gives you no advanced warning. No "Replay Mode" text, no buttons, no nothing. I guess we're just supposed to know.

5) Parting Thoughts: If you want a GOOD game where the characters are made of spheres, go buy Vectorman. Atleast that has excellent gameplay, smooth framerates, solid visuals, catchy music, and controls that actually REACT when you press a button.

If you want a good fighting game, go play anything BUT Ballz 3D. Obviously, Street Fighter II, King of Fighters, Mortal Kombat, Soul Calibur, Dead or Alive, Guilty Gear, Virtua Fighter, and even Tekken are the cream of the crop. But even Brutal: Paws of Fury, a very mediocre game, is better than this. Heck, even Shaq Fu, a game which is one of the worst games of all time, is better! And that should say something, because that game had pitiful controls as well. But not to the extent of Ballz 3D.

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 08/23/05