"Its humor will keep you going."

I will admit that I was one of those idiots who was like "Ness? Oh, you mean that kid from Smash Brothers?!" Yeah. Go ahead and hate me. I knew Ness was not exclusively in Smash Brothers, but that game was what came to mind first upon hearing his name. So anyway, I finally took a break from the smasher Ness and played the real Ness game: Earthbound! Throughout this review, you will read random quotes from the game. They are hilarious, and there is definitely more where that came from if you play through Earthbound. No spoilers in them, don't worry. Enjoy it!

*For some strange reason, a giant eraser is blocking your path!*

Story:
Well, you are Ness. Surprised? If yes, then it gets WAY better! So yeah. You are Ness: baseball cap, backpack, and bat ready. Oh, and your absurd psychic powers, but Ness seems to pay those no mind. One more thing—Ness is a mute or something, because he doesn't say a single word throughout the whole game. Okay, so you wake up in the middle of the night to find out that a meteor has landed near your town of Onett. So you go to investigate, only to become wrapped up in this huge thing involving something completely farcical like the fate of mankind or something... You are the "destined" one. Surprised? If yes, then I am assuming you have never read a book, seen a movie, or played a videogame ever before. The story is predictable. However, the humorous way things play out is definitely unique, concerning dialogue, etc.

Basically, Ness and his friends (whom he will eventually meet up with) must visit the eight “Your Sanctuary” sites and defeat Giygas, who is a total douche bag. Do you think the ending will be a happy one or a sad one? Oh, I can tell that you totally have NO idea!

You will encounter dozens and dozens of amusing people in your quest. There are the overly friendly creeps that remind me of a modern-day cult, mumbling “blue, blue…” There are the two scientists, Orange and Apple— Orange is clean-cut and very sophisticated acting, while Apple is a fat slob who really resembles the good ole U.S. of A. Ironically, Apple will aid you far more than Orange. Both will crack you up, nonetheless. The characters, while you will not grow emotionally attached to them, will satisfy the lack of an overall plot in this game.
STORY: 6/10

*Ness, let's be friends again. I promise to be good. ...uh ...okay? Hah! I lied!*

Graphics:
The whole theme of this game is goofiness, and the graphics definitely do not disappoint in that department. They are goofy as hell. The people look so bizarre... like, I don't even know. It's like that creepy-doll kind of look, given to EVERY person in the game! I really do not think they are bad, but I know some of you all will be freaked out. Especially by the lady with HUGE smiling lips. What is she all about!? Come on people, that's like borderline disturbing.

The environments, on the other hand, are completely NOTHING SPECIAL. They tried to mix 2-D with 3-D, so the houses pretty much look like cubes that are measured in your high school geometry class.

In battle it begins to look completely terrible. The enemies don't look bad, but the effects were so cheaply made. For example, Psi Fire (a magic spell) is pretty much red lines flashing across the screen. Yeah. That really does not look like fire to me. You can't even see your characters! What the fizzle?! That pisses me off. It also makes me wonder how they even made Ness a character in Smash Brothers… I mean, how do they KNOW that's what PK Thunder looks like!? Wait, he doesn't even LEARN a Thunder spell! Oh my goodness, this is such a scandal!
GRAPHICS: 7.5/10

*i'm DR. SatuRn. ZOOm! anD i can REPaiR yOUR BODy. BOinG! DO yOU want mEtO OPERatE On yOU? DinG?*

Sounds:
The music in Earthbound is a bit of a disappointment. Ironically, the only time I enjoyed the music was when I was somewhere I would not remain for a long time, such as Ness's house (which is used only for resting). You will most likely not remember any of the tunes when you turn this game off.

The sound effects only take place in battle. And we know how amazing the battles are! Yeah, the sounds you hear are just as crappy as the effects that you see. There are a variety of different sounds to be heard: beep, boop, bop, boowap, blip, bup, even brlrlrlrl! “BoowAHBoop-” That is the sound that is made when you miss. Doesn't it sound like that for real? It totally does! Not.
SOUNDS: 4/10

*Money, that's what I want. Money, that's what is hot. Money, that's what I want. Money, it's what we ain't got 'cept freedom, freedom, freedom is what we've really sought! Money, that's what I want…

Gameplay:
Well, the gameplay is pretty standard old-school for Earthbound. You get four characters (Ness, Paula, Jeff, and Poo). Each one has his/her own specialties. Paula is good for magic and um… prayer, while Jeff is an inventor, so he has special items exclusively for his use (Jeff cracks me up). Poo is one of those “monk” type people, and does not have normal equipment, but still proves useful. Ness is obviously the game's strongman (er.. boy), with his trademark baseball bat. It is just assumed— battles are turn-based, very anti-climactic, blah blah blah. Battles are rarely fun, and many of the spells that your characters will learn are completely useless.

Something that I found strange was that the boss fights were usually easier than the normal fights... probably because there were SO many normal fights that it just really starts to take a toll on your characters. Plus, the enemies will run after you, so they are difficult to avoid. I often found myself praying for a Magic Butterfly in the next room. However, something that is kind of cute is that after you defeat their "master" (the boss of their stage), they will all run away from you as you exit the dungeon. That was nice.

Outside of battle, you will do normal stuff as you would in any other RPG. Walk around, talk to people, buy stuff. Fun. Occasionally, you will visit a museum. Oh goody.
...
Yeah, so gameplay here is NOT real deep.
GAMEPLAY: 5/10

*Ayaaaeee! I think it's a dung beetle! I'll smash your guts out!*

Entertainment:
I have never had an "entertainment" section in one of my reviews, but I had to for this game. Entertainment in Earthbound is what will keep you playing this game. You will either crack a smile or crack up laughing out loud to all of the shenanigans that go on throughout the story for sure. For example: the photographer (who somehow falls out of the sky) constantly pops up, telling you to smile for the camera and say "Fuzzy Pickles!" It will NEVER get old! And it occurs like 50 bazillion times!

The character of Pokey will also entertain throughout. He is fat, worthless, cowardly, and should pretty much just be called "the kid who gets made fun of at school because he is fat, worthless, and cowardly." But his ego eventually grows (and you will find out why), and you start to loooove hating him. It is so funny.

Mr. Saturns stand out very much. They are so crazy, they even have different fonts for their dialogue boxes! You will SO want to have a pet Mr. Saturn after you've been around them in this game. Too bad they're not real. Sad face.

This quirkiness alone is what kept me playing Earthbound. It is adorable, comical, clever, original, bizarre, and, well, entertaining! I loved it!
ENTERTAINMENT: 10/10

*Belch has changed his name to Puke!*

Replay Value:
Unless you somehow manage to realllllly love this game, this is a one-playthrough game. It will take you quite awhile too, and when you are done you will be so wiped out that you'll want to store it away forever. There are not very many secrets to uncover, either, and even the ones that are around do not significantly change the game.
REPLAY VALUE: 3/10

*I believe… that I have one in my old vehicle collection*

Overall:
In conclusion, Earthbound is absolutely nothing special without its charm. Graphically, it can either be a mixed bag or just a bag full of poop, depending on your personal taste in visuals. Sound-wise this game is nothing particularly special, either. Plus, you will only play this game once, unless you really enjoy it. I highly recommend playing this game, not for the gameplay (oh GOD not for the gameplay), but for its individuality that you will remember for quite a long time. Blue, blue, blue…
OVERALL: 6/10

*Uki Ukiekkiki! (You useless monkey hater!)*

Thank you for taking the time to read this =)

Reviewer's Score: 6/10, Originally Posted: 03/17/06