Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball

"Mindless amalgam of cartoons and bikinis"

I'm guessing this game must have been the culmination of every Dead or Alive fanatics' wetdreams. It was designed strictly for the longtime fans of the Dead or Alive series in mind, and I am also guessing folks who find pixelated women more beautiful than real woman. Regardless, whether that’s an establishment of its intended audience or an excuse for its weightlessness is for you to decide; however, I find the game to be shallow and insulting in general. Typically I prefer RPGs, or survival horror games on the console systems I play, but this was different and so I figured why not take a break away from all of the tension and such you'd come to expect from titles like Silent Hill. That had to be the biggest mistake I have ever made.

STORY (1/10) - It's a sports game. DOA Xtreme Volleyball doesn't pretend to have a story or any particular reason why it exists except to show off its giggling, scantily-clad textured women.

The game is set up in a very simplistic fashion. After deciding which character you want to play as, you use a simple menu to make your way around Zack Island. You can play volleyball at a number of locations, or go shopping, or go gamble your money away at the local Casino, or just strut around in your bikini. You know, TYPICAL STUFF a woman would do at a resort? In addition, the game also has a sort of ''real-time'' feeling to it as there is day, afternoon, evening and night. I suppose this is used to build realism on top of its very cartoonish world and characters. Anyway, that's not important with this game. What we really want to see is some solid volleyball action. Ridiculously enough, trying to get your character to play volleyball in this game’s Story Mode can be difficult at first. Before you can play volleyball, you have to try to befriend one of the other girls on the island into partnering with you. And by default, it seems all of the girls start off hating you, for some reason. You’ll have to go to the various shops on the island and buy gifts for your intended partner if you want her to play on your team. But the gifts have to be right – you have to know a little about the other girl so you don’t buy her stuff she’ll despise. You know, TYPICAL STUFF a woman would do? It will take multiple gifts to convince your potential parter, and each time you give a gift or ask “will you team up with me?”, it uses an entire period of the game day, so in other words, a ton of time is wasted needlessly. Once the game quits all of the happy horse-**** and actually allows the girl to team up with you, then the fun begins. Which brings me to my next point...

GAMEPLAY (6/10) - The volleyball sections of the game is very player-friendly and very very simple. In fact, it reminds me alot of the old Guantlet games I used to play in the Arcades. All you need is the directional pad, and two buttons to play. The girls themselves have their own AI and our programmed to act on their own but you as the player have to decide how she is going to hit the ball and how hard. This is all determined by the pressure-sensitivity of the controller buttons. Of course, you DON'T have to play volleyball, and you can go play in the few mini-games to kill time but that's not the point of Xtreme Volleyball, correct?

GRAPHICS (8/10) - Of course, to the sheer delight of the Dead or Alive fanantics — we have visuals abound of girls everywhere. Honestly, the camera control system is at least as detailed as the volleyball controls. There are many points in the game where you’ll be treated to an in-game cinematic of your cartoon character walking along the beach, sunning by the pool, stretching, et cetera... and the whole time, your controller can be used to change the camera angle, zoom in or out, and switch views. Ridiculously, when you zoom in, the camera automatically centers on your character’s “assets”, if you know what I mean, so it’s impossible even to get a nice head shot. The complete and blatant cheesiness is actually quite hilarious, on several levels. Quite simply, this monstrosity is pure eye candy which isn't too bad I suppose.

SOUNDS/MUSIC (6/10) - The soundtrack for Xtreme Volleyball is actually pretty good and of course, you have the obligatory giggles and such that is the staple of Japanese Anime girls.

OVERALL (5/10) - What exactly were their intentions with this game? Obviously it isn't a very good sports game with its absurdly easy gameplay. So what redeeming value is there? If people really wanted to gawk at women, why not leave the house and head to the local bar? Or if you're underage, hang out with friends and try to get a girlfriend? Creating characters for sex appeal in a video game is perfectly fine as long as the game itself is challenging and fun. Making it completely obvious to the world you have absolutely no intention of making a credible sports game, and instead default to sex appeal is both shallow and idiotic.

Reviewer's Score: 5/10, Originally Posted: 04/15/03, Updated 04/24/03