Conker: Live & Reloaded

"BOO Conker!"

I've got to admit, I'd be looking forward to “Conker: Live and Reloaded” for quite a while, mainly due to fleeting but fond memories I possess of what the original Nintendo 64 version was like. “Conkers Bad Fur Day” was released at the end of the N64's troubled life, at a time when people were upgrading to the then sexy, upright new Playstation 2, and thus this game was overlooked, with most people looking to spend money on things other than a full price cartridge game on an outdated console.

Of course, mighty civilizations has risen, experienced civil strife, and subsequently been crushed into dust quicker than the time it takes Rare to put out a single game, so a lot of you are probably stunned by the impressive fact that Rare have managed to release a staggeringly huge total of two games on the Xbox, the other one of course being the hilariously named but ultimately awful “Grabbed by the Ghoulies”, which had an amusing introduction movie but steadily plummeted downhill from there.

So what do you get for your American rupees when you purchase “Conker: Live and Reloaded” then? You get a revamped remake of the single player game from “Conkers Bad Fur Day”, and you also get a brand spanking new “Live and Reloaded” multiplayer Xbox Live segment, both are so completely detached from the other as to pretty much be completely different games, and thus I shall treat them as such and investigate them separately, starting, in time honoured tradition, with the single player game.

I remember my friend showing me some of the highlights from the single player game many years ago on the N64 version, so I approached the single player game expecting to be highly amused by the games coarse humour. After all, regardless of what anyone says, the N64 was always regarded as a “kids” console, which is why the lewd Conker got so much attention when it was originally released. Foolishly, I expected the Xbox version to be a no holds barred swear-a-thon and rightfully earn its “15” certificate, after all, the Xbox has games like GTA and Manhunt, and anyway everyone knows kids today have had all the innocence sucked out of them. As a ten year old, the mere mention of the word “fart” was enough to make me giggle until milk came out of my nose, even when I had not drunk milk for days; a modern ten year old wouldn't laugh unless they were carving it into a pensioner's forehead. Imagine my disappointment then, to learn that for the most part the game has been toned down, for example, originally punching the tutorial guy would get you a rather rude retort, but in the Xbox version your random acts of violence are greeted with nothing whatsoever. Utter silence. It's almost as if Rare toned the game down a tad to appeal to a wider, younger audience, and that's what first saddened me when I began to play the single player game.

Hats must go off to Rare on the graphics though, credit where credits due, the game looks utterly fantastic, and it probably one of the most gorgeous Xbox games I've ever seen. You can see miles into the distance, there's no pop up at all, Conker is beautifully animated and each level is utterly crammed full of little details. But as we all know, my friends, good graphics do not a good game make, and whilst you can repaint an old war torn pirate ship, chances are if you take it out into the ocean again, the paint will not be able to cover up the rotted old insides that lurk beneath, and the single player game of Conker is much the same as that overly long, pretentious metaphore. But without the pirate ship, obviously.

During their N64 days Rare created some wonderful platform games, “Donkey Kong 64” and “Banjo Kazooie” spring to mind as two prime examples, but alas “Conker” is no where near either of these games in terms of platforming perfection. For a start, Conker has always been about the jokes, and more so than ever the platform sections just seem like filler. Rare, in their infinite wisdom, clearly decided that the earlier parts of the game weren't challenging enough, and therefore decided to try and make the game more action orientated by adding horrid enemies where there clearly should be no enemies at all. So now instead of being able to zip along the earlier segments of the game, enjoying the hilarious “nudge nudge wink wink” humour, you're forced to sweat it out by battling not just with some of the most annoying enemies ever created, but also with the bizarre control system, which seems hell bent on reminding you just how crusty and old the game is. The controls in the game are kept dangerously simple, the B button, when pressed at different times, allows you to perform different actions, which the game labels as “context sensitive”. Bizarrely enough this was hailed as one of the most original parts of the game, despite the fact that “The Ocarina of Time” has done exactly the same thing a few years earlier, but with a much higher level of success. When not taking part in any “context sensitive” nonsense, a swift press of the B button allows you to wield your trusty bat, with which you can tan the hides of your enemies. Except, it frequently goes wrong. When you're tiptoeing across a narrow plank, you spy an enemy, nine times out of ten it will be one of those annoying gremlin things which seem to have complete 360 degree vision, and you'll wait till he turns around before you go to execute your three hit mega bat combo. But because you got your timing slightly wrong (You're required to press the right trigger thus: press <pause> press press) the enemy executes his 360 degrees attack, and you get trapped between him and a wall and you are ruthlessly beaten until you die. Or you are knocked off the tiny ledge and you fall to your death. It may seem like a minor niggle, but it's a fundamental flaw in the control system, and if you spend any time playing this game, this will happen to you dozens of times.

Another terrible example of platform inadequacy, which really highlights Conkers lack of moves, is his inability to grab on to ledges. Perhaps it was excusable in the original, but come on Rare, this is 2005, how much effort does it take to add a few moves to make the game less frustrating? And what the hells going on with the lack of direction too? I'm not asking to be lead by the hand, but now and again a clue would be nice, just to stop me wandering around aimlessly with no idea what my next step should be. And surely the damage received from falling from heights could be softened a bit, particularly with all these new enemies you've added that excel in knocking me off ledges I've just spent 5 minutes climbing up to? But alas, Rare weren't listening.

Anyway, cast the annoying single player into the ocean and you're left with the multiplayer mode. I approached this mode with barely controlled glee, which was soon replaced with utter no-holds-barred confusion. Common exclamations you'll hear whilst playing the Xbox Live multiplayer from fellow gamers will definitely include “Where do I take this flag?” “I see we're storming the beach but what do we have to destroy?” “Why is the flame throwers aiming target not corresponding to where I'm shooting?” and my favourite, “What the hell is going on?” When I first logged onto Xbox Live, I witnessed something akin to a baby bird stumbling out of his mothers nest for the first time, completely bewildered and blinded by the morning sun. Players ploughing beautifully rendered flying machines into sheer rock faces, tanks slipping down deep trenches and becoming stuck, teddy bears with swords dancing round each other for 2 minutes at a time, unable to score a hit because they were completely evenly matched. In short, utter, utter confusion. Now perhaps I'm being somewhat harsh on the multiplayer mode, and I'm sure that with practice and with a full game of human players, you'll be able to, after a great many days of study, work out what you're supposed to be doing, but to me it seems that whilst the basic framework for a decent multiplayer game is there, it's rendered unplayable by the dodgy controls and the complete disregard for explanation.

And alas it seems I'll never be able to work out what is required of me by “Conker: Live and Reloaded”, because for a few days now it seems I've been unable to join large multiplayer games, any more than 3 other people in a pregame lobby and the “press A to declare yourself ready” option simply doesn't appear. I investigated the game message board on this very site, and found to my dismay that other players were having this problem, and that my broadband router was at fault, and that to fix the problem I'd have to download and install drivers. Now I'd understand if I was using some outlandish wires free mega router then one might expect problems, but the fact of the matter is I'm using the bog standard router supplied free with England's biggest high speed internet provider, so surely it's up to Rare to supply some sort of download or something to make their game work properly. But knowing their track record it'll probably take them a few years to realize there's anything wrong whilst they continue to suck upon Microsoft's udder like an overfed, spoilt piglet. Hell yes I'm bitter, I just wasted &pound;30.

Reviewer's Score: 4/10, Originally Posted: 07/01/05