Tomb Raider: Anniversary

"Lara Croft is dead"

After playing the game for a short while I found the title 'Tomb Raider: Anniversary' to be ironic in two ways. One: it's been almost 10 years since the last good Tomb Raider game (Tomb Raider 2.) And, two: Eidos has been forced to "raid" the tomb of an already decade old game. The results are just as bad as you probably assume they would be.

The original Tomb Raider was a success because it was an original concept with nice graphics, context sensitive music, and a clever mix of puzzle-solving, action, and exploration. This rehash would have been better if Eidos had just stuck to updating the graphics, and let older gamers reminisce about the days when Tomb Raider was actually fun.

It's hard to keep track of just how many ways this game stinks. But, let me try.

Graphics: as I mentioned earlier, updated graphics are ok, but not what one expects from new generation machines. Are we still expecting our game environments to look this bad? When a jungle wall meets the ground, is there supposed to be a laser sharp line between textures? Why does Lara look like a 6 foot tall gray alien wearing a "woman" mask? Ok, she's always looked like a tranny with two footballs stuffed in her shirt, but let's get with the next gen already. Underwhelming is the word that pops to mind, and slightly insulting when I think that those Burger King $3 games have better graphics.

Controls: They just plain stink. I think back to the original game and I realize that control was always Lara Croft's kryptonite. In a game that heavily relies on pinpoint precision jumping, I expect Lara to JUMP when I hit the jump button. Not 9 out of 10 times, but every time. It's frustrating to go through the same checkpoint several times because Lara just runs off a sheer cliff instead when I KNOW I HIT THE DAMN BUTTON TO JUMP. I won't even get started on the "adrenaline/dodge" stuff. It ruins the flow of combat, and is a game-breakingly stupid move on the developers part.

Music: meh.

Gameplay: ok, well, you jump around a lot. And hang off ledges. and spin around on conveniently place poles, and throw switches, and such. If you don't know what Tomb Raider is about I suggest you spend $30 on an old PS1 and get the the original game instead, it's much more fun. Yes, this is "updated" for the new generation of gamers who expect more superhuman "moves" (like back-flipping 30 feet through the air to throw a grapple hook onto a ring while avoiding wooden darts) but it just clutters up the game with more complicated ways to reach the exact same goal.

There's really not much I can say favorably about this game. It did bring back some good memories, but then it promptly took a dump on them with it's frustrating controls, poor combat, head-scratchingly idiotic "updates."

I'm really wanting to find out how the ancient Peruvians managed to create a machine that can constantly recycle the same wooden spears in an elaborate never-ending "trap". Seems like a lot of hard work especially when someone can simply "roll" past them. Thousand upon thousands of slave labor hours poured into a mildly inconvenient, yet extremely elaborate, setup. Yes, I know it's just a game, which is why I won't get into the whole "wooden gears that never rot or break even though they've been grinding into each other for a thousand years" rant. One thing that really bothered me was just how boastful Eidos is about this game. They want you to know just how great it is by their commentaries and notes to us. You'd think Lara Croft solved world hunger, or cured cancer, the way they talk. In the end, Lara Croft is just some fabuously rich socialite who uses her wealth to rape Egyptian tombs of artifacts, which undoubtedly just makes her richer. Imagine if Paris Hilton were to climb out of some Incan burial pyramid with the gold crown of a long dead king. Sound like someone to root for? Well, apparently I'm the sucker, because Lara raided my wallet of $30, and I guarantee it will never happen again.

Reviewer's Score: 3/10, Originally Posted: 12/10/07

Game Release: Tomb Raider: Anniversary (US, 10/23/07)