Golden Axe

"Why you shouldn't buy this game."

I had some extra Microsoft Points one day and I decided to buy this game on the XBL Arcade. Unfortunately, this was a terrible idea. Here's why.

Let's start with the good point of the game. I say 'THE' because it is the only good part of the game. I'm talking about the controls. There really isn't much room for error here, seeing as how there are only 4 actions that can be performed. You move with the control stick, perform a combat move with X, jump with A, and perform a special move with Y. The controls work flawlessly, unlike everything else in the game. So I'll give the controls a perfect 10.

Next I want to talk about the story. While I know this is essentially a carbon copy of the original arcade game, I still feel slightly ripped off. The idea behind this game is that the king and queen of whatever the hell country you're in are kidnapped by some guy...I think. It was more like a giant type thing with no name or origin. You know what? I actually wasn't too clear on the story myself. Sorry. I'm going to give the story a....um......0.

Okay, now let's talk about the game play. For half an hour you basically hack-n-slash your way through seven or eight levels of enemies who all act the same. Exactly the same. Fortunately, the monotony of this hacking-n-slashing is just barely broken by the ability to ride a fire breathing dragon or a lizard with a razor tail. The catch is that you have to knock its owner off of its back in order to get on. One huge problem that I had with the game play mechanics was that in some levels I would be minding my own business killing some zombies when I would just fall off the map and die. That is one thing that really managed to piss me off. While it doesn't happen all too often, it does seem to happen at the most inconvenient of times. There is also the ability to grab food and magic potions off of little men that you beat up. I found this to be helpful, but quite unnecessary. So, I'm going to give game play a nice little 3.

I was really disappointed by the graphics. I didn't know what I expected, but when the XBL Arcade description said enhanced graphics, I expected enhanced graphics. Unfortunately, I was wrong. It ended up being more of a pixelated mess. Half the time I couldn't even tell which character was mine. But whatever. I can't go too hard on the graphics, since it is a carbon copy of the original arcade game. But still.....4.

Now there is supposed to be online co-op for this game. There is SUPPOSED to be. But the isn't. Literally ZERO people play this game online. Zero. So don't buy this game expecting an awesome online co-op experience with your friends. Don't even buy this game expecting to have an online co-op experience at all, because you won't have one. So online gets a nice little 0.

There isn't even any replay value to this game. Compare it to putting your face on a hot stove. After you do it once, you are NEVER going to want to go back. Ever. So, and only because of the achievements, replay value gets a 1.

Don't buy this game. I can't stress this enough. Unless you want to spend $10 in Microsoft points for a file that takes up space on your hard drive, DON'T BUY THIS GAME!!!!!! Overall, this game gets a 4 out of 10. And I'm being generous, even at that.

Reviewer's Score: 4/10, Originally Posted: 07/16/08

Game Release: Golden Axe (US, 07/10/07)