Soulcalibur IV

"Moan and whine all you want: it's the best Soulcalibur yet."

When I pop in the latest role-playing game, I expect three things: depth, personal experience, and damnation of the soul. It wasn't too long ago that I dusted off the old Genesis to play a little Street Fighter. Naturally, as a typical example of a fighting game, I expected nothing more than to have a little fun killing time and kicking ass. I pummeled my way through the ranks, eventually having my ass handed to me by the thorn in my ass that is M. Bison. Street Fighter, Dead or Alive, Virtua Fighter. All or among some of the greatest fighting games in existence, but none have ever managed to captivate me in such a way as the Soulcalibur series has.

Of course, that isn't to say that Soulcalibur is nothing short of a “typical example” of a fighter. It has combos and you can fight. All the staples of your ideal fighter are here: cheesy storyline, awkward character designs, and of course: the pummeling of the ranks. As you'd expect, all the cut scenes are lame, and the characters are about as interesting as blocks of wood can ever aspire to be. You have the ax-wielding monstrosity, the funny animal, and the chick sporting double-dees. Half the characters are Japanese, and there's enough pedophilic material in this disc to fill up your hard drive. And yet, despite all these shortcomings, such a series has managed to survive twelve long years. No surprise: one can only expect so much from a game that lets you kick ass with dozens of trinkets of all shapes and practicalities.

And that is exactly what sets the Soucalibur series apart from the rest of the pack: weapons-based fighting. While a few weapons-based fighting games exist, the Soul series was one of--in not the first to do it (with pretty three-dimensional graphics, no less). Of course, I was too focused on Tekken at the time to give a damn, but when I finally discovered the series a full eight years after its inception, I was captivated. Though it may never replace my beloved Tekken, Soulcalibur will always hold a place in my heart. One of the first things I noticed about Soulcalibur was its user-friendliness--or shall I say…“ease-of-button-mashing?” Unfortunately, unlike most fighting games, it's fairly easy to get away with mashing random buttons and pressing “Y” as fast as you possibly can. Once this is realized, the game tends to feel somewhat unbalanced, as if spamming Astaroth's 1A, B combo is much more efficient than mixing it up with your character of choice. Which brings up yet another point: some characters are born spam-tanks. As a Lizardman user, I find it very easy to crawl on the ground and spam his rollout attack. My opponent never manages to get up, and ultimately ends up falling off the stage. It makes me feel…inadequate. As if I have failed as a man and a lover. I am small and insignificant, and nothing can help me. Why has nature forsaken me?

I was equipping a magical ring of power on Yoda's person when it dawned upon me: what the hell kind of fighting game lets me equip magical rings of power? Indeed, Soulcalibur let's you do just that. And it ain't just rings. One can customize the bulk of his favorite heroes and villains with an assortment of ugly and mismatching clothing in the vain of absolute power. Having trouble with that asshat on Floor 41? Try putting on some socks and a new shirt! That cape looks cool, but dammit: it lowers your hit points. Ah, this ugly helmet might do the trick! While we're at it, we might as well make my guy's skin green! It's easy to go crazy with the Character Creation option, but hell if I can make anything decent looking. Well, to be honest with you, I have made some pretty cool character, but the stats sucked ass, which pissed me off. There seems to be a trade off with creating a character: make your guy look cool and sexy, or make him an ugly mofo but with uber stats. Lame.

What the hell ever happened to single player? Story Mode's gone to the dogs, Arcade Mode is boring as hell, and this new “Tower of Lost Souls” mode is utter bullcrap. If you liked Soulcalibur III's Story Mode--forget about it. It's gone. Every character has his or her own five-minute story to tell: originality and interest not need be applied. Tower of Lost Souls is barebones compared to the last installment's Chronicles of Swords. But that isn't to say it's not fun: ****--it's one of the most addicting goddamn games I've ever played. If you enjoyed having your soul absorbed by Oblivion, then you'll definitely have a great time with this fine piece of ass. While you shouldn't expect to disappear from civilization for weeks at a time only to surface for nourishment and cleansing of the bowels, Soulcalibur comes damn close. How does a game that lacks the single-player experience its predecessor had manage to become so addicting? Two things: elements of depth, and enjoyment value. While I could complain all day about how gimped single-player is, that doesn't stop me from continuously attempting to get past that stupid stage I'm stuck on in Tower of Lost Souls. Story Mode is great for making cash, and unlike most games, you're actually rewarded for your Achievements.

And the slick graphics only add to the addiction. The character models are absolutely phenomenal. I can safely say that this game has by far the most realistic skin I have ever seen in a video game ever. No joke: I actually tried to touch the screen to see how real it felt. I don't know what else to say: it just looks real. Realism of skin aside, the character models really are amazing. Silk looks like silk, leather looks like leather, slutty bondage attire looks like slutty bondage attire--truly amazing. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for the surrounding environments. They look plain and unappealing, like the sex-hound of a girl in your fourth period class. I've had more fun kicking ass in retirement homes than kicking ass in boring, poorly lit dimensional rifts. Some stages are too colorful, some aren't colorful enough. The ones that are colorful are poorly lit, and the ones that might as well have been in Schindler's List burn my eyes with too much light. There are only two or three likeable stages, and I can only the play the same stages for so long before becoming a candidate for an insane asylum.

The soundtrack is equally boring. It's like listening to Castaway Original Soundtrack on repeat. Everything sounds like MIDI, and I don't think I'd want to fight to any of it. Admittedly, few tracks do stick out, but it doesn't really help the game's soundtrack as a whole. The voice acting is corny and emotionless, and switching to the equally deplorable Japanese voice track does nothing more than to piss me off. Where did Namco hire these emotionless pawns? The Talentless Nobody Convention? The translation is on par with that of Zero Wing's: full of grammatical errors and compatible with Quote-For-Laffs. Actually, the writing in general is terrible. Did they borrow these chumps from The Simpsons?

Strangely enough, even with all these complaints, I believe the latest installment in the Soulcalibur series is worthy of a purchase. While it does have some annoying faults--namely the lack of single-player--the game gives the player just enough material to keep him going and going and going. Unfortunately, the bonus characters are lame and generic, and the Star Wars guest characters get old real quick-like. The chance to play as Yoda definitely should not be one of your deciding factors. In short, even with all its shortcomings, the enjoyment it brings is enough to make these faults insignificant. Definitely a purchase.

Reviewer's Score: 7/10, Originally Posted: 08/07/08

Game Release: Soulcalibur IV (US, 07/29/08)