X-Blades

"A Shallow, Mindless Romp Low on Fun and High on Frustration"

Well, I can officially say Xblades is a disappointment. I really, really didn't want it to be, but it is. Quite simply, the combat sucks, hard. It's not just a little bit sucky, but all the way sucky. I don't understand how the game designers could have thought this was fun. Seriously, I think we're dealing with a case of culture shock here. The Japanese often have very different ideas than Americans do of what is cool and fun in a game. This game is the very definition of frustration and annoyance. The combat is complete chaos: legitimate play mechanics are thrown out the window in favor of wildly mashing the X button and doing AOE magic attacks every five seconds. The player is punished for everything he tries to do. For every hit you get on a monster, you will take three. The basic setup is this: have a group of enemies completely surround Ayumi at all times while another enemy or group of enemies snipe at her from afar. Evading is pointless, because these enemies stick to Ayumi like glue. Throw in a very unfriendly targeting system, mindbogglingly weak blades and guns, attack combos that feel completely disconnected from the player's button presses, and a camera that is always finding a way to be in the wrong place and you've got a perfect recipe for a complete mess masquerading as gameplay.

I want to know who the brainiac is that decided to have the targeting reticle fix on an enemy a hundred yards away when you've got five enemies surrounding you within ten feet. Who decided to have the targeting reticle remain on a monster you've already killed going through his I'm-dying-and-disappearing animation. Who is the nuthead that decided to make the targeting reticle target monsters underground that haven't even popped their heads up from the dirt yet, or to target monsters in another friggin' area that you can't even see, when you've got your hands full with a bunch of monsters that are right in your face? The targeting system does everything it can to give the player a hard time. You have the feeling of constantly fighting the game, of working against all the design decisions that went into it.

Aymi's blades and guns are not only extremely weak; there is no sense of them ever really connecting with anything. The player doesn't get that sweet satisfaction of feeling and hearing his weapon sink into enemy flesh or stone vase, such as one gets in the God of War games. You almost have the sensation that these blades are made out of rubber and you're just slapping everything real hard. Stone vases and chests don't c-r-u-m-b-l-e like they should; they tinkle. That is, after you've struck them ten times and the game finally decides to register a hit on one. The only way you know that your attacks are connecting with an enemy is that they are not swinging at you. Seriously, how many times can you hit a monster with your blades and not have them die? Apparently, a lot.

The way Ayumi unleashes her combos contributes to this feeling of disconnection. She just kind of throws her blades out there in a haphazard way that doesn't seem to have much to do with how the player is pressing X. You quickly realize that the best course of action is to forsake the targeting system, mash the X button, and unleash a surround spell every few seconds to get the grovelling hordes around you off your arse.

That's another annoying thing about this game: everything Ayumi does, with the exceptions of swinging her blades, firing her basic gun shots, and jumping, requires Rage energy. Most of your time is spent trying to build up your Rage meter so you can do some attacks that might actually do some damage to your enemy. The best way to build up Rage is to hit enemies with your blades, which is easy enough, but remember there is always some chicken-**** sniping you from afar with energy blasts. What makes matters even worse is that your Rage energy constantly depletes, even when you're not using it! Right on, yet another way to cripple the player and make sure that they don't have fun.

The camera is technically free-style, allowing full control by the player. But there's something else going on with it, as it always finds a way to not be facing the tough boss you're trying to kill or that flying enemy that is repeatedly nailing you with dark blasts. Swing the camera around to face it and find the targeting system locked on that pee-on monster that is spawning a hundred feet away, not on the boss. As I said, the game throws up roadblocks every chance it gets.

The controls work fine in the sense that you can easily make Ayumi do all the funky things she does, but the problem is that most of her moves and combos were designed for a different game--they don't work well against the enemies in this game at all. Sure, I can make Ayumi evade by double tapping the left stick then the A button, but why should I when all the monsters that surrounded me a second ago are instantly surrounding me again after my evade? And for the love of Pete, will someone please tell me who thought it was a good idea to make the player double tap a direction on the left stick to do anything? Directional double taps on a stick are awkward and ridiculous; there is no reason a player should ever have to do them, unless the game is made by a developer that just wants to make players angry. Ayumi also receives upgraded melee and airstrike combos that you will never use. It's fun to toy with them after you've killed all the monsters in an area and you're just goofing around alone, but they have zero effectiveness when you're actually fighting enemies.

Xblades is based on fast-paced, room-to-room area clearing. Basically, this game was made for five year olds on speed. There is a little exploration involved, but nothing like you would find in an action-platformer or action-adventure game. While the first few cutscenes tease us with the promise of a really good story, the game never delivers on that. The animation in the cutscenes is pretty good, but the voice acting and dialogue reach cringe-inducing levels of horrible. The player never really comes to care about what Aymui is doing or why because there is no character development here. The ultra-lame final battle and the even lamer final cutscene are a big slap in the face to the player. It is the worst ending I've ever seen in a game.

There is some entertainment value here if you like lots of eye candy and mindless, frenetic strategy-free action. But don't expect to be overly impressed with anything Xblades does. In the hands of a more talented developer, we could have had a real winner on our hands here. But at most, Xblades is a fart in the wind. Ayumi's exposed butt cheeks are a constant reminder of that.

[Editorial footnote: you can tell this review was not written by Dave Halverson because I did not mention that Ayumi has breast physics. She does, but I didn't mention that.]

Stats
Graphics: 9 The game looks pretty sweet, but in many areas the color saturation is waaaay too intense, and the frame rate gets a little chuggy when you're running through an area. Ayumi's supple butt cheeks look nice, but are too often shrouded by her three super long pony tails. If the pony tails could be nixed, I might give the graphics a 9.5

Audio: 6 Weak. The sound effects for pretty much everything in this game suck. They're soft and cushiony, like you're playing a game in Snuggle Bear world (you know, the mascot for Downy). Stone artifacts should crumble when I hit them, not tinkle. It would also be nice if my blades actually made a sound when they hit something. The hard rock soundtrack fits the spirit of the game, but can sometimes be annoying. The theme song is really good until it goes into rap. Rap is dead man. Let it die.

Control: 8 Technically, the controls work--they just don't have any effectiveness in this game. Ayumi has several moves you will never use, because they're pointless. Mash X, do a surround magic attack, repeat. How do you score control when the controls work fine but they're for a different game? Who knows.

Story: 4 Starts out interesting, but falls flat on its face later on. Ayumi is an impudent child messing around with forces that are better left untouched. A couple of dieties in the game try to tell her that, but she is too annoying for reason and logic to penetrate. In the end, all she's done is create a big mess.

Replayability: There's a couple new outfits that become available after you finish the game once, although to me they look exactly the same. Also, Pro mode opens up, although I can't see why you would want to subject yourself to the torture of playing through this game on a higher difficulty. It's frustrating enough on Normal mode. Upgrades and souls do not carry over into your new game--you have to start from scratch again. That really sucks.

Fun Factor: Let me put it this way-- the whole time I was playing this game I was repeatedly asking my dog why I was playing it. She never gave me a good answer.

Final Score: 5. There are too many other games out there that do action so much better. Rent this one or wait until it drops to twelve dollars. Ayumi's supple butt cheeks are not worth sixty bucks.

Reviewer's Score: 5/10, Originally Posted: 03/30/09, Updated 04/06/09

Game Release: X-Blades (US, 02/06/09)