Big Bumpin'

"Nothing Big About This Game"

If, off of the top of my head, I had to name two things that creeped me out I would quickly respond with carnivals and the King from the Burger King commercials. And if, also off of the top of my head, I had to pick two things which I would never want to see combined, I would once again name carnivals and the King. Unfortunately for me and small children everywhere, this is exactly the unholy alliance that King Games put together when they released Big Bumpin'. Big Bumpin' is one of three games that was released by Burger King and, with a four dollar price tag, actually ended up being cheaper than most of the meals you could order. It is essentially a collection of five different minigames, all of which find you piloting a bumper car as one of your favorite Burger King mascots. While the fact that you are playing a minigame compilation title as Burger King characters is, by itself, nearly unforgivable, what ends up sinking this game is the paucity of minigames offered by the title. Worse yet, most of these minigames are not very good, and even priced at four dollars this game is still almost not worth the money.

When Big Bumpin' starts, carnival music begins to play and the camera slowly pans down to the King's unearthly visage. He stands behind a ticket counter, hands on his hips and laughing like a madman. Start taking some deep breathes and relax; you're not in Hell. Instead, you are in an amusement park that is apparently owned and operated by the King. While this might sound like Hell, it actually serves as the central hub for the game. From here, you can go select your gaming mode. Big Bumpin' features both local and online multiplayer capabilities, but there is also a single player mode for the socially awkward. In any mode, you can select from some of your favorite Burger King characters, including the King himself. The rest of the cast includes Subservient Chicken (the dominant chicken clad in leather apparently didn't make the cut), Whoper Jr. (who has awkward T-Rex arms that don't look like they should be able to reach the steering wheel), and Brooke Burke (don't remember her in a Burger King commercial, or at a Burger King for that matter, but whatever), along with random Burger King employees and some Biker guy that just loves bumper cars, I guess. After you and your cohorts (or no cohorts) select your characters, the game begins. Computer controlled characters tend to be much less fun to play with, as the A.I. can get a little questionable at times. When some items appear, the computer characters will abandon whatever they are doing to go fetch it, even if it is unrealistic in the course of the game. Other really bizarre things can happen in some games (you can get them endlessly following each other in the last man standing game, which is entertaining to watch), and the programmers just didn't put in enough time to make the computer controlled characters much of a challenge. It isn't so bad that single player mode is unplayable, but it gets fairly boring and the minigames really aren't enjoyable enough to warrant playing single player mode much. There are five tournaments to compete in for single player mode, each of which features a couple of minigames to compete in and points are awarding throughout depending on how you place. Placing in first unlocks cars and other tournaments, in addition to the shame the inevitably accompanies playing this game for too long. Multiplayer and online versions of this game are far more enjoyable to play, so if you can happen to coax a couple of friends into playing this with you the experience is actually fairly enjoyable while it lasts.

The primary problem with Big Bumpin', other than the fact that you have the option to play as humanized food, is the paucity of minigames available for you to play. There are only five in total, and the time it takes to complete one varies from a couple of minutes to a couple of seconds. The loading screens are longer than some of the minigames that follow them, which is something that should just never happen. With only five minigames, and with each one being over so quickly, things get old really fast. Even if you happen to like the minigames available, it is unlikely you'll appreciate them as much your twentieth time through (which could reasonably happen in less than an hour). While quality might have been able to correct for quantity, the truth is that most of these minigames just aren't very fun to play. The best of the bunch is a hockey game where you and a teammate take on two other chumps in a game of hockey. You use your bumper cars to smash into the puck and try and knock it into your opponent's goal. This is the best game to play with a group of friends, and if all five minigames were as enjoyable as this one Big Bumpin' would have been a solid purchase. The other four minigames might have been passable as part of a larger compilation of minigames, but they really aren't entertaining enough to play more than a couple of times. There is a basic last man standing game, where you try and inflict more damage on your opponents than they inflict on you. This isn't even fun for the ten seconds it lasts, and repeatedly ramming people with a bumper car is only entertaining if you can actually see the little girl you're hitting crying. There are other fairly standard games, including one where you try and make it to a goal without being hit by other cars and one where you try and keep a puck in your control by bumping into it, neither of which is enjoyable even with a group of friends. The hockey game is fun, but really isn't enough to justify the entire game, and the other games included aren't good enough to serve as anything other than filler for a more complete minigame compilation. Each one of the games feature a variety of power-ups, which typically do nothing but impede the flow of the minigame and muck up whatever fun you might have been having. Somehow, hockey is so much less fun when you pick up the weighted power-up which makes the puck impossible to move. Luckily, all of the computer controlled characters always make a beeline for this as soon as it appears to ensure that gameplay slows down every minute or so. Fortunately, true to the promise of having it your way, you can turn off these noisome little items, in addition to modifying match conditions for all of the minigames.

The controls are fairly solid, but driving around in the bumper car can be fairly imprecise at times. Driving around is intuitive, and it can be accomplished with only a couple of buttons. While moving the bumper car around usually isn't a problem, it can be a little jerky, causing you to miss your target. The game is also prone to glitching and freezing, especially in online mode. At times, you'll get stuck once the game begins and your opponents will be driving around while your bumper car is stuck in neutral. So, this game is like pretty much every other carnival experience you've ever had: the machinery never works quite right and it is far more enjoyable with friends than alone. Oh, and the entire thing smells a little like urine and failure.

Both the sound and graphics are far below what is acceptable for the newest generation of platforms. The music in this game is straight from a carnival, and is every bit as annoying as you would expect it to be. The same track plays endlessly, and it is enough to drive a man, woman, child, or inanimate object to violence. The announcer gives the results in a very creepy, sexual predator voice that you don't hear much outside of prison movies and will make you feel dirty for winning. The rest of the sound effects are fairly standard and don't really add or detract from the experience significantly. All of the character models are very blocky and most of the characters look like they're suffering from the gout. The background is typically very bright and vibrant, and actually looks fairly decent. There are five separate locations to play at, and each one is original enough that you can tell the difference between them, but similar enough that you really won't care. These each look fine, and the giant creatures (before you get too excited, they are only mechanic displays and not part of the game) in the background of some of these are actually fairly nice to look at from a distance. It is once the camera gets close that things start looking ugly, and as long as the camera is far enough away from the actions, everything looks fine.

Big Bumpin' was released new for the price tag of four dollars, and even a bad game isn't really unreasonable for this price. You end up getting what you pay for, although Big Bumpin' isn't a good game by any definition and even four dollars is really pushing it. There really isn't enough to do in the game to keep you entertained for even a full day. The game only include these five minigames, and you can see everything this game has to offer in literally ten minutes. Technically there is a create-a-character mode, but this has got to be the absolute worst create-a-character mode included in a game. You can change the shirts or skin tones of the less important characters, sob quietly for that waste of life you just experienced, and that's pretty much it. Hockey is fun to play for a little while, but frequent glitches impair the online mode, which is the only reason to play the game for more than an hour. While it might be cheap, I would still recommend buying one of the more expensive minigame titles out there, because this won't last more than a day or so. Hopefully Burger King goes back to making food and stays out of the gaming market. If Nintendo included a frozen hamburger patty with each of its games as a promotion, I wouldn't be surprised if I got salmonella from eating it. Thus, feel free to purchase Big Bumpin' if you're in the mood for some cheap minigame antics; just don't be surprised if your 360 gets sick (or if you start feeling nauseous).

Have It Your Way (THE GOOD):
+Multiplayer mode or online mode is entertaining for a while
+Bumpin' Hockey is actually fun with a group of friends
+Fairly solid control scheme which is intuitive to use

Have It Their Way (THE BAD):
-With only five minigames, things start repeating really fast
-Four of the five minigames aren't really that enjoyable the first time through
-Visuals slightly archaic, and things look really weird at close range
-Worst create-a-character mode in the history of create-a-character modes
-Game is prone to glitching and freezing
-Single player mode is really boring, and doesn't warrant repeated playing
-A.I. is a little questionable, and even at higher difficulties doesn't provide much of a challenge

Have It No Way (THE UGLY): Justifying to your friends and family why you are playing one of the Burger King games. Good luck cajoling them into playing Big Bumpin' and explaining to them why you're not playing one of the vastly superior games you have for the 360. Or watching television. Or going outside. Or doing anything that isn't driving around in a bumper car as a Burger King employee.

THE VERDICT: 2.50/10.00

Reviewer's Score: 3/10, Originally Posted: 03/30/09, Updated 07/31/09

Game Release: Big Bumpin' (US, 11/19/06)