"Pretender to the throne."

Do you need a good laugh?

You do?

Great. I have just the solution - a game of Acclaim's NFL Quarterback Club 2000. This game isn't ha-ha funny like the Monkey Island games, QB Club is only hilarious because of its numerous flaws. The game is especially amusing if you've ever played one of the new Madden or Sega Sports football games, because QB Club is buried so far underneath those two in terms of gameplay and well...everything else. NFL Quarterback Club 2000 is truly a side-splittingly, bad football game.

Further proof that Brett Favre is a moron...

The instruction manual's introduction page (supposedly written by coverboy Brett Favre) is one of the funniest things I have ever read. Here's a small excerpt:

''Congratulations on your choice--this is the best NFL QBC game yet, which makes it just about the best football game ever.''

It's ''just about'' the best football game ever, folks. ''Just about''? That's a pretty vague phrase if you ask me. 'Just about' every other football game in existence is better than this tripe.

The Top Ten Reasons Why NFL Quarterback Club 2000 Is Rubbish

10) You can't see who's on the field before taking a snap. Remember in NFL 2K how you could just hold down the R/L triggers to see your eligible receivers and their button assignments? You can't do that in QB Club. Unless you have your receivers' routes memorized, you will have a tough time knowing which player is which. Outrageous.

9) There is no hurry-up offense. The lack of a no huddle (hurry-up) offense makes those frequent last second comebacks incredibly frustrating. If you're out of timeouts with just ten seconds left in the game and you need to spike the ball to stop the clock, forget about it. You will more than likely make it back to the line of scrimmage just as time runs out, rendering your last-minute effort futile. Ludicrous.

8) The oh-so-annoying music. If you thought the background music used in other football games was bad, just wait until you hear what QB Club has to offer. I've heard the music being compared to that found in a porno movie! There is simply no place for hardcore sex in a football game. Preposterous.

7) The framerate is jumpy. The framerate appears to be okay when you first start to play QB Club, but as the game goes on you will notice things start to get a little jumpy. This makes for an infuriating experience. Quite frankly, there is no excuse for a jittery framerate in a Dreamcast game, no matter how old the game is. Nonsensical.

6) The game is buggy. QB Club is full of little bugs that help ruin the gaming experience. One of the most maddening bugs to be found is that the clock does not stop when you run out of bounds. This makes last-minute comebacks near impossible if you have no timeouts left. Outlandish.

5) The graphics could pass for a Playstation game. I've heard many praises about QB Club's graphics. Even on the back of the case it quotes EGM as saying ''Looks Amazing!''. Uh, right. Compare this to one of the PSX Madden games and you will not even be able to notice much of a difference between the two. Limited detail and horrid player design are the main problems here. For shame, Acclaim, for shame.

4) The game is hard to pick up and play. Every football game should be easy to pick up and play in some way or another. Well, I guess Acclaim figured that QB Club should be an exception to that unwritten rule, and for why, I don't know. The game has some truly bizzare controls (since when do you need a brake button in a football game?) and the passing system is incredibly not user friendly (more on that later). Absurd.

3) Switching players is unreliable. Let's say that you're currently controlling a cornerback on defense right now. You're doing a great job when all of a sudden you see one of your defensive lineman about to bust through the offensive line and sack the quarterback. You immediately try to switch to that lineman to bask in the glory of your first ever sack, but nothing happens. You press the button again. Nothing happens. Pissed off now, you press it again and this time it switches....but to the wrong player. The computer-controlled defensive lineman fails to sack the quarterback and the QB successfully completes a 30 yard touchdown pass. You heave your controller to the ground, knowing that the computer just screwed you over. Sadly, this scenario happens all the time in QB Club. Stupid.

2) Worst. Animations. Ever. I haven't seen animations this bad in my entire football gaming career. Whether a player is passing the ball, running the ball, or catching the ball, all of the animations look like crap. Worst of all is the diving animation. The only time players dive like that in real life is when they are trying to jump into the endzone from the one yard line. They aren't supposed to dive like that every friggin' play! Inexcusable.

And finally, the number one reason why NFL Quarterback Club 2000 is rubbish

1) The passing system is downright awful. The passing system's controls are like Madden - press a button to bring up the nameless eligible receivers and then press the corresponding button to throw the ball to the selected receiver. The problem is that the receivers almost NEVER catch the ball. You see, you are supposed to catch the ball. That means that you have to press a button exactly right before the ball reaches you to catch it. If you press the button at the wrong time, the receiver will not catch the ball, even if he is wide open. Unless you are some timing wizard, you will probably complete only one out of twenty passes. Absolutely ridiculous.

Of course, those are only the biggest problems with QB Club. There are oodles of little problems like kickoffs taking too long, sporadic commentary, Genesis-quality crowd noise, a complete lack of a franchise mode, uninspired replays, and extremely hilarious halftime shows that feature dancing cheerleaders.

Oh, wait...there are a few things that are somewhat decent in QB Club.

Surprisingly enough, QB Club is not ALL bad (but it's pretty darn close). Load times are relatively fast, the play calling menu is easy to navigate through (although it is drab), you can play part of Super Bowls I-XXXIII and create your own 'sim' (just like Madden's ''Situation'' mode), the running game is decent, and there is also an innovative 'helmet' cam. Best of all, however, is that QB Club is good for laughs. Laughter is the best medicine after all, right?

The Conclusion.

Whether you have skimmed or read this review, you should know by now how much of a pile NFL Quarterback Club 2000 is. Its few (and I do mean few) decent features are the only thing keeping this game from being classed with the likes of Barney's Hide and Seek and Superman 64. Don't let the game's clearance price fool you - you don't want to spend your money on this.

Best Feature: Relatively fast load times.
Worst Feature: The passing system.

Final Analysis:
Graphics 2/10 - ugly animations, poor framerate, clunky designs
Sound 2/10 - generic and sporadic commentary, horrible crowd noise
Gameplay 2/10 - the bad far outweighs the decent
Control 1/10 - horrible passing/receiving controls, difficult to pick up and play
Replay Value 1/10 - you won't ever want to play this again
Challenge 5/10 - not the hardest football game out there
Overall 2/10

Reviewer's Score: 2/10, Originally Posted: 03/09/02, Updated 03/09/02