I'm sure PETA has problems with this one. Someone took innocent, harmless monkeys, taped cinnamon buns to their heads, and entrapped them in large plastic balls. They then took these balls and set them loose in hazardous floating platorms for amusment. If that's not cruel and unusual punishment, I don't know what is. And why are they "super" monkey balls anyway? They seems like regular monkey balls to me, but I guess no one will buy a game called Regular Monkey Ball.
#9: Centipede (ARC)
You play as a lawn gnome who can shoot lasers. That's really all I have to say about that. In the second version of the game, Millipede, the creators must have realized that this was really really strange, so they changed it to an archer, but I think this was a mistake. In fact, I think every video game ever made should be required by law to have lawn gnomes that shoot lasers. Maybe I'll start a petition.
Okay, so there's this guy named Calypso. Apparently he has the ability to grant wishes, but he wants you to compete in a little tournement before he'll do so. This tournement involves rigging your car with machine guns and missile turrets and blowing the hell out of everyone else. I guess that's how he gets his jollies...kinda weird if you ask me. Okay, so they were trying to add a plot to this car-combat game, but that just seems so strange. Not to mention the fact that Calypso always ends up screwing up your wish. What a jerk.
#7: Shaq Fu (SNES)
Once upon a time, Mr. Shaquille O'Neal was on his way to a charity basketball game (how philanthopic of him) in Tokyo. On his way, he stumbles into a small kung-fu dojo where a strange old man tells him that he is the "one from the stars". Jump-cut to you appearing in some sort of prehistoric alternate dimension...no explanation, nothing. You're talking to the old guy, then you're in another dimension. Apparently, Shaq must save some kid from a mummy. So long as that keeps him from making movies. My jokes are so topical.
What are the Elite Beat Agents, you ask? That's a fantastic question! Well, I'll tell you. The Elite Beat Agents are a secret group that monitors everyone all the time. As if this blatant invasion of privacy wasn't enough of a premise for a video game, whenever you get into trouble and yell "HEEELLLPPP!" really loudly, the EBA comes to your rescue. However, once they get there...all they do is dance around. They...they actually don't do anything, and just leave you to deal with the problem yourself. I hope my taxes aren't paying for this organization.
You've probably never heard of this game, much less played it, so let me fill you in. You play as a guy on a motorcycle, but it's not a racing game, it's a 2D platformer. The goal is to find all the apples, and then reach the flower. ...Yeah... And the controls are very strange. You jerk the motorcycle around by pressing left or right, accelerate using up, and brake with down. The only way to lose is by having something other than an apple touch your head...you can literally be impaled, but as long as your head is untouched, you're fine. So let's add this up: motorcycles + platforming - racing + apples + flowers + strange controls = weird.
#4: Smash TV (ARC)
Everyone loves microwaves, toasters, and VCRs. In fact, some people love them so much they'll kill hundreds and hundreds of people to get them. That's Smash TV, a gameshow in which contestants are placed in a room and are to try and kill as many people as possible, in order to win fabulous prizes! I guess that's better than eating bull testicles, or living on an island for months, or spending a half-hour with Regis Philbin.
I think we all learned something very important from this game, and that is: Michael Jackson can morph into a car....and a robot! In this game, you play as Mr. Jackson himself, off on an adventure to save children who have been kidnapped by the evil Mr. Big. Clearly made before the Jackson molestation controversy, Jackson must search each level for darling little children, who have been stashed in closets, car trunks, and coffins, all the while fighting gangsters, mummies, and spiders. How exactly does MJ "fight" you ask? Well, he does a little kick, and magic sparkles come out of his foot. I wish I was making this up.
Hey, I've got nothing against trying to teach your kid about religion, but this game is just bizarre. Firstly...it has nothing to do with the Bible! Instead, it's a board game with a bunch of food-related mini-games. Only very occasionally will you land on a "trivia" space, and you'll have to ask a bible-related question...however, all of the questions and answers are in the manual...and the chances of you still having it are next to none. But I digress. I just find it hilarious that I can run around killing animated food items with forks and claim I'm playing a bible game. Golden.
One day, the powerful and mighty King of All Cosmos is feeling bored one day, so he goes on a bit of a rampage (probably while intoxicated) and "accidentally" destroys every star in the universe...and the moon, apparently. Later, I guess he decided that he kinda liked the stars, and entrusts his pint-sized son, The Prince, to rebuild them. That, in itself, is weird enough, but I've just begun. To build a star, you start with a sticky ball called a katamari. As the King so points out, "Earth sure is full of things". Your goal is to get these "things" to stick to the katamari, making it bigger and bigger, until it's big enough to be a star. Apparently, some stars are only a few centimetres big...I did not know that. You start off collecting small things like paperclips, ants and sushi rolls. Eventually you'll be picking up little girls, cats, and even work your way up to giant squids and fighting robots. Earth really is full of things...isn't it?