Everyone's thought it. They looked at what their favorite game characters do and say, "Man. What a living." Gathered here I've sampled ten of what I think are the top professions of video games. Before we begin, a bit of criteria on what I based all this on. First, the concept of the job must have begun (or have been vastly improved upon) through a video game. So, no Jedi. Second, the job has to be something a human could potentially get into, so no jobs for monsters or robots. Lastly, I try to focus on jobs that the player character in question chose as part of the game, not something that was thrust on him/her through the course of events, so no Black Mesa Research Scientist turned Alien Slayer. That said, let's open up the paper to the Classifieds, shall we?

Oh sure, you say. Pick any game under the sun where you save the world and anyone could be a hero. It's not a job, right? What a cop-out, right? Wrong! Sure, the concept may be classic, but only the Quest for Glory series presented the "hero" as an occupation choice, a position of respect, dignity, and the admiration of the opposite sex. No experience necessary! If you think you've got what it takes, all you need is to send away for your guide to the Famous Adventurers' Correspondence School, 12345 Aerris Way, Silmaria.

Ted Koppel? Katie Couric? Anderson Cooper? They could only dream to be HALF the reporter that Ulala is. I'm sure journalism school would see a vast increase in students if their destiny was to travel the starlanes, fighting aliens, and laying the smack down on competing reporters, all to the beat of poppy tunes. With the ability to dance anyone into submission, a respectable SC5 Reporter would have no problem reporting from tense situations.

It may require a little bit of nepotism to break into, but this is the job for you if you're into the occult, but don't want the expense of having to go Goth. The "Shadow Hunter" of the Gabriel Knight series has no particular powers, only a golden talisman with some slight protective qualities. Gabriel Knight relied on his intelligence, charm, and investigative skills to solve his cases, proving that you don't need to know mystical hoodoo to beat back evil. As a business perk, Mr. Knight has had the "company" of a different woman each game.

We've seen it day after day. Good men wanting to meet good women. Sadly, time after time, these chance encounters get spoiled by a big guy with a mohawk or a robot-building girl. Something extra is needed to win the heart of one's lady love. That something is a vaunted troupe known as the Rub Rabbits. As a member of this group, you will perform the most daring deeds, the most non-sensical feats, all in the name of catching her eye. From unicycling, to parachuting, to more "personal" feats, you'll learn all you need to help your relationship.

Military-related positions aren't something I normally would include here. Further, I am kinda breaking my rule of getting into your job without choice, but this one was too good to pass up. No longer will you have to worry about bodily injuries on the battlefield, because, frankly, you won't have a body to worry about! As a member of Spectral Ops, featured in Geist, you exist only as a vague spirit, and will be able to occupy and control anyone who's just a little too spooked (and seriously, folks, isn't half the fun getting them there?) Take control of your enemies and use their own manpower against them!

At the time of writing this, I'm currently in the middle of serving a term of jury duty. Let me tell you folks: lawyers have it tough. Knowing all that legalese, being able to perform, and to react at the drop of the hat to something they don't like is difficult. Of course, in the world of Ace Attorney, all that is thrown out the window! Now all you need to win even the most hopeless court battles is a passionate heart burning red, a good pointing finger, and a strident voice to yell "OBJECTION!" at the top of your lungs. To quote one particular A.A., "What a rush!"

The wars of the future will not be fought on the physical battlefield. They'll be fought in the world of mentality. The ability to lift objects with only your mind, conjure fire without flint or tinder, and enter your foes' own twisted psyches and fight their demons in their own mind, is the goal of the Psychonauts. Send away today for your free pamphlet to Whistling Rock Summer Camp, and join the proud tradition!

I know you. Back in those summer days at the beach, the greatest part of building your sand castle was the glorious moment after completion when you were allowed to destroy it, grain by grain. A position in the Blast Corps is perfect for you. Command massive and varied vehicles of destruction and level some of mankind's greatest architecture, all in the name of some vague plot to prevent a nuclear explosion. The faster you go, and the more you destroy, the better you are, so it's time to get movin'!

Want all the glory, tension, and adrenaline that comes from fierce combat, but would rather avoid bruises, cuts, and owies? Let your little pets do it for you! As one of the thousands of Pokemon trainers all over the world, you command your small army of cute and colorful monsters and invoke their awe-inspiring powers. Prerequisites are being good with animals, and a desire to be the best, like no one ever was.

*drum beat* Problems. Everyone has them. Theoretically, they may come in the form of something that could be dealt with by any of the previous occupations. However, sometimes problems spin out of control. They get worse and worse, and all one can do is wrench one's head towards the heavens and scream "HEEEEAAAAALLLLP!!!". That is where the Elite Beat Agents are at your service! Unlike some others, who solve your problems for you, all the EBA give you is music! Through famous tunes, pounding beats, and killer dance moves, the EBA is there to give you the confidence, drive, and inspiration you need to rise to the challenge. Whether it's babysitting kids, becoming a world-class dancer, or saving the Earth from alien invasion, no job is too overwhelming to be solved through the magic of rhythm. Agents are GO!

With the clear exception of #1, these can be readily interchanged as a matter of personal preference in career choices. So, kids: for the love of video games everywhere, stay in school! You just might end up with a career that was the product of someone's over-active imagination. "Do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." - Harvey Mackay

List by CyricZ (06/08/2007)

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