The economy faces a desperate situation and with unemployment rates still soaring, we need a president who will act fast with a real plan that will produce tangible results. Well look no further than Sackboy from the PS3 platformer LittleBigPlanet. Sackboy understands the hardships facing the modern American household. After all, he was never anything fancy; just a piece of burlap. No arrogance, elitism, or high-class disconnect from Sackboy--he is not that different from you, and he "feels your pain."
Despite hailing from modest roots, Sackboy is actually a modern captain of industry! Sackboy believes in a solid investment at home through the production of ample amounts of infrastructure, and to this point, he is responsible for the development of millions of levels in the online context of the LittleBigPlanet universe! Sackboy will use your tax dollars to construct new and necessary facilities at home where it counts! Sackboy will also correct the climbing rate of unemployment as evidenced by his record as a job-creator. With nearly every player in LittleBigPlanet having created and published a level of his/her own conception, and with all those in the <LittleBigPlanet universe having the same opportunity to work and create, everyone can have a job given a Sackboy presidency!
If a damaged and uncertain economy keeps you up at night, come November 6th, cast your vote for Sackboy. Sackboy makes the home front his number one priority, and in that way, a vote for Sackboy is a vote for yourself! An important question has emerged in American society asking, "who built that?" No question has ever been in larger need of an answer since Anslem Douglas famously asked "who let the dogs out?" in 2000. While debate over the answer has bounced back and forth between the two dominant political parties, Sackboy is here to declare that HE built that, and if elected, he will trickle that prosperity down to you.
Sure he is just a sack, but aren't all politicians really just a big sack of something in the end?
We all know that politics is an arena for a bunch of old fokkers, right? So why not accept that fact and elect a real fokker? Pride Fokker that is! Equipped with prior martial training and having been a pilot for much of his life, Pride exhibits the strong military history necessary to execute an effective foreign policy. Combine those qualities with Pride's opinionated nature and his affinity for "the old days", and we have the makings for a contending president.
As they say, half of politics is about one's image. After all, what would Abraham Lincoln be without his chin-strap beard, or Martin Van Buren without his sideburns? Well Pride knows how to make a presidential impression using facial hair as well. In fact, his moustache is so recognizable that even the missiles he fires during his power drive sport the ol' soup-strainer! Equip a moustache to every bullet and missile used in war and every enemy of America will know not to mess with President Pride!
When you get to the polls this election season, vote for the oldest Fokker on the ballot; vote for Pride!
One major criticism of modern politics holds that elected officials are simply ineffectual. Many people maintain that party lines would be meaningless to them if only they could elect a president who was competent, cogent, and productive! The scrutiny for such a leader ends with the election of Salvatore Leone from Grand Theft Auto 3.
Salvatore is a determined business man who seeks loyalty and demands results from members of his cabinet...or else. As the former Don of the Leone Family Mafia, Salvatore knows how to get his way, especially in the face of objections by opposition parties. Certain politicians have theorized that government would work best if run like a business, and who better to carry this idea to fruition than one who has run a successful business for many consecutive years as Salvatore?
Opponents may criticize Don Salvatore for his fortune not being made through "legal" means, or charges that the mafia is not a "legitimate" business, and that governments cannot be structured as such. However, after...*ahem*...fairly aggressive negotiations, those cynics have since withdrawn their aversions, and have in fact chosen to flee the country...if they know what's good for them...
Besides, what politician does not come from somewhat dubious or criminal backgrounds? Richard Nixon teaches us that an emphatic declaration of not being a crook is good enough for a president. Besides, Salvatore is just as paranoid and suspicious, so he is simply following the Nixonian model. It is proven success!
Come election day, cast your vote for security, experience, and results; vote Salvatore Leone!
Now, there is bound to be a block of the voting populace that would prefer to offer their vote to an environmental president. Clean energy and environmental conservation is an area of consideration to which all politicians offer attention to a certain degree, but none are more dedicated to preservation than Dr. Moly of Eco Fighters.
"We have to regain the environment at any cost!" is the rallying cry of Dr. Moly as he inspires his accomplished Eco Fighters, and "any cost" literally means any cost! He does not have an advanced degree just to sign international treaties or distribute corporate regulations. Dr. Moly is a man of action, and he keeps big corporations honest with respect to their toxic emissions the old fashioned way.
When presented with a threat to the environment, Dr. Moly orders his Eco Fighters to take to the skies in their special combat aircrafts to neutralize the source of the degradation. If a logging bulldozer causes deforestation, the Eco Fighters will blow it up! When water pollution threatens the ocean's coral and fish, the Eco Fighters will sink the ship responsible! And when a train emits too much carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, the Eco Fighters will have it violently derailed.
Dr. Moly's policy may not meet the exact specifications of the 1997 Kyoto Protocol, but the important part is that he has initiative! You have to respect that in a president.
It may be difficult to believe at times, but politics--especially federal politics--can serve as a forum through which academics and intellectuals may freely exchange ideas and reform with the goal of the overall betterment of a nation. But wait you say; politics and productivity? Connected in harmonious unity? As absurd as it seems, it is true. To that end, what better candidate than defense lawyer Phoenix Wright of the Ace Attorney series?
A lot of great presidents have come from a legal background: John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and Franklin Roosevelt just to name a few. Why not add Phoenix Wright to that list of great names? However, unlike other presidents before him, Phoenix Wright does a lot of his own detective work and in-depth analysis in order to delve into an issue to generate a coherent and logical solution. Though seldom tested, a hunch suggests that Phoenix Wright's use of facts to attack problems may be applicable to a political framework.
As well, Phoenix Wright is stern in his beliefs, and is in no way shy to "object" to an inaccurate suggestion and point his accusing finger at those in the wrong. Granted, everyone in politics seems to be pointing the finger at opponents. However, no one does it with the style of Phoenix Wright! Who would not want a president to stand up and point his finger at unfair trade practices by China, or at Iran's developing nuclear program, or even at discriminating social issues at home accompanied by a commanding bellow of, "OBJECTION!!!? Phoenix Wright is exactly the type of man who will defend and object on behalf of a nation.
Of course, some would argue that Phoenix Wright is too "goofy" or "clumsy" to be a leader, and does not act presidential enough. Let's not forget however, that one recent president once nearly had his entire political vision foiled by a pretzel. In relation to clumsiness, certain predecessors have set the bar pretty low...
Let's face it--it is 2012, and many countries of the world have had a female leader at some point in their history. America, by contrast, only sees women representing roughly 17% of its elected officials at the federal level. It is time that America moves into the 21st century, and who better to lead the charge than Princess Peach of the Mario Bros. series?
This reigning monarch of the Mushroom Kingdom is sweet and charming, which would make her the perfect candidate for foreign diplomacy to help restore America's increasingly inauspicious and dilapidated reputation across the world. Then again, security would have to be drastically improved since she seems to get kidnapped almost daily...hmm...well, her individual bodyguard Mario should be able to maintain her safety. Peach could even gain international favor by employing Mario's awesome abilities to the United Nations Security Council! If nothing else, at least her connections will keep the nation protected from the evil plots of giant....dinosaur...ish...things...
Now sure, Peach may have opponents who claim she was never properly elected as her position in the monarchy is inherited, and that the Mushroom Kingdom is not actually "real"--but so what? The important aspect is that Peach has legitimate executive branch experience which is more than most politicians can claim. Have a woman legislate on women's issues, and see an end to hunger with a subsidized mushroom market by electing Princess Peach as president!
A self-made individual with executive experience is a rare combination to find in a presidential nominee, but that is exactly what we receive in Laharl from Disgaea. The protagonist of this outrageous SRPG--along with the sword he wields to act as his chosen running mate--has served as both Prince and Overlord of the Netherworld. With legitimate experience being a fallacy in the political construct, a candidate like Laharl, with experience at multiple orders of government, is invaluable.
Laharl also has the personality traits congruent with any politician: he always moves with a band of underlings to whom he refers as "minions", "shrews", or "peons". He and his "running mate" are not above bullying those who decline bribes or vote against him in the Senate. Most importantly however, Laharl is self-absorbed. In Disgaea 2, he presented a motion to the Senate to be named as the main character. In Disgaea 3, Laharl appears only to complain about receiving too miniscule an amount of attention in terms of screen time. If that is not a presidential quality, nothing is!
Plus at 1,313 years of age, Laharl is old; really old. He was basically made to be president!
We have all heard it before: regardless of who the country elects as president, once he/she arrives in Washington, the political scene will simply devolve back to politics as usual. The problem that enables this behavior is a general absence of conviction amongst our elite leaders. The solution to this problem? Albert Wesker!
We encounter Wesker numerous times throughout the Resident Evil series, and some of his political credentials are immediately evident upon introduction. In Resident Evil, we learn that Wesker is the leader of an elite military unit known as the S.T.A.R.S., and part of another called the Umbrella Corporation. A decorated military background such as that is a very valuable attribute for a president to possess. Just look for example, at the military accomplishments of George Washington or Ulysses Grant.
Those men however lacked ambition, and their vision did not extend far enough. Wesker understands the importance of education in the sciences, and if elected, will use his bioengineering connections to invest in the development of the Uroboros project. Sure George Washington pictured a new and strong nation, but Wesker's vision desires global saturation...global! That has to be bigger and better by definition, right?
Some studies reject Wesker's vision as being an extreme form of neo-eugenics on a global scale, but Wesker disagrees. Sure some people will be...*ahem*...removed from the new world, but all Wesker wants is to perfect humanity, and create--to use a popular turn of phrase--a "more perfect union." A vote for Wesker is a vote for a perfect future!
No list involving video game characters and politics would be complete without the inclusion of Mike Haggar from Final Fight. This professional wrestler turned to a life of politics when he was elected to the position of mayor of Metro City. That in itself displays an immediate credential as Haggar claims tangible municipal government experience.
Haggar is a man of action and low on patience. When the local Mad Gear gang kidnapped his daughter, Haggar did not wait for police to intervene, nor did he issue a tedious or fruitless F.B.I. investigation. Mayor Haggar was tough on crime, and when Mad Gear refused to return his daughter to him, Haggar took to the streets himself. Armed only with his best wrestling maneuvers and his favorite steel pipe, Haggar cleared the streets of his own city, and eradicated crime from all districts.
This proves that Mayor Haggar is tough on crime, and as President Haggar his approach towards public policy will remain largely the same with the same level of effectiveness. In fact, Haggar's policy can be summarized with two words: THE PIPE! Haggar's answer to the War on Terror for example? THE PIPE! His answer to partisan political gridlock? THE PIPE! To international protests resulting in destructive behavior? THE PIPE! Honestly, when is a steel pipe not a solution to any of life's many problems?
The PS3's Marvel vs. Capcom 3 has already depicted a Mike Haggar presidency, so let's build on that noble vision and elect a president who will piledrive our problems into submission!
Who needs a constitutional government, or even democracy for that matter? Elected representatives do not actually embody your interests, and even if they do, Washington is known as one place where good ideas go to die. How many times have you sat in frustration as Congress accomplishes very little in its reluctance to act on legitimate legislation and said to yourself, "even I could do a better job than that!"? Well, this is your moment to shine, and your opportunity to put-up or shut-up.
Forget bicameral legislatures, checks and balances, and constitutional amendments--you know what is best for the country, and your favorite level in SimCity proves that fact! You know what areas are best for industrial, residential, and commercial establishments. You know where to invest in infrastructure and where it would be best situated. Under your government in SimCity, the economy was booming, the city kept expanding, wealth was properly distributed, and overall, your constituents were very happy under your rule.
You should be voted president in the 2012 election! Sure your SimCity decisions were unilateral and not exactly "democratic" in a traditional sense, but you are smarter than a Congress full of politicians anyways. Sure, maybe you get bored from time to time and maybe you neglect your constituents during those times. Maybe you even knowingly cause a natural disaster or two, and maybe you had something to do with that monster attack last year. But overall, we can agree that it is still better than politics as usual. Besides, an abuse of power is not anything new to the presidency. In fact, it is practically mandatory!
We need a president who is totally new, and you are just the man/woman for the job! This November, literally cast your vote for you!
The 2012 presidential election could be the most significant vote in which you participate. It could potentially even be a watershed moment in your life! Ronald Reagan once posed the famous question, "are you better off now than you were four years ago?" To all 2012 voters, I pose a similar question: will video games make you better off in four years from now than federal politics?
Of course they will! Forget politics as usual! Video games have been an important part of your life for many years, and it has brought you more happiness than politicians ever will. Video games have always made you smile, and have always held your trust. Therefore, invest in a more pleasurable future, and this election season, cast your vote for a video game character for president!
List by Hanzaemon_ (10/08/2012)
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