Court Document – 07/14/1962 – The Pyro
A terrorist entered the building at around 9 AM with a flamethrower and flamed the ticket giver to death. The camera footage shows the terrorist sitting with the corpse attempting to wake the dead woman up. People ran for their lives as the terrorist went forward burning more victims to the ground. Strangely, the terrorist walked up to the security guard station and put the flamethrower on the X-Ray Baggage Scanner. The guards used this as their chance to detain the suspect at hand. The terrorist claims that the flamethrower is a tool to make people happy. We suggest that he is given treatment at a mental institution for the rare condition known as pyromania.
Sorry for the generic pic. I couldn't find a useable one of the Pyro anywhere on the site.
With his normal means of transportation in the shop, he had to break down and fly commercial to Dr. Wily's castle. Being already in a bad mood that Dr. Light wouldn't spring for a first class ticket, he jumps in line at the security checkpoint at the airport.
After waiting for at least an hour and a half between a crying baby and a guy who smelled of stale twinkies and halitosis (he was a close-talker), he finally steps through the metal detector and chaos ensues. Alarms start blaring, people start screaming and the computer attached to the detector explodes (I guess it wasn't UL listed and approved to handle all that metal at once).
Ten security guards immediately tackle him to the ground. With handcuffs on, sitting inside the security office, they remove his trenchcoat and sunglasses (hey, signing all those autographs can be tedious sometimes), and see the X-Buster. Not good, but here comes the deathblow: Bag search. Upon opening the carry-on, underneath his Fraggle Rock undies and copy of Cosmo (bookmarked to the "how to be a better ?" survey) out comes weapon after weapon from the false bottom; Metal Blades, Flamethrower, Scissors, bombs; you name it, they found it.
After a visit from Homeland Security, and something being said about the no fly list, he's escorted to the nearest iron bar hotel where he'll await something called an arraignment. If all that wasn't enough, he arrived just after dinner and the holding cell smelled of week old, unwashed socks and arm pits. Seeing it was after midnight on Friday/Saturday, he won't be able to see a judge until Monday. Sleep tight my blue prince, and have fun on your road trip to the castle when (if?) you get out...that is, if the wily Dr. Wily hasn't succeded in his plan by then. Should've taken the Greyhound.
This one may seem a tiny bit obvious, but here we are.
Okami is a beautifully rendered game indeed, and in this game, you play as Amaterasu the sun goddess in the form of a wolf. Animals that you take with you onto airplanes must be kept inside a cage and travel inside the cargo hold. I don't know about you, but from what I've read, mythical gods and goddesses consider themselves above everybody else and would definitely not take kindly to being cooped up, let alone not travel first class.
I can see it now: Amaterasu waltzes straight into the terminal like she belongs there. A leisurely stroll to the ticket counter to check her baggage, and to see if her frequent flyer miles aren't blacked out for this flight takes a turn for the worse. A dog wearing a trenchcoat and a rubber nose and glasses kind of stands out, though, and the suspicious security checkpoint guy got a bit to friendly with the rubber glove and got bitten and yelled at. Her cover is blown. After a few seconds, the other passengers start screaming about a feral dog (or a very wierd old lady that needs a shave) that talks, with no leash or collar (dog? Nobody calls the sun goddess a mere dog). Airport personnel swiftly call in the employees from the local shelter. Amaterasu's powers depend on people worshipping her, so with all these non-believers around she's quickly overcome. A tranq dart to the hind quarters packs quite the punch indeed, but the soothing sensation that follows makes her want to listen to the Grateful Dead for some strange reason...
Waking up three days later on a cold floor with a headache next to a large pitbull wearing a tutu named Precious, inside a small cage that smells strangely of stale dog food and stale...well, that other thing that dogs do so very well, isn't very fun at all. After what seems like hours of screaming for the person on duty, a scared-out-of-his-wits short stubby guy named Jethro finally relents and lets her make a phone call. Sadly, even long distance doesn't have the capabilities to call the hereafter yet, so Ammy can't get bail money (or a quick escape). The sign on the wall says if no owner claims their pet within a week, common procedure is to put them down. It's been 3 days already...better think of something quickly; you just overheard the wierd janitor talking about having some strange new vittles in a few days, and Precious has been eyeballing you for a while now (as if it wasn't unnerving enough to see him staring at you while you were sleeping). Good luck my furry friend; next time swallow your pride and pay some nice family to take you through the normal way, or stop by Howlz rent-a-car for dogs. (Where every first time customer gets a free dog biscuit, pre-trip belly-rubbin' and half-off coupon on your next rental of $200 or more with every rental; stop on by!)
When approaching any type of security, whether it is a court house, airport, or sporting event, one of the worst items that a person can adorn is a gas mask. The item automatically conjures an idea of ill-will in the eye of security, so there is no doubt that this person would be stopped. Unfortunately, one character that would undoubtedly face this stylistic-cosmetic-item-to-cover-up-bad-burns discrimination would be FOXHOUND member, Psycho Mantis from Metal Gear Solid.
As with my other entry, Psycho Mantis does not adorn any guns of any sort. Now sure, Pyscho Mantis does have the insane ability to control and manipulate peoples thoughts and inanimate objects; however, airport security would automatically single him out due to his mask (hell, look at all the attention Bane received in the Dark Knight Rises). Psycho Mantis would become the center of all attention, and undoubtedly demands would be thrown his way. When the request for him to remove his mask is given, he would have to refuse (due to the purpose of the mask being the prevention of peoples thoughts entering his mind) and the resulting mess would be all but certain.
Mantis would be ambushed by a ton of security, and while he can read thoughts, he would be terribly outnumbered. Once one of the security guards was able to remove his mask, the amount of people in the airport would certainly result in an onslaught of thoughts entering his mind. Im not sure about you, but hundreds of thoughts of random strangers would be enough to drive me to the succumbing to the fetal position, rocking myself telling the voices to go away. Yes, Mantis would probably be trained better than I would be for that type of situation, but I still cant imagine that itd be too pleasant, or that security would have difficulty taking him into custody.
Later on, I'm certain that questioning would be almost hysterical. The interrogators would be asking questions Mantis would already know was coming, so they could never really scare him or talk him into admitting to anything. Then again, Mantis has the ability to control people's thoughts, so he could just manipulate the interrogation to his favor and just walk out of the room without as much as an inconvenience. I'm sure Snake, Meryl and the Darpa Chief would like to see an Ocelot interrogation though. No doubt that would definitely fry a few more short circuits into the brain of someone who already dons the name Psycho.
When it comes to airport security, there are plenty of characters from the realms of Final Fantasy that would have a hard time making it through. Many could think that Vincent or Barret from 7, and Laguna or Irvine from 8, with all their firepower, might prove to be a struggle to get through. However, there is one person from Final Fantasy that would be targeted, singled out, and most likely arrested at an airport checkpoint. Ladies and gentlemen: Cid Highwind.
Now, I do understand Cid is lacking in the gun department a lot of other characters considered for this list have, but let's look at three major components that will get him stopped.
1. His spear. While there is no chance that he will be wielding firepower onto any plane, his spear is definitely a weapon, and one that is impossible to conceal at that. It is doubtful he would even make it to the security checkpoint lugging that around. Ok, sure he could check it at luggage, but what justification is he going to give for that?
2. His dynamite. Ok, so he doesn't have a gun. Who would need one when you have explosives? For those not familiar to the game, the dynamite comes from one of Cid's limit breaks, and he has a seemingly endless supply of dynamite sticks on him, so this may raise a few red flags when it comes to getting through security.
3. His smokes. Cid is notorious for his cigarettes. It every battle and cutscene he always has one in his mouth, and I can rest assured that he is chronic and goes through 3-4 packs a day. He would wait in line chain smoking with a bottle of Shera's famous tea, just waiting to get stopped by security.
Also, let's not forget, Cid is a pilot and has already successfully hijacked and stolen one airship. With this knowledge, how can we expect them to really be okay with him stepping into an area where there would be a plethora of airships/airplanes ripe for the picking?
And if all this isn't enough, it would become magnified by the scuffle that would ensue after being stopped. Cid has one of the worst mouths of any character in the series history, and his mouth could even rival that of Niko Bellic. Once security would ask him to "step this way please, sir", Cid would certainly respond with "why are you singling me out" with about 20 other very colorful words thrown in there. So if stopped wasn't enough for Cid, then maybe his police escort out of the building most certainly would be.
The famed star of the Ratchet and Clank series would make one hell of a nightmare for the poor airport staff; lets see why:
First of all, he is always carrying around his buddy/sidekick Clank which acts like a backpack, but I dont think that the little metal robot would be happy to be dropped with the other packages and be scanned with x-rays. Speaking about packages, what about the arsenal that the little Lombax carries around? Sure, the staff may close one eye for things like the Plasma whip and the Omniwrench, they can be seen as toys or working tools; but when the big bad boys show up( the RYNO, the Zodiac and many, many others) our hero would probably get arrested as a terrorist. And what about his gadgets? I mean things like the PDA or the Swingshot may look relatively normal, but then you have things like the Electrolyzer, the Infiltrator or the Hypnomatic; how are you going to explain them?
If Ratchet plays smart and leaves all his weapons and gadgets at home, maybe keeping only the plasma whip and the PDA (which comes really handy since the company delivers your ammo everywhere you want, talk about customer support!) he still wears more often than not some heavy armor set, obviously alerting the metal detector and causing massive pain to the airport staff( I mean it must take a lot of work to check a full set of vibranium armor!).
Finally, even if Ratchet leaves everything at home, he still has a major problem; he has nanomachines that heals him constantly; maybe he can try to explain that; pretty much like the people who use a pacemaker, but he would still have major problems and annoyance.
It's a bright and sunny day in the Mushroom Kingdom. Mario and Luigi were walking back from Bowser's Castle on the kingdom's outskirts after a bloody brawl with the Koopa; Peach had been successfully rescued, and left by grabbing a gust of wind from her parasol. This left the Mario Bros., battered, bloody and weary, to take a trip to the castle via Mushroom Airlines.
It was at the airport security desk that it all began to go a bit wrong. Mario and Luigi were already covered in blood-stained, charred clothing, setting off a mental alarm to the Toad guards. What really set them off, however, was the spherical lumps in Mario's pockets. The alarms went off, and the Mario Bros. were taken to a secluded room...
There, the Toad guards were courteous enough to get Dr. Toadley to examine the bros. According to him, they had some hemorrhaging on the skull, concussions resulting from block-bopping, and were oddly in some kind of drug-induced stupor. Further analysis quickly determined that the high was caused by having eaten a mixture of Mushrooms, Stars and Fire Flowers over the past few hours.
Detained as they were, the Toad guards were still worried about the various lumps. The guards finally frisked them down and found an unusual wealth of items. Of large concern were the Mushrooms (the large lumps), and it was obvious they were not the typical Super Mushrooms if you know what I mean. Also found were 2,543 Coins smuggled from Bowser's treasure vault, a random Koopa head, thirty-six Fire Flowers, and six Bob-ombs.
Items taken away, and the high finally having faded. the Mario Bros. were let go. However, as they prepared to board the plane, they heard some crap about being on the "no-fly list". A long dispute ensued while the Mushroom Kingdom Homeland Security, for once adept in their efforts, came in.
They were taken into police custody and charged with embezzlement (the Coins), theft (the Coins), murder (Bowser and the Koopa army), intention to cause bodily damage and death (the Bob-ombs), and possession of many controlled substances (the Mushrooms and Fire Flowers).
They are waiting for their arraignment to this day (actually only ten days waiting insofar), and not even their inhuman ability to tolerate 'shrooms will get them out of this mess ... or perhaps even a life sentence. Looks like Bowser wins in death, as we are supposed to suppose.
The Legend Of Zelda. Just the name sends nintendo fans into a nostalgia-fueled frenzy for the hyrulian hero. Known for saving the princess, Zelda, from a wide array of different foes almost on a yearly basis. but, what if he was up against a different enemy? what if he was up against the...Airport?
One day, Princess zelda got a letter from the president of the united states. He said he needed her to be there immidiately, for he had some buissness for them to take care of. realizing that a horse would take too long, she quickly realized she would have to face something ville, putrid, alomst gut wrenchingly evil:The airport. So, The Princess knew there was no other choise, so she sucked up her dignity and set her sights on the quickest plane to washington. But, she could not go alone, she needed a gaurdian, a protector, a hero, She needed Link.
So, as they headed for the plane, Link was uncomfortable with the whole situation. he didn't like "technology", No, he liked a good old fashioned horse. But, he would do anything for Zelda, so he did as she said. Once they got up to the counter, Zelda politely asked for the tickets. When she got the tickets, they headed off for security check. At the other counter, the man Had link searched first. He was suprised to find him holding a sword and shield. So he asked if Link could hand them over. "HIA!"Link said, wanting to protect zelda, not giving up his weapon. This made the man Upset, so he issued a whole search. One by one, Bombs, arrows, Sharp sticks, even a machine which shot a chain was in there. So, they told link he could not board the plane and must be investigated. Link struggled, not wanting to leave Zelda's side. But they were too powerful, and overtook him quickly. They locked him up and waited for the higher authority to come
So there link was, cuffed to a chair, All his dignity drained. just than, the manager of the flight company came in. "Now sir, we need to know why you carried all these weapons into the airport" the man said with a gruff tone in his voice. What he didn't know is that Link cannot speak complete sentences. "Hey, Answer me!" The mans voice escalladed a considerable amount, which scared link. "Hm,Hm-Hm-Hm!"All Link could say was random mumbo jumbo. "Your not gonna talk eh? well, i guess i'm just gonna have to keep you overnight than.."He said while laughing evilly. "HMMMM!"Link tried to say, but to know avail. He stayed there for 3 days, trying to tell them what happened. Finally they let him out, But by the time he got out, zelda had already been there and back. Turns out, she found a nice guard to help her. and Links punishment for not giving up his weapons, well, let's just say his new weapon of choise will be a broom, and his enemy:Castle town.
So, most of you know about Minecraft with it's rising popularity, making it's name commonplace in PC gaming. Most of you know about the mobs too: Skeleton, Zombie, and the most known of them all: the Creeper. Creepers roam the land you so flawlessly join, and just plainly, they don't like you. They blow up your houses, chase you and blow you up; everything with explosions they can do to you. But what if they were in real life? Say, trying to get to New York by plane travel?
"Hey steve, go work the Weapon detector!" Steve's boss always annoyed him with dumb, easy tasks; but today, when steve walked to his station, he saw a different kind of person. "SSSSS......"Steve just looked at the green thing, plainly confused by the weird monster.
"He said he has to go to New York", said an equally green thing dressed in a suit. Steve was just about to let them through when-"BEEP" He turns around and the machine is beeping. He looks at it and it says, "the person trying to pass has explosives." At this point, steve was worried, having a search squad come and search him. "SSSSS....."The Green monster kept saying as they searched him. About 10 searches later with no success, they lock him up in the jail.
"well, Mr. Creeper," said the manager of the fine plane service, "where are the explosives?" The Creeper just leans in closer. "S." The manager just looks at him. "What, your head?" "SSS!!!" The Creeper Exclaims. Then he started flashing. "What the-......" *BOOOM* The Creeper got tired of the measly chit chat, and just blew up then and there. The other thing in the suit is fine though, so he walks his merry butt out of the hole is friend created saying "Screw it! I'm takin the busssss!"
Let’s start with the obvious reason why the Hellenic Civil Aviation Authority wouldn’t be so keen on letting everyone’s favorite Spartan warrior run through Athens International Airport: Kratos carries around a large pair of blades at all times. In fact, the Blades of Chaos are seared to his flesh, so even if he wanted to, he couldn’t put them in the plastic bin to send through the X-ray machine. (The “permanently attached to his body” thing may not apply if he’s upgraded to the Blades of Athena/Exile by now, but seriously, have you ever seen him put those things down?) Also, I’m sure various airport personnel would be displeased with Kratos’ choice of carry-ons. He always seems to be schlepping around a severed head, which I imagine would get vetoed by customs officials, and the HCAA doesn’t allow any liquids or gels, which would prevent any of those gooey gorgon eyes to be brought onto a plane. (On a tangential note, we could also consider the amount of stuff Kratos carries around, particularly in relation to the amount of clothes he wears. I don’t know if Greek airport security is as… “enthusiastically thorough” as America’s, but if it is, their cavity search specialist is going to have a field day.) Lastly, Kratos has a habit of initiating a threesome with complete strangers whenever the opportunity arises, and I’m almost certain that sort of behavior isn’t tolerated in airports.
Of course, since Kratos is more stubborn than a cross-bred equine and never quite learned how to use his indoor voice, these regulation breeches will inevitably lead to an altercation, and that altercation will likely escalate quickly. At this point, you may be wondering what’s stopping this notorious ball of murder from Cuisinart-ing his way through security and onto the plane. Well, if Kratos is bothering to take civilian air transit, he has clearly let someone trick him into giving up all of his godly powers again; otherwise, he’d probably just wrangle up a pegasus or a phoenix to fly him to his destination. And if the 2011 film Thor has taught me anything, it’s that when de-powered, even gods are susceptible to tazers.
There you have it! We hope you enjoyed it.
Due to the wide array of characters that could qualify for this type of list, I'll refrain from adding any honorable mentions. This could end up being a series of lists with all the qualified applicants, so if you're out there reading this and feel we missed some good ones, feel free to write your own version. If you would like some help on an entry or two, PM me and I'll be more than happy to write one or two for you. I'll be around and open to suggestions. Join us on the top 10 board via the link at the bottom of the page to discuss this list and others, and let us know who you may have chosen and why.
A special thanks goes out to Eesgooshee, Epic-Gamer, KeyBlade999, ShadowTheMiglia, Vaeicioux and Yo_D_oY for their entries and ideas, and to you the reader! Some of the authors you know, some are first timers. Keep a lookout for these wonderful authors' past and future endeavors.
Until next time!
List by wheresatari (03/21/2013)
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