To kick things off we have one of the most controversial moments to hit video games in recent history. This moment was Mortal Kombat big in the media's eyes. The fact that you're shooting up an airport filled with nothing but civilians just made people flip their minds. The argument was that there was no reason for that to be put in there, regardless of how much story it setup for the main villain and emotions you're suppose to warrant towards him. No, players were learning how to feel no remorse at all for shooting up Russians, despite the vast majority of people I knew either not participating in the shooting or skipping the mission entirely (because yes, you don't have to fire one shot at the innocent people, nor do you even have to play it if you didn't want to).
Given that a complete psychopath with a political agenda just wants to watch the world burn, it's painfully obvious that committing acts of terror like this aren't exactly in the public's best interests. I could be wrong, but shooting up an airport isn't the best method to getting your opinions heard. I think Makarov could of got the same effect by making Twitter posts saying "Americuh is so dumbs!!! I hates dem 'Mericans! They eat too many cheeseburgers, dey so fat! lololol #MadAtAmerica #RussianGangsta #yolo" Someone would of said something about that and turned it into headline news, but nope, instead by pretending we have a language barrier, we end up with World War III. Next time someone tells you to speak only English in a Russian dominated language area, just say nyet and go purchase a Russian nesting doll set and an "I love Russian people" t-shirt. I think they'll be more appreciative of you that way.
If there was ever a reason why we have people take tests and go to classes in order to learn how to drive, this would be a strong example of why. This should also probably open the debate for people taking tests in order to show that they should or shouldn’t breed, but that may be another case altogether. In any case, getting behind the wheel of a ’69 Chevelle and showing no regard for the rules of the road prove far worse to crowds than mowing them down with gunfire. When it comes to the latter, you have to wait for the right moment to strike, while when joyriding around your city of preference, you just need to get from point A to point B as quickly as you want to, and you realize the best way to do this is to make the sidewalk your own personal highway with no regard to those that may already be using it.
The thing with extreme Sunday driving is that you can add your own factors to the mix. If putting the pedal to the metal isn’t tickling your fancy, you can add gunfire to the mix, channeling your inner gangbanger as you gun down someone’s grandmother that you happened to miss on her way to probably delivering a set of some homemade apple pies to the local orphanage; or explosives, celebrating your own personal Fourth of July that you admire in the rear view mirror. Regardless of how your method goes when driving around in your vehicular rampage, the biggest point of it all is that it’s sudden and out of nowhere, catching people off guard and by surprise with extremely little if any time to react. Seeing as how the police are completely inept to stopping your 4 wheel carnage though, maybe you’re the catalyst that brings appreciation for life to the citizens of the city to show that, at any moment, you could become roadkill because someone had a drug deal to get to. Obviously you had something far more important to do than they did if they couldn’t be bothered to get in a car themselves. Pedestrians have the right of way… pffft, not while you’re on watch!
See... this is what happens when people try to get ahead in life. If anyone in a position of power, or too ambitious for their own good, felt that what was a great product that could essentially boost their status in some way, shape, form or fashion, they screwed over as many people as possible in order to do so. Who knew the pharmaceutical career field was so cutthroat? Makes one think that if you're joining a company to figure out a cure for cancer, and they just so happen to have their own personal private military service, chances are you may not be working in the safest of environments. You may want to check your paycheck to see if you're getting hazard pay.
You may also want to question when your fellow colleague just so happens to contract one of those deadly diseases during their lunch break and your supervisor makes mention of "Hey! We just so happen to be working on a cure for that! I'm sorry that you got infected, someone must have forgot protocol of keeping a clean area, but you're in luck that we should be able to cure you in no time!" and then Doug ends up taking an "extended leave of absence" to recover. To make matters worse for you and the company, going over the heads of the FDA to just jump to human testing for things shouldn't warrant a simple "Huh... So that's what it does. We should probably figure out a way to make sure it doesn't do this again," while watching an entire city burn to the ground. Sure the locals make for great guinea pigs before and after their post mortem feeding frenzy, but I seriously doubt anyone signed a consent form at any point for this.
On a plus note, all those people sacrificed their lives for the furthering of genetic research and science! One day we may be able to make better Ritalin and Viagra pills due to their unwitting contributions to society. Sure there were some bumps in the road to get there with whole cities disappearing in the blink of an eye, but stop looking at the glass half empty. They're just trying to make this world a better place for us all. Who says the company isn't looking out for the people's best interests? Now just follow me this way sir, we'll get rid of that nasty cough you just developed.
Far be it from me to know the ins and outs of making a successful theme park to bring joy and happiness to the people of the world, but maybe one is being a bit too ambitious when starting up the world's fastest roller coaster, and failing to complete the track 45% of the way in. On paper your ideas for entertaining the citizens out there with elaborate rides and slightly overpriced cotton candy stands is a great idea, but the mentality of "If they survive, then obviously they had a good time, and if they die, then obviously they had a GREAT time!" may be a stretch of the imagination of good morals. Should it really be standard operating procedure to sign liability waivers when buying a ticket? Not quite sure if that's good business considering you're getting into the family entertainment industry.
Granted everyone is always looking for that near death thrill in a controlled environment to get the heart pumping and excitement up, but it should be within reason. Your board meeting with the roller coaster designers shouldn't be to connect the tracks of the Dueling Dragons roller coaster to see who truly would win in the duel. The illusion of the crash and twists so close to each other is a thrill enough for people, it shouldn't be a thrill for the bystanders only. All of the daily income would probably go towards lawsuit payoffs from angry relatives thinking that the teacups would be nice enough to go on, instead of ramping up the speed to tornado settings to cause severe whiplash and internal injuries and hemorrhaging. On the plus side, no one who entered the park could ever disagree with your slogan "No one leaves without a smile" given that you can easily shape the smiles on all the bodies that are wheeled out of the park at the end of the day.
Being a hero destined to save all of humanity from an encroaching evil must ask a lot from that person and have them shoulder quite a load of responsibility. The thing is, telling a child that this was his destiny and then expecting him to follow on those aspirations is pretty shallow for the world population. Didn't this happen once before with some pretty bad results in the end? Something about being persecuted, nailed to a lowercase t, and then becoming a zombie. So, does this mean that Link is suppose to the messiah of the gaming world? Feh... getting off on a tangent here. But yes, asking a child to go save the world from an ultimate evil is asking quite a lot of the boy.
To make things more mucked up for everyone though is that in search of the weapon that will help him to destroy this great evil, apparently has an age requirement before being allowed its usage. So while our young hero decides to go into a coma for a good few years while his background check is cleared by the Sacred Realm's ATF, the rest of the world is raised to the ground while evil goes on a rampage destroying whole cities, wiping out races/cultures, and messing around with milk production. Apparently evil does not wish people to do a body good. Still though, once someone wakes Link up from the world's longest nap in their spiritual waiting room, they give him the sword and tell him he's good to go to save the world now. So after realizing that he missed out on his awkward puberty years and getting a quick shave before heading back out into the world, our hero sees that he's pretty late to the party of saving the day.
Sure he may be finally taking responsibility for his destiny, even if everyone could of done without the hell they had to endure while he waited for a growth spurt to kick in..0 But let's be honest here, don't send a child out to do a job that requires him to show proper ID to get most of what he needs done. An entire world of people either enslaved or wiped out because our hero wasn't old enough to live up to the hype that was built up before his birth serves as a great example of expectations not being met in time. Next time, let's ask his big brother to possibly save the day instead of him since he should be the right age to get things done. I mean he's blood related, so he should be able to do the same things right? At least he should be able to make a dent in keeping the evil at bay for little bro to come up and finish the job without wiping out most of the world population.
Think you found a home for a great price? Ideal location with great views and wonderful neighbors that just love to throw parties that even 90s celebrities would want to drop on by to hang out at? Well I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is, you're going to be the top tier of your friends' lists. The bad news is, you're probably going to die horribly in some way for moving in to this neighborhood.
Yes it would seem that even the housing market has it out for people. One must wonder when the Grim Reaper himself decides to take up residence in your neighborhood, that shouldn't be a good sales pitch to move in. Also, one should ask one's self why are there so many swimming pools surrounded by tall walls, with that one small entrance spot that you swear wasn't there before, or houses with no windows or other rooms, and just a stove or fireplace tucked away at the corner. Ignore the other house going up in flames, Billy apparently somehow locked the door from the outside before coming in and didn't want to get five across the face for disobeying. New house for sale!
Are the housing developers also in line with the appliance salesmen as well? As if drowning , catching fire or starving to death from being stuck in houses/pools that magically lose their doors when you enter them, you also have to worry about being electrocuted from trying to turn on a TV or fix a toaster. Now granted it may not have been a great idea to put said electronic next to the sink, washer, and indoor garden hose (it seemed like a good idea) or peeing on said electronic before trying to use/fix it, but I saw no warning label that told me otherwise. And don't trust those plant salesmen either. Sold me what I thought would be a great starting plant to discover my green thumb with, but the damn thing ate my 3rd wife!
Perhaps asking Death if it would be a great idea to move into his neighborhood would be the best option here. He seems like a standup guy. Given that he's the only one that seems to be able to stick around long enough to know what's up with this place he could probably give you helpful tips to ensuring that the next time you see him, it'll be because your time is up and not because an act of God came crashing from the heavens to smash you into the ground. Seriously is this place built on an ancient indian burial ground, or is some trying to play the world's most lethal prank on people? Just don't get attached to your neighbors, chances are Death isn't visiting them just to see their new HD TV.
Once again, science has damned us all into oblivion. This time around, rather than looking into medical progress and applications, we turn to the food industry for our mass extinction causes. Now while vegan purists can argue till they're blue in the face that our food is nothing more than poison that rots us from the inside out, at least in this case when the energy drink that you imbibe turns you into a Japanese Kaiju movie representative, they may have a better report to send into the judges for a recall of the product. Granted, turning into a giant monster sounds cool, but the drink must be murder on your arteries.
But maybe we can look on the bright side of this obvious lack of the need of a warning label, and apply our new more ravenous Clifford the Big Red Dog as a contingency weapon. Much like the Cold War of days past where we threaten to unleash this monster's fury upon their lands if they don't comply to our whims. Perhaps that could of been a good idea, had the beta test creature not escape out into the world and proceed to turn every country and continent into its own personal all-you-can eat buffet.
Given that the world can't seemingly stop these gigantic beasts, I think the only course of action here is to just run and hide. Also if you happen to live in those towns where the population is about 20, you may be fine. It's the cities and highly populated areas that are in trouble. That or be a part of the cloth... the Big Man upstairs isn't any too pleased to see these affronts to... himself... turning the nuns and alter boys into snacky cakes. If you happen to be the last of the last survivors in the world, maybe that girl that would never even give you the time of day would start seeing you as future husband material. Nicely done turning a negative into a positive!
We've all been there at some point in our day to day life that we just look to the heavens and sigh because we can never our wish fulfilled of riches beyond belief, the powers of Superman, or coming home to Kat Dennings while she wears a nice lacey two piece from Frederick's of Hollywood with a plate of CoCo's Chicken Cutlet Curry Level 3 spice and a glass of sweet tea.... or is that last one just my wish? Whatever your inner most desire is, we all have one and would love to see it obtain. Whether that wish is absurd or practical, the question is, what would you do to earn the right to make just one wish?
While classic fables and stories always warn of being careful for what you wish for, no one warns society at large for those that are willing to act on their desire to obtain their wish. The inherent problem isn't the person trying to get the wish, but the wish granter... they're generally a gigantic asshole! They don't care who the wish maker hurts along the way, you're there for their entertainment. They tell you to dance, you start doing the Dougie. They tell you to jump, you get on a trampoline to begin a makeshift Cirque de Soliel act. They tell you to murder entire countries, you get in an ice cream truck and start dishing out sweet treats of death.
But hey... it's all for your benefit right? What's one or two or 100,000 dead bodies at your feet right? Joseph Stalin said it best, "One death is a tragedy, but one million is a statistic." and you're all about making next year's census report a little bit lighter. In the end though, you get what you want. You've earned your right to make a wish that will come true. How do you use it?
Benevolence or greed... do you take pity on the world and the now genocide you caused, or do you say "Screw that..." and wish for the world's most comfortable pair of underwear? My suggestion would be to at least make it something that the remaining survivors would at least nod their heads in agreement that it was all worth it in the end, kind of. You know... after they get over the shock that humanity is now on the endangered species list. As the old saying goes though... be careful for what you wish for. It could come back to bite you in the ass... literally if you're not careful! Perhaps some things just aren't meant to leave the realm of imagination. I guess Kat will never know I exist... le sigh. I'll put away my death machine converted from a Dodge Challenger.
I just want to know one thing... just what are the qualifications to becoming a god? I mean what makes one ultimately able to take on such a position? One would have to believe that having the power to bring all life into creation or wipe out anything with nothing more than a wink and a nudge should have some extensive background checks and psychological evaluations ran on them just to make sure they even qualify for the right to grow a grey beard of glory. I think the job of God comes with great responsibility since people are willing to etch your words into stone tablets (a pretty inefficient way of writing down Deadpool comics if you ask me).
Whatever the entrant process for becoming a deity is, the checks and balance system in place may need some upgrades and revising if all one has to do is move around a bunch of elaborate rocks to absorb the power that be to ascend to the heavens into a leadership role. This is around about the equivalent of running Windows 93 today and thinking that upgrades are nonsensical since "it seems fine to me". You're just asking for trouble to visit you... except in the case of religion, you end up with a giant douche that has a hankerin' for some unabashed, full scale, globe shatterin' destruction just for flips and giggles. Once again... if there is a process to becoming the new King of Kings, the process should be better ruled over.
At least the fail safe of the people rising up in a ragtag group of misfits with quirky personalities and skill sets keeps those wishing to attain godhood for a long period of time, comes in handy. Foresight needs to come in handy though, rather than waiting for the human extinction project to come into play. It's always a reactionary stance that we take, rather than a proactive stance in dealing with psychotic gods. At least one thing's for certain... if science can't figure out what made some nihilistic bastard with a clown fetish into our new lord and un-savior, then we know they can provide us with the tools to destroy it. In the end though, Bill Nye's gonna have his hands full trying to debate how science killed God actually, instead of in theory.
The sins of the father pass on to the son... and the rest of humanity at large. You tell me, when was the last time an entire group of people had to pay the price for someone going on an all night binger? Then again, is that the reason why we've seen angry people mad at entire cultures and civilizations throughout our history? Regardless, I doubt any of them held a position of power that oversaw everything in creation.
So once again we're left to ask, what kind of qualifications does it take one to have in order to be a God? I think alcoholism is considered a disqualifier as well. But never fear, you have a tiny son and a planet full of unknowing sacrificial beings to help fix your cosmic blunder of wiping out all the stars in the sky. You may be a lousy bum of a dad by making your son do the work you should do, but maybe he can be trusted while you recover from your hangover. Then again... his thought of making stars is by sacrificing all life and objects on a little mudball in a corner of the galaxy, rather than call the local heaven realm insurance company to see if the stars were insured or not.
There's just no getting around this one folks. If you notice Orion lose his belt, or the Big Dipper gain a big hole in the cup, then chances are a drunk deity is farting around and about to cause the apocalypse in the form of his tiny son and a magic sticky ball probably made of cosmic duct tape. No one can escape his ball of quirky musical charm. Once he sends you and your community into the sky to be turned into a star, maybe you can find solace in the fact that he's helping dear ol' dad out and may finally get into his good graces. Either that, or he's going to grow up extremely jaded and I feel sorry for any other surviving civilizations out there in the universe that must suffer his wrath when his father dies of kidney failure at some point in his metalife. Who said being the king is good? All it does is cause one to wipe out an entire planet's species and develop alcohol dependency.
So we can see that there's a lot more out there that we should worry about than video games. Will people actually educate themselves to learn that they aren't dangerous violence spewing propaganda out to get the youth of our nations? I seriously doubt it. If anything I'm going to go educate myself in a few foreign languages and extreme survival training, because whatever is out there that will try to destroy us is going to be nuts. I'll see you guys on the other side though if I don't make it! We'll party with that godchild's lush of a father since he should know all the great spots in the afterlife. Maybe he can hook me up with a sexy Aussie chick.... man I miss Aussie ladies. Sees yas all later!
List by Sanctuary Remix (03/12/2014)
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