"In a word, deplorable."

Game Review: Lethal Weapon

I wanted to say "abysmal," but I know I say that so much that it almost does not have meaning anymore. But I could have and I would not have felt bad about it. Because this fits the word "abysmal" in every way possible. What the word deplorable means in the most literal terms is either regrettable or flat out awful. This game is both.

I would like to get something out of the way first though, although it is most likely irrelevant. But then again, chances are, if you are worried about relevance, you would have stopped after the first paragraph, because to be able to be relevant to this game is painful. If Mel Gibson knew anything about video games, he would surely have killed himself long ago, due to this vile monstrosity. I really have nothing against Mel Gibson. I would even go so far to say that he is a good actor. I liked The Patriot. I even liked Signs, until it got religious anyway. And I do not blame the man for his little anti-semetic outburst...that happens. People get drunk and say stuff, no biggie. I will admit that I have never seen Braveheart. I am told that this is a problem I should fix. That entire Passion Of The Christ thing was a little weird though. I just wanted to let you people know that I do not have anything against the man personally. Because if you keep on reading this, it is going to seem like I do.

I thought about making a more structured review for this, but I decided that all that needs to be said about this game can be recalled from the first time one plays it. So I will give you a detailed description of the first time I was given the gifted opportunity to play this sucker, I got it for free. Maybe a year ago in 2005. Considering I was born after the movie Lethal Weapon was even made, I can't say I was expecting too much. But I am an avid collector of sub-par Gameboy platformers, so I was at least expecting something moderately fun. The front of the cartridge depicts something close to the original movie poster; Mel Gibson stands on the left at a profile while Danny Glover is on the right with a similar profile. An annoying dwarf seems to be peeking through their massive shoulders. All I could think at this point is, gee, I can't wait to play as Danny Glover.

I flip the power on. And get the usual startup sound and Gameboy logo, and also a screen with the games logo and various other information such as a high score (which is mysteriously 000000 even after being pre-owned twice), Copyright information, and the typical "Licensed By Nintendo." Then I get two screens worth of logos from companies I have never heard of, Ocean and Eurocom. Upon further online investigation, I learn that Ocean actually disbanded in 1998, six years after this game was made. The company made games for about fifteen years, mostly titles for the Commodore 64 based off of other bad action movies. Some of their more interesting sounding titles include Rambo: First Blood Part II, Madballs, Daley Thompsons Super-Test, The New Zealand Story, Jelly Boy, Alien Olympics 2044 AD, and the infamous Mr. Do!, a title which I have only heard of but not had the pleasure to play. Seriously, just look at a list of the games these guys made. It's a bit painful, but it's worth seeing the names that are equally as funny but I unfortunately cannot waste time with here.

After the two company logos flash, I am directed back to the first screen with the game logo and the various information. I feel like I got deja-vu or something, but I comply with the new directions on the screen below the logo to "Press Start" and begin the game. Bleeps and bloops accompany a poorly drawn map. I gather that I am in the place labeled "Mall." I press start. I am now Mel Gibson, god forbid, in his long haired 16-bit glory. I am on tiled floor with a big black abyss above me. I assume it is a door. It is not. I try to walk through it, but nothing happens. The prospect of Mel Gibson's sprite moving in this game is rather strange...I cannot tell if Mel Gibson is wearing skin toned pants or is simply flaunting his untanned loins to the player, with his arms raised at all times.

I experiment with the buttons a bit. The A button jumps. I find that if I move all the way to the bottom of the screen, hold up, and press A, it seems like Mel Gibson launches himself twenty feet into the air, when he really is just sidestepping to the top of the environment. Funny. The B button attacks with a kick or a gun, and the select button changes weapons, of which I have two: my feet and a gun. I walk forward and come in contact with two thugs, one on a stairway and one already shooting me. Thankfully, this game is so flawed that you need to be exactly level with another character to attack them, so I sidestep the bullet quickly and struggle to shoot the hooligans in a massive jumble of flesh and confusion while I am trying to reconfigure my position to allow an attack. They both eventually fall. At this point, I am wondering why I am not playing Danny Glover.

So I do what I do a lot of times when I play platformers, I walk to the left and see if I can go backwards in the environment. I casually walk offscreen. This confuses me, but I find that if you walk off the screen to the left, you can switch characters. I am now Danny Glover, who clearly has pants on unless everything waste down on his body is caucasian. I smile in triumph and press onwards. The music is really getting on my nerves.

I casually walk past a crate and pick it up by accident. I decide to throw it at the opposition, another thug who shot me recently. I whiff and the crate explodes on the ground, leaving me open to a kick in the face from the enemy. I miss shooting him a few times, and out of frustration I switch to what I believe to be the kick by pressing Select and instead get the gratification of punching this man in the face until he dies. I go forward and come in contact with two more enemies who jump down from an above platform. Before vanquishing the foes, I get three grenades thrown directly at my face, all of which make contact. I go forward, beat another enemy, and see a door with a small opening in it ahead. I try to go into the entryway, only to find that I cannot. More enemies. I turn the volume all the way down and find that I can do a jumping kick, a horrible little maneuver. I decide that Danny Glover simply does not deserve this, so I get out good old Mel and his awesome haircut again. One of the enemies drops a small letter E, which I pick up. Nothing happens.

I walk forward again and fight two more thugs. Mel gets shot a few times. The thought of Mel Gibson getting shot makes me laugh, for whatever reason. I press onwards and defeat two more enemies and get nailed with two more grenades. But theres a surprise... One of the enemies drops a grenade which I then pick up and procede to lob by accident due to the games switching to the newfound weapon automatically. The other enemy dodges the explosive seamlessly. I find another crate, which I try to pick up. Nothing happens. I switch back to Danny Glover and find that he alone has the ability to pick up boxes, just like real life. Walking forward I see another fake door and two more enemies in manholes. I chuck the box and miss, and procede to get rained on by more grenades. I pick up a grenade by accident while I am on left screen, but I accidentally walk off the screen switching back to Mel, who doesn't have the grenade. Switching again I find that Danny doesn't either. I pick up another one and throw it at one of the enemies, because at this point I have made the assumption that their own weapons will be their downfall. The grenade lands on the ground silently. I turn the game off.

That was my experience with the game. I hope anything more doesn't need to be said. Please, e-mail me if you are curious about anything else. But if you will get one thing from this review, make it that even platform fans will despise this game to the utmost, and fans of the already mediocre movie will hate this as well for soiling the franchise and the careers of two respectable men.

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 12/04/06