Review by Mega
"I bought this off a friend for 15 bucks. I want my money back."
Alright. This was my FIRST Final Fantasy game. Yep, never played a Final Fantasy game in my life, except for this one. Sure, it was a LITTLE fun the first time around. Just a little. After I beat the game, I use it as a coaster for my Pepsi now. Sometimes I think Is this game even coaster worthy? and I usually come up with ''NO!''. Not a good game. Terrible game. Melt it. Melting plastic stuff with fire is fun... heheh... then, repeatedly smash the game into little tiny parts. Laugh madly. Huh? You wan't the review? Ah well, ruin my fun why don't ya?
No. *SIGH* Alright... I didn't get the instruction book when I bought it, so this is the story I put together. The furture is a wreck. Monsters are all over the place, and the world has gone to hell in a hand basket. Borgin sends 3 kids to the past to save the world. He uses Talon, a space ship, and zaps them to the past. In the past, the Pureland Water Entity (WTF?) is flooding the world with monsters. The world isn't hell yet, but it's close. The parts of Talon, the space ship, are sealed away in a temple. Of course, Talon is your ticket to help saving the world. But, nothing is ever easy. The Talon ship parts are scattered across the world, and you need to go find them. Sorry if that didn't make any sense, but thats about as much sense as it made to me.
Ugh. Your 4 kids. You level up, save the world. Well... *SIGH* The traditional RPG elements are here, I guess. You got equipable items (The Equip Items Menu still confuses the hell outta me), magic spells, and different classes of characters. The human class is good with weapons such as knives and swords. Mutants, on the other hand, are great magic users. Robots use little capsules to up their stats, making them great with any weapons. Monsters cannot use equipment items, instead, they use magic and their talents (Which really shouldn't be called talents. Most of the talents involve kicking, screaming, or other stupid things they think are talents). Cyborgs's stats change with what you equip them with, so you might end up having a powerful weapon equipped to your Borg only to have the weapon bring your HP down to a measly 100. Beasts use the physical attacks, like PUNCH and KICK. What is with all these classes, you say? Well, there is a way to ''morph'' your character into something else in the game. When you beat bad guys, some leave their robot parts or meat. If you install or eat the parts or meat, you change classes. I am still not sure how that works, so don't ask. Now, the menus are confusing as hell. They are tiresome to sort through. I still don't understand half of the menus. Now, lets move on to the dialogue. Good grief. It sounds like the dialogue was written in one day. The dialogue is stiff and choppy, and doesn't have that real ''RPG'' feel. It is laughable artificial dialogue. ''You must go to the north tower to find FLOAT.'' someone tells you. Who are you? Why should I? See? The dialogue moves either insanely slow or insanely fast, no middle. Oh god, the dialogue at the end... *shudder*. It moves slow. No, it moves slloooowww. Like one letter at a time slow. Terrible. Now, the bosses and enemies... their are about 10-15 enemy models, tops. You'll encounter an enemy that looks like a clown, and the name of the enemy will be HUSTLER. You'll encounter the same enemy, and the name will be different. They recycle the bad guys to a point of craziness. The bosses are INSANELY HARD. I mean like ''ripping out all of your hair and overdosing on aspirin and throwing up till your eyes fall out'' hard. It took me 4 days to beat the first major boss... ugh... this game has no redeeming gameplay value.
BAH! These are graphics? As I said, they recycle enemy models and character models even! Methinks they were too cheap to add more then 15 enemy models. The characters are grainy, and too small to see at times. The color scheme is bland, even for a GB game. The towns aren't good looking. And I still don't know what that thing that flies across the screen is!
Sound? Oh yeah, that thing! Was that the thing that was repetitive, annoying, and terrible? Weren't the sound effects too stupid to listen too? Huh? They were? Yeah, that's right!
Nope. Not at all. Play ''Light the plastic thingy on fire'' with this game.
BUY OR RENT
Buy. Light on fire. Break into tiny parts. Glue back together. Shot with shotgun. Laugh madly. Glue parts back together again. Melt into a ninja star. Throw at the school bully.
What? The review is over? But I want to rant more! I want to rant!
*Mega gets carried off by the Gamefaqs Security Guards*
Reviewer's Rating: 0.5 - Unplayable
Originally Posted: 08/06/01, Updated 08/06/01
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