"Join the crusaders on the dullest side-scroller on the planet"

The Toxic Crusaders. It was the poor man's Captain Planet, which was also the poor man's X-Men. The fact is, Toxic never really took off. It was a television show for a while, trying to ride the wave of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but wound up getting stuck in the sand. With stupid characters like Nozone and Headbanger, the show was horribly weak and never amounted to anything. This didn't stop developers from making games out of it. The Gameboy rendition of Toxic Crusaders is so dull and boring that no adjectives can come to mind to express the redundancy of it's design, but I will try to convey my emotions about it as best as I can.

The game is a basic side-scrolling action game that goes way too skimpy on the action. Nozone sneezes to attack and Headbanger... throws bones if I'm not mistaken. The main character (who I cannot remember for the life of me) carries a mop and hits people. This is only the beginning, however. The action is slightly better than Cliffhanger, but lacks any sort of organization or structure. You can't tell if you hit the guy or just got hit, as the sound is exactly the same. You have a health meter which you can replenish by finding Toxic Symbols. Yeah, pretty average. Unfortunately, these symbols are harder to find than honest politicians. You quickly run out of health, and you only have a certain amount of Crusaders at your disposal before you really bite the bullet.

Your main adversary is Dr. Killemov, a stinky mad scientist who wants to pollute the Earth. (Yet another ''save the planet from pollution'' scheme for youngsters.) Killemov seems to have some dimwitted lackeys, as after every few levels they will say ''Lets not tell him that the password is ----.'' This is so lame it didn't make me laugh when I was ten years old. The game is LAME, people. I'm not even trashing it to what it deserves. Very few games deserve the true lameness award, but this one does.

I don't even need to go into graphics and sound, because I assure you that once you hear or see this game you will hate it. Don't waste your time.

Toxic Crusaders has earned Phange's Lameness Award. From this review on, games deserving of the title shall be bestowed with this. If you or anyone you know owns a game deserving of the Lameness Award, proceed to the nearest garbage disposal and destroy the game.

In the end, this game is one of the most worthless attempts to cash in on a ''popular'' subject I have ever seen. Have a nice day, and don't forget... DO NOT buy this game

Reviewer's Score: 2/10, Originally Posted: 07/25/01, Updated 07/25/01