Review by IAX

"We’ve got hot women for your enjoyment! You just have to squint really hard amongst the text to see them!"

We’ve got hot women for your enjoyment! You just have to squint really hard amongst the text to see them!

No, no. I’m not looking at women on the street again. Though, that is probably one of my favorite hobbies behind sports, playing and reviewing video games, and getting wasted by drinking Sprite. (Hasn’t happened since I was 12 though.). And this is one of those games that I felt I just had to review Timesplitters 2 because it struck me as the first First Person Shooter on the Gamecube to truthfully impress me. And it even features fairly good control considering that piece of crap C-Stick is used a lot in it! That impressed me even more. This game is developed by Free Radical, and it is published by Eidos, the company responsible for the Hitman series, the Thief series on the PC (now Xbox), and the big-boobed Lara Croft in the Tomb Raider series. Those boobs made her famous. You can’t deny it. Anyway, Timesplitters 2 is an amazing game, considering what I expected from it because it had “EIDOS” on the cover.

Now you can skip this part if you feel like it because it involves my personal history with the damn game. One day, our good mild mannered and fairly sexy (Women reading my review, take notes!) friend IAX went to his local Blockbuster looking for a new title to play. IAX saw games like Mario Sunshine, Pikmin, and Animal Crossing, which he had already rented or owned. He saw a game in the lower right hand corner called Timesplitters 2. IAX also noticed that Eidos published the game. Knowing that Eidos was also responsible for the very large and powerful Lara Croft, he questioned the fun and excellence that this game had. After thinking about it a bit, he paid the 5 dollars to rent it for a week and took it home. Little did IAX know, his life would change forever after that little excursion to Blockbuster. And that is how this all began….

Every game has to have some sort of legend or egotistical, maniacal story behind it. A plot that makes a game fun to play and that draws you in, making you feel like you are actually in the game, when you really are the puppeteer that controls what they do. And of course, Timesplitters 2 is no damn exception to this cardinal item in games. The legend goes that the Timesplitters, an evil, maniacal race, after taking over several races have now decided to destroy humanity. The plan to do this by going back in time to points in history with the Time Crystals, items that control the space time continuum. Sergeant Cortez and Corporal Hart are on a mission to stop them. They arrive at a space station where the time crystals are, but the Timesplitters are able to get away with them in history. Sergeant Cortez goes after them and heads into history to retrieve the time crystals. Overall, it is a fairly good story that sets up the mood for a crappy story mode. But that’s not why Timesplitters 2 is uber-godly game. It’s the other features of the game that make it count. Sometimes that goes for the women out there too. They have a mediocre appearance, but deep down inside of them they have a kick-ass personality. I just used that as a crappy metaphor, but hey, I liked it.

Graphically, Timesplitters 2 is rather good. It doesn’t have that great impressive Oh my god!, I’m going to wet my little panties look. Rather, it has all of the aspects of graphics all coming together in the equivalent of a decent looking woman with an extremely good personality that can appeal to you easily, rather that the hot-looking extremely moody chick that has become mainstream today for some reason. The overall design of Timesplitters 2 is fairly good. The characters all look unique and have all of the noticeable features and extremely varied looking clothing including thongs, cowboy hats, and aprons. Their bodies look realistic, making the major gender differences rather prevalent. Overall, the characters look good. The weaponry looks fairly realistic but not looking like the actual thing where I can reach my hand out and grab it by the ass. Free Radical was able to make flamethrowers shoot realistic flames and rocket launchers shoot surreal looking rockets that look “radical” themselves. The shotgun shells even fly out when you shoot the shotgun! How creepy! Level Design in Timesplitters 2 is impeccable. Environments in the game make you feel like you are actually there. That’s how realistic this game is! Why in the hell am I so excited over the crappiest features? Oh well, the Aztec environment for example takes all the features of the jungle: the killer bees, the angry natives, and the stone ruins. You make them all look really nice, and BAM! Emeril, kiss my ass! You have a good-looking environment. The graphics in the game are all good overall and they make Timesplitters 2, an extremely enjoyable, pants wetting, sexy as hell, looking game.

Oh boy! What an extreme pleasure to my ears! I can’t believe I haven’t heard these wonderful sounds before! What? I’m talking about the sound of my neighbor having sex with her….uh…lets just say it was not a guy. It looked good too, but that was just an intro to where I talk about the sound. The sound effects in Timesplitters 2 are good and sound like they are extremely real as well. The sounds of the gun firing off the main sound effects you will be hearing this entire game. This can be ***** to your ears as well, but shouldn’t stop you in having fun. The flamethrower sounds like it is actually throwing fire! The rocket launcher sounds like it is actually launching rockets! Don’t tell me we’re starting this again? Oh, well. Timesplitters 2 has kick-ass sound effects that can be a nuisance at times.

Musically, Timesplitters 2 roxorz my boxorz. What a crappy and lame intro….I got to work on how I do this. If you’re interested in helping me with my crappy intros, see my contributor page for more info. Back to my mediocre review. The music in Timesplitters 2 makes you want to dance. There are several themes in this game that are all extremely catchy and make you want to dance the Charleston, the Tengo, or even the YCMA, unless you hate the Village People. I do. Take the Nightclub Multiplayer level theme for instance. It’s extremely, extremely, did I mention extremely (Lame. I know) catchy and fits the theme of the level. This happens to all of music in the game.

Gameplay. The son of a gun that can effect how you play a game and how enjoyable the game you are playing is. Timesplitters 2 is no exception to this rule. It plays amazingly. There are many modes and many ways to enjoy Timesplitters 2. Much like a women. There is your normal basic story mode in a first person shooter that has you complete certain adjectives in the level where you go on to the next level and do the same thing. This is the most boring mode in the game but it is still fairly fun. There is a co-op mode of this available in two player to increase your enjoyment. There is an Arcade mode in which you can do either “Arcade Custom” or “Arcade League.” Arcade Leagure is one-player only and you must complete all of levels in a league before moving on to a harder league. There are three leagues. Arcade Custom is the mode which will be the most played. Guaranteed. If you play another mode more, you officially have the right to hate this review. You’re probably loving it is you’re reading this far into it. I thank you if you did. In Arcade Custom, there are so many things you can do. So many things that you can’t either. You have the ability to customize it to your wildest desires. You can make it a one-shot kill game or a game where the people are tanks. And there over 100 characters to choose from. Oh my god! There is also a Challenge mode in which you must complete a challenge in order to unlock more challenges. You can unlock features in all of the modes except Arcade Custom.

The game plays fairly well. All you really do, is go around shooting the crap out of everything while trying to keep your ass alive. Isn’t it simple honey? Go for the headshots, though, honey. They kill them faster. Other than that, there is no logic to playing Timesplitters 2. Kill everything in sight, except your teammates and people that cannot be killed. You see? A game that does not take logic. We need more of these!

The control in the game is fairly good considering the extremely satanic and evil C-Stick is used in it. I really need to get an exorcist for this. It’s driving me bonkers. Literally. Timesplitters 2 uses a two-stick system in which one-stick is used to see and look around, while another stick is used to move. This system is good, but I preferred the one stick system that the Nintendo 64 FPS’s had. But this is all right. Everything else on the controller is laid out fairly well, and is easy to comprehend. Aye. I need to wind this thing down. It’s starting to get to me.

The replay value is amazing. Play everything. Enjoy. Do it again. I’m playing it right now with my mind and enjoying my time while I type this review. That’s how much I enjoy this game.

Overall, Timesplitters 2 is a great game, which is not with out its minor faults. Everything is really enjoyable about it, and I have no major complaints, but it just does not seem perfect. Every woman these days is like this game. And I apologize to the women who feel that way….

Overall- 9/10- Enjoy the splendor that is Timesplitters 2. Don’t abuse it though…You’ll really regret it if you abuse it…


Reviewer's Score: 9/10 | Originally Posted: 06/14/03, Updated 07/26/03


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