The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
Review by Joke Reviewer
"Meh. The adventures of Link did not impress this time around."
Graphics: The visuals for this game are a mixed bag. Though I did appreciate the view distance, lighting, and water textures in this game, pretty much everything else wasn't that good. Character models are often very gross, and malformed. Why? I don't know. Facial animations and character model textures are lacking quite a lot, when compared to the fantastic environments, and artistically this game is just bad. Everything is bland, and plain, and its pretty much every other role playing game in terms of style. I found the game very boring to look at. Once you get past the impressive lighting and particles, this game just doesn't look good. Everyone says its one of the best looking Game Cube titles, and I disagree. Cut scenes leave much to be desired, as do facial animations and character models. Mile long chins and disfigured faces don't really appeal anymore, Nintendo. Wrap up: Pretty impressive lighting, particles and environments span for a pretty nice distance. Character models are just appalling on some parts of the game, textures and art style are very bland everywhere, and seem to be there just for the sake of having something to make Link walk on. No where near the impressive level of Wind waker. 6/10
Sound: Can I be honest? I didn't like the sound in this game; Any of it. The soundtrack would be nice if it weren't the same exact thing as Ocarina was. Same tunes and melody's, period. As everyone else stated, the lack of Orchestrated music is a problem too. The only cool sounding music is in the opening, the rest is recycled. As far as vocals go, the only sounds you'll really hear are from Midna, which make my skin crawl. The incoherent jabbering of that thing really drove me mad, it was pointless, and annoying. Kind of like a splinter you can't take out. The games conversations are in text. I imagine they made it like that because its their "Thing", but I think its getting old. There isn't much in the sound department to like, since battles are simply Link yelling, and the twang of sword and metal. Thats pretty much it. As far as the howling segments go, I was disappointed. The new songs and tunes they could have given us are just very lame sounding notes from what sound like a boy with his voice broken. Wrap up: Lack of original music disappoints, lack of howling segments sounding good disappoints, annoying jabbering for what could have been voice overs, all the battles sound bland. As the graphics were artistically lacking, so was the sound. 4/10
Story: I still have no idea what I played, to be honest. You're Link, and you need to destroy the Twilight realm to save Hyrule and gasp, the princess. Your sidekick is Midna, who's the princess of something, and she helps you along. I won't spoil it, but I didn't like it. Its pretty much "Link, collect three items and I'll tell you another chunk of the story. If you collect these, we can use them as a pointless step to the next part of the story, which involves more collecting!" And I hate that. The story is pretty dry, and confusing, since very little is told to Link until the end. And without an interesting story in the first place, this "Dry start" really bored me. And since the graphics and sound are just so dang bland, and dry, it felt like just walking to point A to B to just hear the rest of the blasted thing. There was nothing involving you, nothing that drew you in, its full of quite a penny of plot holes. Unlike Ocarina, Wind waker, or even Majora's mask, nothing in this game's story is "Cool.", period. I don't want to be a Wolf just so Nintendo can conform and appeal to the legions of young role players who are fascinated with being a hero Wolf every time, to be honest. Lets do something original, please Nintendo? Wind waker was good, sorta. Wrap up: Boring, dry plot which leaves too many questions. A lot of recycling, and not enough originality. Story progression involves collecting items, and moving forward, thats pretty much it. Wolf sections made me laugh, because the second I heard you could be a wolf, those thousands of animal role playing people came to mind. What a bargaining chip, Nintendo. If I ever bother to draw up a Legend of Zelda time line, this will be skipped. 4/10
Game play: Lets start off with the exploration, and sword fighting. Its boring. You get to counter, block, parry, and you get a lot of nifty secret moves to use on some of the easiest enemies the gaming world has seen! Wait, what? Thats right, the combat is very boring and pointless. You get some of the coolest moves in sword fighting games, and yet you can't use them. One "Draw" attack will kill anything, the spinning attack with slaughter everything, and so forth. The enemies are just way too easy. You hit each one three or four times and they just die, and thats using basic attacks. The lack of a difficulty setting also made me sad, since the game must be on "Child mode." somewhere in the coding. Bats? How do we fight them? Pull out your bow, hold down a button and press another. Now you have bat stew! Oh my goodness there's an enemy with... armor! Roll, and slash his back. Armor stew ! The games combat is boring, and ineffective at drawing me in. You get tons of fancy moves, and you can't use them because enemies die if you blink at them. By the end of the game, if you loose more then ten hearts to enemies, never pick up another video game. As far as puzzles, they are more times frustrating then fun. Block pushing, chess like puzzle, block pushing, hidden hook shot mark, block pushing, light this on fire, block pushing! Its a tedious, horrible cycle for all the dungeons. And they themselves are as hard as bench pressing a bag of feathers. In each dungeon, see, you pretty much get a new item. How do you advance through the dungeons puzzles? Use the item. There's no twists, no originality, once you get the item, all those confusing parts will be solved, and then you go to the boss fight. The bosses themselves are pretty interesting, equipped with their own cheesy names, and each one is a mixed bag. To beat them, you pretty much have to find a weak spot. Is the weak spot to far to reach? Use the hook shot you just got! The boss is a up a ledge I can't reach! Use the spinner to get there. As with the dungeons, the bosses revolve around that new item you just got. Which also adds to the notion there is "Child mode" somewhere. The bosses are a breeze, to be honest.
To alter a pretty famous quote, "Ah! The items, they are many but they do nothing!" The result from having the experience of Ocarina, Wind waker, and Majora's mask behind them? Give lots, and lots of items. Bow, hook shot, boomerang, bombs (Three kinds), bottles, lanterns and potions and slingshots and spinning.. things, scopes and shields and swords and clothes. Bah! Thats just the start. I don't want my inventory to have a mini mall in them, Nintendo. And if you give us all these items, at least give them purpose. Make more bow oriented puzzles, please. Since we have the bow the whole game and hardly use it.
Wolf mode. In my opinion, the worst part of the entire game. These times often include.. you guessed it, finding items! Crack open your super sense (Turning everything to green mist and making the view distance shorter then arms length.) and track down cool bugs to give to a guy/girl. You do this a million times, and each time it isn't fun! As far as combat goes for the wolf, press A. Thats it folks, just mash that little green button. You have no combos, you have no special attacks, counters or magic. Just lunge and bite! Puzzles involve pulling levers, swimming, and opening doors--as a wolf. Why you are a wolf? I really don't know, and I really don't care why they made it a wolf. Boring, drab, and just an excuse to be a wolf, I guess. I suppose Epona wasn't good enough. Speaking of Epona, the horse combat is very dull. It involves galloping to the side of an enemy, and hitting B. Thanks to the new and improved "Child mode", enemies die in like three hits. So do the mounted boss fights, which include a huge variety of one guy that appears across the game. Adventuring around the /massive/ Hyrule is cool, if you had something to do or somewhere to go. You can find hearts, and bugs, and thats really it. Hyrule is huge, and pointlessly boring with nothing to do. And you probably heard night time is back. Well, it is! And your little buddies who live in the ground do come out for revenge from Ocarina. The problem this time? They are very lame. They're goats, no skeleton guys anymore. No need to run from them, just walk away, as they walk about as fast as a rock rolling up hill. Wrap up: Boring. The game is too easy, and can be beaten in two afternoons if you really must. Puzzles are very drab, and involve around that new item you got, with zero differentiation between that cycle. Hyrule is boring to explore, and if you insist in fighting, its boring. Wolf mode almost made me either fall asleep or kill something in frustration. Dungeons and bosses are boring, and there are just /too/ many items with no purpose. 5/10
Replay: None. You have zero reason to play again, other then to collect more life that you'll never loose, or collect bugs to get a bigger wallet you never have to spend. Or maybe you can play with those new items you got. You have /a lot/ to use, and nothing to use them on. The whole game is just pointlessly easy, and there's no reason to play it again.
Final: Rent it. Don't spend the full price tag on this game, it just isn't worth it. If you want to spend that much get the Game cube port of Ocarina, that is a million times more fun then this. Or even Wind waker. In my opinion, this is the worst modern Zelda game to date. Thanks for reading, and good luck with your games!
Reviewer's Score: 5/10 | Originally Posted: 03/20/07
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