"Oh dear it's not very good."

Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, perfunctory gift which nobody ever asked for. LHX Attack Chopper on the Megadrive (or Genesis if you prefer) is much like that metaphorical selection of confectionery. It was cheap, and it certainly wasn't asked for.

I received this game as a gift from my well meaning but misguided mother way back in 1993. I still bare the emotional scars to this day. If in years to come I'm ever faced with the decision of whether or not to have Mumsy dearest committed to an old folk's home I'll remember LHX and that decision will become so much easier.

But why do I harbour such hatred of this abomination of a game? Where to begin? I suppose the very fact that it's a flight sim prejudices me against it from the start. Flight sims with their enormously complicated control schemes should be confined to PCs. You can't simulate all the buttons in a helicopter's cockpit on a console's joy pad, especially when that joy pad is digital only and has a mere three buttons.

Every single possible combination of buttons is used in LHX, mastering the control scheme requires you to have the dexterity of a concert pianist and the memory of an elephant. Having the patience of a saint would also be handy.

If you're of a masochistic persuasion you may like to try the option of using two pads simultaneously to control the game. One pad operates the flight controls, the other the weapons. You could get a friend to assist you with this option. Be warned though that after you subject them to a session of LHX they likely wont be your friend anymore.

Perhaps realising that this overly complicated control interface would be too difficult to use at high speeds the developers deliberately decided to have the game run at a snail's pace. It's so slow that you can make out individual frames of animation. It's More likely though this sluggishness is down to the fact that the poor old megadrive isn't able to cope with polygons.

Polygons? you ask. Yes, surprisingly for such an old game LHX is fully in 3D and features changeable camera angles. Don't get too excited though. The graphics are appalling, every object in the game looks like it's made of cardboard and is totally devoid of detail. The colour palette for the dessert levels consists of yellow for the ground, blue for the sky, grey for things you're supposed to shoot and a mucky greenish colour for things you're not supposed to shoot. Later on you get to the jungle levels. Here the ground is green instead of yellow. If I was being kind I would describe the graphics as minimalist.

There are about a dozen camera angles on offer, of which only two are actually useful. The rest make it impossible to see what you're doing. I particularly like the one which shows your chopper taking off, then remains fixed on the helipad while you fly off. Useful that.

An equally minimalist approach was applied to the game's sound. With the exception of one rather sombre tune on the title screen there's no music at all. Sound effects consist of a few bleeping sounds and a co-pilot who sounds like he has some sort of speech impediment.

Put the game on it's hardest difficulty level and prepare for one of the toughest challenges you're ever likely to encounter in a game. Actually completing your objective is easy enough. Take off, fly to point indicated on map, fire a few missiles at target, fly back home. All straightforward enough. The challenge begins when you try to land. If you attempt to land even an inch off the centre of the helipad the copter will spontaneously explode. Quite why is a mystery to me. On the easiest difficulty setting you can land literally miles off the helipad and still complete the mission. Can't be bothered going back to base? Just set down your extremely expensive helicopter on top of that camel (or rather yellow blob that I think is meant to be a camel).

Redeeming features? Well I did get some enjoyment out of the way the game tells you how much repairs to your helicopter will cost the American taxpayers.

Overall 3/10

Why not? I'm in a good mood.

Reviewer's Score: 3/10, Originally Posted: 06/04/03, Updated 06/04/03