"Nauseatingly unambitious."

I'm sure all of us have come across games you can't really hold much tangible against but are at the same time completely undeserving of any kind of praise. The kind that are intentionally so middle of the road that they prove considerably more annoying than honest attempts at excellence gone wrong. Talespin, a chillingly lukewarm platformer/action game by Disney, is, first of all, totally unsuitable for its pre-teen target audience due to its frustrating and unforgiving design. It is also one of the most uninspired games I have ever played across - a startingly offensive example of half-hearted licence exploitation that's not nearly bad enough to end up in a land fill in New Mexico but that is bound to leave a bitter aftertaste in any fan's mouth.

It's really not that easy to defend such harsh words as there isn't anything immediately apparent to point out. The graphics are fine (though not really on par with the actual cartoon), especially when the characters are standing still. Perhaps the non-existent idle animation - rather uncommon for a Disney title - is the first clue that many corners have been cut underneath the surface of this game, and when things get moving, the situation hardly improves. Despite the relatively responsive controls, the characters' movements are floaty but also very rigid at the same time - quite a feat in its own right, but hardly a desirable one. Finally, the backgrounds and the environments themselves are most perfunctory; there are just enough "things" for the screen not to appear too empty but the scenery is bland and not once used in an original or creative way. The music is utterly forgettable and the sound effects aren't even worth a mention.

At a glance, the gameplay also seems decent enough, but it shouldn't take long for any player to stumble upon any of its many problems. I'm not even referring to the game's depressing mundanity but to specific features that make Talespin a real chore to play. There is a difference in level design between open-ended stages with lots to explore and directionless meandering, and Talespin definitely finds itself on the wrong end of this particular cline. To make things worse, the scrolling of the screen is completely unsuited to the predominantly vertical nature of the game's platforming stages with the characters' default position at the bottom of the screen. Since there is no way to look down, leaps of faith become the most common type of jump you'll be doing - with many resulting in cheap hits and with instant death not too uncommon. Even when faced squarely with the enemies, however, the fact that both characters' weapons are cumbersome and don't connect well at close range does not make progressing through levels any more fun. Furthermore, enemy respawn is insane and, to quote Metal Gear Solid's Revolver Ocelot, "There are no continues, my friend," which means that only the most persistent (and/or masochistic) players will ever reach the - equally frustrating - flying stages.

There are NES Disney titles, namely Duck Tales and Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers, that play better and also look better than Talespin - and I can't really figure out why. Talespin was no budget game for an ageing platform; it was released in 1992 when the Mega Drive was peaking as a system and boasting some truly impressive games. In addition, Disney had long enjoyed a reputation for quality gaming - a reputation that games like this one undoubtedly began to erode. But then again, few non-gaming parents could ever find fault with Talespin: the game looks right, sounds rights and seemingly plays right, too. Yet I wouldn't be at all surprised if the kids soon decided that the sturdy Mega Drive box is actually more fun to play with. If you're looking for a children's game, you should pass this one up; there are many quality titles available for the system, even by Disney, most notably Aladdin and the Lion King. And if you are a seasoned gamer looking for a forgotten 16-bit platforming gem, just stay away.

Reviewer's Score: 3/10, Originally Posted: 10/25/06