Review by Shirow
"A Gift from The Marvellous World of Crap"
From The Marvellous World of Crap comes King of the Monsters 2 as a gift for this New Year 2002. Sure, judging where the game from, I already expected to put a crap game in my Neo-Geo but it was worse. Way worse. Because King of the Monsters 2 is not only crap. It is the crappiest, ugliest, most deceitful and most horrendous game the world has ever crafted. I really cannot even recall this gaming experience right now because I may vomit but I cannot let you do the same mistake and get KM2.
From The Tutorial of How to Generate Crap comes King of the Monsters 2. Except that it goes even further. I reckon that its primary utility is to make you cherish garbage. It started innocently enough though. Something of a cross-over between King Kong and Final Fight. Choose a monster and battle your way through towns until you meet someone uglier than you. Upon seeing him, you are jealous of him trying to dethrone you and thus challenge him to a fight where rules are not required.
Sounds fun, eh ? Only sounds though. Because one has to be a fool to associate KM2 with Fun. Yes, the game can be fun if you're in the mood to laugh upon playing the worst game ever. Yes, the game can be fun if you have the rare skill of infinite patience and can endure ugly design, ear-screeching audio and total absence of controls. But if you want to forget about stress and relax with a good game, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE ?!
Speaking of graphics, KM2 meant it to be crap-fix. Yep, the developers had no idea what they were doing and in the end, they just whipped out crap and didn't care to fix it. What you'll see (if you're bold enough to press START) consists merely of 3 colors that have been mixed by a 3-year old kid who, in addition to having too much time on his hand, is also blind. Moreover, that fOO! Didn't even have his ''masterpiece'' checked before sending it to the International Exposition of Utter Crap !
The characters are just represented by a big blob and as they move about, their face, arms, legs and body will undergo a transformation that will make you vomit all the food you ate during 2001. Your bowels will contract and as you do whatever you can to contain yourself, you'll fart. Because KM2's backgrounds are devoid of details and are, in fact, nothing.
And this is very surprising because the backgrounds are supposed to play a quite important role in the game. As a matter of fact, the sky looks like ****, the ground looks like some more **** and the game itself is thus ****. But what were you expecting ? After all, this is how The Marvellous World of Crap intends to conquer us. I suggest we surrender right now. Please, I can't fight back. Not like that, they're darn too powerful…
Your monsters will grunt, squeal, grunt, squeal, grunt, squeal, grunt…You get the idea. But did I mention that the squeal = the grunt = nothing ? I need not use proper words to describe the music because if you're looking for music, come again. Oh yes, there is some music. If you consider taking some tin cans and jumping over those to be music. If you consider taking a rake and hitting it against a pine table music. And, sadly, that's all !
Wow, what an interesting beginning to the review, right ? But wait, you're missing the best, I mean, worst part : the controls ! Oh yeah, baby, let's give KM2 the award for Total Absence of Control. In fact, it'll very easily win because the controls in Primal Rage are extremely enjoyable compared to KM2. Either that or we, the poor victims who never did anything wrong, are very slow.
You'll hit at the damn button with all your might, summon your inner strength and go into Devil Trigger, and have a horse kick at it and that won't change anything ! Even the mighty Superman will lose against KM2's controls. They were left on a star and were never to be seen again. Why insist ? Turn the console off and shake back your fright by drinking some beers. Or go band your head against a wall, even that will be great compared to KM2.
CJayC says that, in a review, it is necessary to talk about the gameplay. But how is that possible to if KM2 doesn't even possess it. Okay, I'll try :
King of the Monsters 2 - The Gameplay
Game developer : ''Orochi K, can you enlighten us at to the gameplay of King of the Monsters 2 ?''
Orochi K : ''**** ******* *** **** **** **** * ***** *** **** !!!!!!!!!!''
''Orochi K, the reviewer, killed a game developer following a critique of a certain game. Unluckily, we cannot mention the game due to a virus which will instantly kill anybody who is stupid enough to do so.''
And that is then end of the story, my friends ! If you were able to read up to this point, you are a very courageous person. But, for once, put your courage aside because even that won't be enough to save you from KM2, The Gift from The Marvellous World of Crap. God save Orochi K.
Reviewer's Score: 1/10 | Originally Posted: 01/02/02, Updated 11/09/02
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