Review by Comfortably Numb
"WOW! YOU LOSE!"
Bokosuka Wars. A myth? Or fact? Brought to the attention of GameFAQs by Pat Uhler, Bokosuka Wars was hailed by him THE WORST GAME EVER MADE. Of course, I had no idea what Bokosuka Wars was, even if it was real. But then one day recently, I found it. Thank god it was emulated (just do a web search, please don't ask me), and I didn't have to pay money for it, as for I would regret it, even if I got my money back. Besides, there's a guaranteed chance that you'll never find it on cartridge-Either because it's rare or it was banned by Nintendo. Moreso, it shouldn't be played. At all. I liked Hydlide. I loved Shaq Fu. But my God, is this awful.
Visually, I've never seen worse (except the entire Andromeda series with Kevin Sorbo). The background is black. Pure black. You walk on black, not a speck of ground in sight. There are several other colors in this game, too. There are the green trees, the brown rocks, the red bricks, and the enemies which contain purple and blue sometimes. Not exactly a brilliant color selection, but it gets worse! There is no innovative use of the color at all-what I described above is IT. The same green trees, the same brown rocks, and the same damn red bricks. There are two shades of brown-light and dark. That's it. Oh, but when you see it, it's worse. Words cannot describe. This could NOT have been an NES game. Your character is a white faced knight wearing blue armor. At least that's what I think. Well, he makes Jim from Hydlide in the eyes of Terra Branford look like Ryo Hazuki. Horrifying. Simply horrifying. The enemies are knights designed exactly like your character with a slight color change. Now they're purple! Or yellow, perhaps? Other enemies include walking purple octopuses and blue squids. At least I think that's what they are. Maybe they're supposed to be a form of land dwelling animal. Geh, I don't what they are.
Rating: 1 Indescribable Horror
I must say, I must say--Thank you, thank you, I know, my Ed Grimley impression is awful. Thank you--The music in this game is pretty good. In fact, it's great! I wouldn't mind having a Bokosuka Wars soundtrack, myself (If anything about this game). The music is medieval knight tune, which fits the traveling, medieval theme of the game. The quality is kind of ''eh...'' but the tune is catchy! I can see Pat Uhler doing two things at this moment: Falling over with laughter, or dying of shock. The sound is crap, though. There's one sound, which IS a sound crackle (ch) that you can hear while battling, or it just comes out of nowhere for no reason. Crap sound effects bring the rating down.
Rating: 6 Decent
Yes, it's awful. Your main goal, I believe, is to travel 599 steps left to reach something. It's almost impossible, unfortunately. Why? Well, at first the amount of enemies is fine, but not even at 550, enemies swarm all over you like they're women and you're Brad Pitt. Eventually it gets really absurd, so absurd it's impossible to imagine. Of course, fighting these enemies is worse. When you walk into an enemy, you and the enemy are replaced with a flashing sword icon and the B button. You must press the B button with both of the icons to destroy the enemy. It appears they went for something original, but failed miserably. I'm trying to figure out why there are two icons, since it's impossible to figure out what you're supposed to do at first. Sword icon enemy? B button you? What the hell? I came upon the unconfirmed battle possibility after many tries. Because of those many tries, I need a good long shower of Chrono Trigger. Still, this only works half of the time, and the swarms of enemies and the last 100 steps are in a straight forward-can't-turn castle area really doesn't help.
Of course, after losing a battle, you are treated to your character being chased off by a giant blue...eh...thing, with WOW! YOU LOSE! in huge red letters. I really need that Chrono Trigger.
A and B control your other characters you rescue along the way, I believe. However, rescuing them is a pure impossibility so far, and if it is possible, I don't want to spend another minute with the engine. The multi-character thing doesn't matter with this crap.
You can move up, down, left, and right around the big black screen, but only left scrolls when you walk near it. Good thing, too, because right, down, and up are unresponsive. Where's that Chrono Trigger?!?!?!
Rating: 1 Indescribable Horror
Is it possible to take this crap? A battle system with a 50/50 chance of working, unresponsive moving, and giant red letters that say WOW! YOU LOSE!? I have five minutes, and if I don't find Chrono Trigger within that time, I may go into a severe coma.
*accidently hits remote control, TV turns on with Andromeda with Kevin Sorbo*
Badly casted alien with a lack of makeup: COME ON!!! FIGHT, OKEEYY???
*alien dances around and a dummy is shown tumbling off of a spaceship*
*tries to turn off TV*
Cheez: NO!!!!!!!!! I MUST BE SAVED!!!! TWO MINUTES!!!! ONE MINUTE!!!!
*giant theater screens with Star Wars Episode 1 appear*
To be continued.....
Final Rating: 2 Awful
Reviewer's Rating: 1.0 - Terrible
Originally Posted: 02/21/01, Updated 05/02/02
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