"The Dr. is out..."

Well, as usual, it's that time of year again. The time of when monsters and demons swiftly terrorize the fair citizens in the dead of night. The time when children dress up in horrifying costumes and gracefully accept food from strangers who they have never seen before, and of course, it's that time where I delve into the horror video game genera just for your reading pleasure.

Ooo, I'm so scared!

Unlike last year where I touched based on old Atari Porno games, this year I'm actually going to play so-called “scary games” from that little grey box known as the Nintendo Entertainment System.

However, unlike your traditional, blase reviews that many have written before, I'm actually going the extra mile and putting you, my only friend, into the hot seat with me and experience everything what I am going through during the game, whether it be fright, happiness, or good old fashion, well unadulterated anger. That's right, the very first live review on Gamefaqs, and I invented it.

Now, if you really want to get the most out of these reviews, then I suggest that you lower or turn out the lights, grab yourself something to snack on and prepare yourself for the most terrifying reading experience you'll ever know, and because it wouldn't be a live review without interaction, I promise that I will also be playing these games in the inky pitch dark with the glow of my emulator on my desktop. Ya, I'm a cheap ass motherf****r, aint I?

Anyway, to kick off this Halloween season, I'm starting with a 1987 game called Dr. Chaos. So far in my life, I've only really heard of the game, but I've never played it, so this is a mystic journey for the both of us. Looking at a picture of the back of the box, I'm some emotionless drone named Michael, destined to save my video game brother named Dr. Chaos from a series of monsters after a lab experiment when horribly wrong. Pretty generic and highly uninteresting for a NES game, but lets face it, that's what you get from a cheap, third-party developer.

Booting up the game, It takes me to the main title screen (duh) where it showcases a completely monochromatic, teal house, occasionally broken by yellow lights that beam from the window as some person walks by, you know, that traditional old horror movie trick that everyone has seen in countless movies from the 1930s and 40s. Just from this, I know immediately that this game will no way be a graphical slender to the senses. Actually one little cool detail here is that the title actually drips blood. So, by that logic, I guessing that Dr Chaos will be nice gory game immediately after I press the start button, right?…Oh look, a relatively un-frighting skull appeared in the inside of the “O” in Chaos. Clever.

OK, it looks like I have a chose to start a New Game or Continue. Gee, I wonder which one I will pick…

The game starts out as a side scrolling, platforming style of game play, and apparently, this hallway I'm standing in has a huge gaping space leading outside because there is no door, which is kind of strange. Not only that, but the walls have this ugly polka-dot, grey wallpaper and the floor is laid with brown brick. Seriously, who the hell designed this place? God you know, if my house looked like that, even I would consider hiding it in the middle of no ware. In the first area alone, the rooms are just littered with rats and bats. God, how generic could this game be? The game should have just been called "Boo, hau…", well you know. Not that you really need to kill these guys since they just immediately re-spawn milliseconds after you destroyed them with your knife. Apparently, you can also pick up many other types of weapons along the way like grenades, a pistol and…what looks like a Klobb from Goldeneye, and if that's the case, they why the hell would I ever want to use that piece of junk?

So, right from the beginning, I really don't have any clue about what I actually have to do, and isn't that just great. I just love it when games have the decency to NOT give any clues AT ALL. You can enter doors by walking up to them and the pressing up button. Inside each room, it turns into this 3D perspective angle, and once again, the rooms are the same monochromatic color, mustard yellow (Yech). This time however, you're given a few more onscreen instructions. On the side of the screen you is a box giving you specific actions of what you want to do, kind of like Who Framed Roger Rabbit but weirder. Get this, if you want to pick another option, you have to press the B button and them press down, which is just annoying. Besides, as far as I'm concerned, they only real point to theses rooms is to collect ammo for your gun, potions for health and…

OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

Holy ****, it's some kind of blueish, Bigfoot monster that just appeared right at the doorway! Jesus, that actually kind of scared me. Really, I honestly wasn't expecting that at all, and now I actually have to fight this horrible beast. Frantically, I try to select my gun, but it keeps chasing and attacking me with deadly power, so let's try to stab it, but unfortunately, it's too late; it killed me. So let's try this again…what's this? I only get one life? ONE LIFE?! Your kidding me right? That is just sadistic. You mean to tell me that I have to play this entire game with just one life? Ok, fine, I can live with that; it only makes the game a lot harder this way, especially when all these damn rats and bats in the hallway keep stealing my hit points away from me, that and the weapons are junk, but lets suck it up and play.

Well I would play, but there is just one little problem. Guess what? I still have absolutely no idea what I'm doing in this game or where I have to go. My guess is that I'm suppose to get up to the second level doors, but most of them have walls blocking them. I'm honestly out of ideas here, and I'm actually starting to get rather annoyed, both by the horrible 3D perspective inside these rooms and the lackluster, mind numbing music, so screw it, I'm just going to accept defeat and check a guide. Give me a second while I find out what I'm going wrong here.

(A FEW MINUTES LATER)

OK so, apparently, to whole point of this game, either than your primary goal of saving your brother is to collect something called the “Ultra-space Sencer” and travel into hidden WARP ZONES to get laser gun parts to the defeat the last boss named Canbarian, or at least that's what I think I have to do. OK, that doesn't seem to hard, but really, was it to hard to just tell us that right at the beginning? Way to confuse the gamer, you goddamn programmers.

Anyway, lets head off to the first Warp Zone. So, I find the door leading to the zone, but unfortunately, because of these stale graphics, I'm finding it really hard to concentrate on which wall holds the secret passage openings. The real only possible way to figure out the direction the wall I'm facing is from this handy compose on the bottom on the screen.

Anyway, I found the zone and the game takes me to another platforming type of game now. Actually, it part kind of reminds me of Mega Man since I'm allowed to use a gun and a boss awaits at the end of the level, hell even the music sounds like Mega Man… if it dropped acid or something. That being said, this is where the game really starts to take it up the ass. In this part, I'm suppose to stay up the top of the level and jump from cliff to cliff without dropping to the ground. Unfortunately, these jumping controls aren't the best I've ever seen. Your character is sluggish and stiff, the enemies will force your character to jump backwards if you hit them, and enemies just immediately re-spawn as quickly as you kill them, making this a test of ultimate will. Still, I press on, fighting my way past blob like monsters, more bats, and even those red flying Cheep-Cheep fish straight from Super Mario Bros (Rip-off). After all of that, I'm at the end of this part of the level, the next screen being the Big Bad Bossman.

Oh gee, I just wonder what the boss could be? It's probably something extremely scary, demonic and emits a ton of blood when I chop its head off. Besides, this is a horror based game. It's not like they would put something generic in its plac...an ALLIGATOR? What the hell? I was expecting something to scare the living daylights out of me, not an ALLIGATOR. So far, walking through the house has been the scariest part of the game and, as I found out, that isn't even the main part of the game. Some scary horror game this is. Hell, even the monster at the doorway shock horror looses its appeal after a while, eventually becoming increasingly annoying after every encounter. God this is a lame ass game.

Anyway, this alligator looks pretty threatening so let's waist it. I'll try shooting it...which doesn't seem to work at all for some reason, so I'll try a grenade...what the HELL? Grenades don't work either? Even if I throw a truckload of these damn things, it will not die. I guess the last resort is my sword...and for some reason, it's the only weapon that works, but why? The other items are stronger in comparison, so how come they don't work? After its been slain, which really wasn't that hard at all, a gigantic acorn drops to the ground (I don't know, I'm making this stuff up) and it gives me a laser part. This is only one of 9 pieces apparently, so the game is just like a Zelda with its whole collecting important objects nonsense, and really, just the thought of going through 8 other warp zones to retrieve the same generic parts over and over is just boring, especial since I'm guessing all the bosses in the rest of the game are the same generic, simplistic garbage.

Besides, this game is just way too confusing without a guide. Aside from the unexplained direction and goal in Dr Chaos, there are just too many subtle details that I just don't have patience for. Also, the fact that you have to deal with all these annoying enemies and endure both the horrific music and ugly artwork at the same time is just a horrible, nauseating feeling that no one should experience.

I really don't recommend Dr. Chaos as your choice for a Halloween game. Really, just ignore it at all costs.

Reviewer's Score: 3/10, Originally Posted: 10/26/10, Updated 05/30/12

Game Release: Dr. Chaos (US, November 1988)