Review by Rick L
"Rule #1: Do not make an anti-drug game when you are on them yourself."
Back in the day, every soccer mom and government official told kids that when faced with drugs, just say ''NO!''. They did everything from put up multiple posters, create multiple ads, dress up in chicken costumes, and perform daredevil stunts in flaming cars. OK, so maybe the last two I lied about, but the point is that you couldn't go anywhere without seeing some ''Just say NO!'' reference.
Thus, during a coffee break with a group of programmers, Wally Bear was born. Unfortunately, somewhere along the line the programmers' coffee got drugged, 'cause this is one odd game in itself, not a good thing.
Now, instead of doing my usual ''Graphics/Sound/Gameplay'' breakup, I'm going to just do the whole game in a whole, sans the replay value.
We start off with a title screen of a deformed bear riding a skateboard, having sunglasses, and all that what-not. Apparently, it looks like he's a wannabe cool guy, 'cause he's just so stereotypical. You can choose between one-player and two-player games, but most likely you're not going to find someone who's willing to join you in a bout of receiving brain damage, so let's just go with one-player.
We open to a scene where Wally is at his house with his mother and father. Either they're broke as hell or they're just moving, because there's no furniture whatsoever. His father looks very...scary with no pants on. The wallpaper is covered with so many apples that it'll make your head spin and probably go into failure if you look at it for any more than a second. You're then treated to Wally's parents telling him that his uncle, Gary Grizzly (Ha! Alliteration!) is going to throw a party for him and all his anti-drug friends at his place. They tell him to go right there. Of course, it wouldn't be an anti-drug game without anti-drug advice!
''And remember to say ''No''! Stay smart, don't start!''
Perhaps they're warning me in advance to turn off my NES. Oh well, I just force Wally to say that he'll remember, and off he goes out of the house, all happy and stuff.
Now we cut to outside!
The graphics are much better out here than in that apple-infested place called Wally's house. However, there's danger lying in all this beauty. The first would be the music, which sounds like it's currently time to play house in Pre-School. The second is the bulldogs and birds. Yup, those are what we have to avoid. The dogs aren't that hard to avoid, but the birds are not. You see, the birds in this game are actually homing missiles in disguise, because they home in on you and nail you no matter what in God's name you try to attempt, unless you duck. You basically scroll through the same scenery over and over until you're about to fall asleep. Suddenly, you make it to the train station! What a relief, we're going to get to go inside and relax!
Cut to the platform!
Now we run into a rabbit who tells us that Ricky Rat (Apparently they think I'm some kind of dirty rat. And hey, look! More alliteration!) was trying to get the very, very moronic Toby Turtle (Alliteration again!) to join his gang and take pills so he too can spiral into the wonderful world of idiocy and drug addiction. Wally decides that he's going to go find Toby and give him a piece of his mind.
Now you basically go through train car after train car repeatedly until you get to the end. Our resident drug-dealing rat shows up here to pelt you with snowballs and move around like a wacko, all because his poor little mind is rotting because of drugs. When and if you get to the end of the train, you'll come across Toby. You'll give him all hell about how it's not good to take pills to be cool, and then you'll go back outside again. You get to deal with the same lunacy of homing missile birds and idiot bulldogs as you make your way to another train station. If you get there, Priscilla Poodle (HA! More alliteration!) says that the blasted Rat stole her radio. Now it's up to Wally to go get the thing from the blasted, high, no-good dirty rat. So we do the same thing as we did in the second level, and get the radio back for her. Now we go along to the city. There's some new scenery, and more blithering idiots, albeit new to the outside world, such as the train-dwelling Ricky Rat. And the very ''cool'' thing is, they all have bombs now! So now poor wally has to avoid getting his head blown off by pill-popping rats and anything else that throws projectiles.
Cut to the garage!
You'll find someone say that Larry Lizard (There's the alliteration again!) downed a whole bunch of liqour and now you have to stop him from getting in a car and have a wonderful sidewalk drive or something.
And that's about as far as I got, for no sooner did I arrive in the parking garage, then an angry, drunk lizard throw a bomb at me. I guess I should've stayed smart, and not started, because that's what I get for playing an anti-drug game.
Replay Value: El Non-Existent.
Yes, and the non-existent part is now 2% more Spanish. Once you've played this game a few times, you'll want to quietly set it under your bed and wait about twenty years. then you can make your kids play this when they've done something wrong so that they'll both listen to you, and not do drugs so they won't have Wally giving them lectures as well.
The graphics are a nice touch, but it doesn't save the game from complete destruction when it comes to the rest of the game. This game should definitely be avoided at all costs, unless of course, you're doing drugs. Then you'll probably want to quit after all the stupidity you've just seen.
Rick Rating: Stay smart! Don't start!
Reviewer's Rating: 1.5 - Bad
Originally Posted: 12/07/03
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